Do No Harm -- brags (examples) sought
 

Does anybody want to crow here about something they've done lately that shows restraint of pen or tongue? Care for the interests of others over their own ego, interest or whimsy?

I increasingly have a problem in sobriety just going slow, acting & speaking with care. I have a wonderful expanse of sober time in front of me, so why do I rush into actions too fast? :dunno:

I've been a bit angry lately. Acquiring resentments left & right. Showing my fangs where they weren't wanted http://www.apriliaforum.net/forums/i...lies/fangs.gif
Time to stop just admiring the concept of restraint of pen & tongue from afar, and practice it. Your examples eagerly looked for! :)

Follow me around here for a bit Courage lol...

:react < inner :cool: <outer

If I'm not sure of something, I'll type it out and walk away - if it seems ok when I come back I hit send. If not, back to the editing board :)


D

Dee's example is a fantastic one. I use it a lot work, especially when writing email or documents that will be shared with groups of people. I use it here too, especially if I'm writing about something I feel strongly about.

I think I exercised some restraint of tongue tonight with my husband. I tried to bring myself down a few notches during our argument. I nipped it in the bud :) I really wanted to blow a gasket though.

I pretty much have no filter. I wouldn't deliberately say something to hurt someone but that's more out compassion than restraint. I have noticed Snarkbunny that my perception has changed so I find myself less angry these days. Plus the Celexa helps.

I talk(and listen) for a living, and I've been told at times I should be an entertainer instead of a salesman.. but sometimes I say too much or say things I regret in the name of humor. If nobody gets hurt though, I've learned to just say "Next" to myself and move on without beating myself up like I used to.

I will cross the line in the name of humor myself. Just make sure you have a smile on your face and you can get away with it.

I sometimes am honest with undue brutality. I'm feeling bad because even though I told my son that I wanted to be at his wedding, I also told them that I only wanted it because he wants it, because honestly, emotionally I don't give a crap about anything ceremonial or any illusion of commitment to more than the moment. He knows that but I didn't have to say it. He wants to think I'm a regular human, why couldn't I let him?

The rest of recent stuff doesn't bother me as much as that.

Courage, I can relate a little. My husband didn't care at all about getting wedding and engagement rings. Nor did he care about a wedding. He's pretty much like you in that anything ceremonial just wasn't important to him. We eloped to make things simple, but I really wanted the rings. They were very important to me. So, we got the rings. And for a while my feelings were hurt because he didn't care at all about them.

Somehow I've just gotten over it all :) We have crazy new problems new to supplant those, lol.

Maybe your son will, in time, be ok with how you feel :)

I think the real problem is why you feel that way. You can explain it to your son if you can understand it first. ceremonial or any illusion of commitment ...that's an odd way to describe your son's marriage.

Since it's a ceremony I don't see why "ceremonial" is odd. And since we pretty much all know how easily what one thinks is a "forever" commitment disappears in sight of a bottle or a line or an opportunity to deceive.... I commit to "now" very very often, but I don't trust myself when I commit to "then."

That said. Without restraint. Because I'm verbish :)

Can we get some more brags?

This one time I was going to tell this poster on SR she reminded me of the nihilists who lost her toe in "The Big Lebowski ". Instead I just hit the thanks button. (see what I did there? I crossed the line for humor.)

:biggrin:

Fast & right on the spot. Thank you ma'am!

I've written at least six posts over the past seven days and then deleted them because I felt they were too caustic and were written more to prove I'm right rather than with the intention of being helpful.

I'm still working on not having the thoughts and emotions that compel me to write such posts, but that's going to take some time.

Ya know, for some reason I hate to admit this, but I'm gonna...

I recently got Serius XM in my car. Joel Olsteen has a channel. I listen to him for a half hour now every morning on the way to work.

Why do I hate to admit this? Well, I don't believe exactly what he believes, and I think his message is simplistic and repetitive, BUT, I have to admit it gets to me. It works. It fills me with positive, upbeat thoughts and energy and kinda brainwashes me (I need the washing). I now walk into work every day with a smile on my face, striving to be the absolute best person I can be. And things roll off of me a lot more easily than they used you. I find myself being more focused, loving, and accepting.

I need good stuff in the morning. I never understood how or why people listen to the news in the morning, or read the paper. I'm beginning to find these positive early morning messages essential. I used to listen to a lot of Maryanne Williamson, and that also used to do the trick. Need to start figuring out how to get her into my car.

There. It's out in the open now :).

I find it really hard to shut up as well. My massive ego always tries to convince me that my opinion is invaluable - even when others really don't need to hear it, and really it's just a way of airing my own resentments; fears; or anxieties.

Anyway - recently I heard someone else say he'd been told by his sponsor to do something to get past just that problem, so I've been trying it, and it's been quite helpful to me (not 100% success rate - but I'm getting there).

He said "I was told, before you open that big mouth of yours to give an opinion or repeat what you've been told, just ask yourself three questions. One. Does this need to be said? Two. Does it need to be said by me? Three. Does it need to be said by me, right now? If the answer to any of these questions is 'No', then keep quiet."

It's really tough, but I never seem to regret not saying things in the same way I do if I let my wobbly-gob run away with me.

I'm almost the opposite. I think carefully before I say or write anything that's the least bit controversial. In some ways, that's a bad thing because I end up with a million seething resentments.

I rarely feel anger though. Oh...except towards my sister in law...I have fleeting visions of bopping her over the head next time she opens her selfish money-grabbing insensitive loud mouth :a043:

Oops... 😇

Quite often i'll write a post with "you" and "could" , then i go through and change it to "i" and "did" and that way i drag out of myself some experience which might be useful for someone .

If someones post upsets me then it's quite a novelty and can hopefully lead to some reflection as to why .

Sr is a place of great positivity , of people trying and doing great works for themselves .

The only think that irks me are the potential fake people/profiles as there are good people here trying to do something good and it annoys me that their time might get wasted on some kind of vicarious fantasist .

m

I read a post from another member this a.m. on "guarding against disguised hostility" and fairness. How do they relate?

Quick judgments are those that haven't had the time to balance all sides of a story. If I were someone who "goes along to get along" that would mean a tendency to be too readily agreeable -- but I'm not that way, I'm thoroughly disagreeable :) Really, I've been tested :)

Jumping in too fast with a judgment is like pulling a weapon before the other guy can reach for his. It establishes an atmosphere of hostilility and confrontation instead of mutual respect & support. It looks like a rational statement but it acts like an attack (disguised hostility).

Man oh man I have a lot to learn from you all.

Hi pal.

I have been thinking a lot about the same lately. My husband is a reactor. He always has to be right, argumentative, controversial, louder, more verbose, challenging. I'm the opposite. Now. Wasn't always that way. He used to call me "Rocky" because it was as if every time a bell rang, my dukes went up. Lol. We always attributed it to my being Irish, drunk, and feisty.

Truth was, I was miserable and constantly seeking attention to soothe my precious wounded ego. Which was ALWAYS wounded. I was always victimized. It was as if I walked through the world thinking everyone sucked and no one cared and it was every man for herself and just f you and the horse you rode in on. Funny, EXACTLY like my mom. Exactly. To the t.

Learned behavior for me, for sure.

He likes to verbally spar. Me, not so much anymore. I'd just as soon be left alone to seek and search existentialistic shenanigans. I could care less about being right. And even more less about you thinking I'm right. It holds no appeal at the present. Like Pacino said in Scent of a Woman, "I'm too old, too tired, too ******* blind." :).

And most definitely, too sober.

For me, I have found my energy is better spent working on myself and why I needed to be so all of that. Did it give my life more meaning ? Make me less fallible and therefore less human ? More human ? Who knows. Who even cares. :)

One of the books I read that truly was a game changer for me was Breaking Free From the Victim Trap.

Bells going "ding" now , no longer make me wanna fight.

Now they remind me of Clarence in Its a Wonderful Life....

Riffing on what Beccybean said, I've been working on the concept of "strategic thinking". Being right, and demonstrating it, isn't always strategic towards the end goal. Most of the time, for me, keeping my big mouth shut and my ears open is very strategic. It certainly isn't easy. Not being drunk helps!

Hi courage.

I am also someone who likes to say what I think, and while I don't think I suck at diplomacy, I'm willing to compromise only so much in communicating my thoughts. (Feelings is a bit different issue for me...) There is both personal and communal value in being direct and straight talking vs holding back our opinions (which can provide useful information to others if expressed/perceived in the right way) or behaving like a chameleon who just reflects the environment.

My view is that it's often more about the way it's being presented, the style, rather than the actual content of what we want to express. Constructive criticism is a form of art imo, and none of us are always good at it... some people are more natural than others, but we can always learn. For example, I find parts of my job where I need to review others' work very good opportunities to exercise this. I am sure you know what I mean.

I think what Dee and Scott said above are key methods to achieve what I was alluding to about finding good ways of expression without having to compromise the message too much. Oh, and sustained sobriety :) I definitely had lots of problems with saying things on a whim in early sobriety, and while I was typically aware of this or became aware quickly after it happened, it simply just took time and repeated experiences to shred this feature more. The good thing is that now we at least have some conscience and healthier self-criticism to address it :)

Oh, you were looking for examples... Here is one, perhaps interesting from more than one points of view. There is a guy I need to work with closely these days, a very smart guy who's excellent regarding his field of expertise, very well-informed, etc. I really appreciate these things because the area we work on is definitely new to me technology-wise, and also theoretically to some extent. I want to learn from him and am more than willing. But... to put it simply: he is also a jerk in some ways. Wants to show off all the time, provokes people unnecessarily in real tricky ways where there is clearly no more purpose for him except to direct the perceived attention and positive outcome to himself... And of course with this goal in mind, he tends to be after the more vulnerable, less confident colleagues (some of whom are just as excellent in their fields as himself, or even better because they also have good social skills). He likes to play the role of the "teacher" and instruct everyone about what they do wrong. And yes he is a good teacher as far as technical stuff goes, but not so much when it comes to collaborating and involving others. I think that many of his reactions reflect an inner insecurity and lack of confidence, but it's being transmitted as the opposite (at least seemingly). There are at least two junior people working for him that seem very scared of him as an authority.

Anyhow, so he tried it with me as well. I'm kinda used to this attitude because it's quite common in my profession. I also know it a bit from the inside, because sometimes I behave in similar ways when I am feeling insecure... especially when younger. Definitely a defense. And because of all this, I kinda feel an urge to be straight with him and tell him what I think about his behavior.... but I keep myself from doing it because I think it would be too much driven by my own mental projections. So what I do: keep everything very factual, to the point, but as impersonal as possible. A few times I stepped in and did the same when I saw him "terrorize" those other colleagues -- like shifting the discussion back to the actual topic and leaving out all heat (despite feeling a lot of that heat inside). I also try not to respond to his attempts at targeting personal things in me, and definitely unresponsive to his provoking undeserved recognition. Keep the focus strictly on "objective" topic is how it works. Of course it's never truly objective, but in this case, and also in my many other similar experiences at work, it makes a civil, sometimes outstandingly productive collaboration possible. Of course this strategy is not a good one in personal relationships, although... see below.

I think in part my experience dealing with similar interpersonal interactions come from some aspects of my relationship with my father, going back far into my childhood, when I sometimes reacted with intense frustration internally at least to some behaviors of his, in spite of our generally having a great and close relationship. Kinda learned to overlook those features of his and not respond to them, and then he also learned not to provoke me that way too much. I see a lot of the same in my work relationships. We focus on what's good in the relationship. I'm not saying it's the best approach, it definitely has conflict-avoidant features instead of working through the conflicts properly, but it's a compromise.

i have done, many times, what you did with your "explanation" to your son about why you were going to attend.
i continue to do it.
while i'm doing it, i catch it and then sometimes can make it "better" by acknowledging and apologizing. but usually that doesn't work because it's not like i said something i didn't mean, though often i didn't mean it entirely the way it came across.
in your example, i might then try to ameliorate by saying: oops, that didn't come out right; what i mean is that attending your wedding is important to me because it's important to you.

which is maybe exactly the same and maybe not.
(doing something because we care about the person who cares about the thing we're going to do is better than okay, yes?)

an example: i made amends to an ex about ten days ago. she asked if she could "share" a bit. yes, of course! one of the things she shared was that one thing she knows she always does is know and own and take responsibility for her part.

i didn't burst out laughing. i didn't scream. i didn't shake my head in wonder at the power of denial. i didn't drop my jaw. i didn't even flinch.
i was entirely cognizant of why i was there and stuck to my intention. the bigger picture.
i just listened.

That is me today.
I am on the verge of tears.
I could scream and scream.
I find I bite my tongue and try put my point across yet no- one seems to get it.
I feel like do I have to be so direct that it is verging on rude?
Maybe I do?
Mine is family too.
Not friends, family.
I've tried disconnecting and not speaking to them.
I 've tried explaining.
I just come across as a moody teenager, not a 41 year old woman!

I'll tell you something that does my soul really good. Making amends to people I feel have done more harm to me, than I have them. It's the equivalent of a good gym workout, but for my spirit.

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but here goes ...

This happened pre-sobriety but has stuck with me quite a while. In my former workplace, someone spoke at a meeting about how we treat one another. She said something like this: Consider the old adage "Treat others the way you would have them treat you" and reshape it as "Treat others the way they would want you treat them -- with respect." I thought that made a lot of sense and I've tried hard to bring that to my encounters with others. (That, and remembering it's not all about me. Often, it's about others.)

Ironically, in the same workplace, there was a person with a sign on her door that read something like "I'm on my last nerve and you're getting on it." It was as though she had pre-absolved herself of any accountability for her actions/words and that everyone was put on notice that they better walk on eggshells in her presence. Or else. Interactions with her were reliably difficult and colleagues avoided her like the plague. Since then there have been some changes and that person's manager was out. When a new manager was hired, that person was out, too. The last anyone heard, she was having a hard time finding a new job. She may have pre-absolved herself from any expectations about her own behavior, but others didn't "post-absolve" her. Memories can be long; the word can get out.

I've thought about that some during the last few days. Before speaking or acting, ask whether we're treating others the way they'd want to be treated. It can take us a long way.

I like to let people into traffic if they're waiting at a cross street. :) Especially if there's a lot of cars. I like to let them in so they don't have to sit there and wait for a break in the traffic. :)

Today, one of my work partners asked me to cc him on an email I was going to send to one of our employees about a mistake the employee made. My partner said he wanted to jump in on the email and "reprimand" the employee (really he meant so that he could ridicule/abuse the employee because he has absolutely no restraint when it comes to stuff like that- I know the man very well).

I felt that the mistake the employee made didn't really amount to much at all and left him off the email... Oops... My "mistake"... :)

I love these examples of small & big acts of ...I think the word that fits best is grace. Graciousness.

Giving someone else a break just plain feels good.

I've been really angry at a colleague for days because she's been non-responsive to emails & calls & a project that I trusted we would work on together is about to fall apart. Tonight I finally got hold of her. She's really upset because of something to do w/her son. I let her vent, tried to talk her down a bit, & then asked her to please let me know early tomorrow if she'll be able to support the work, so that I can plan accordingly & let other partners know where we stand. We remain on good terms of mutual respect that includes but goes beyond our shared work.

This has been a week with a lot of big & small decisions that mix reason & emotion -- the worst kind LOL. But to the best of my knowledge, I've acquired no new enemies. That's on my list of things to take comfort in when there's not much else -- no new enemies.

Yes, it really is -- I have a list & that one's on it. :)

Keep your stories coming, please!