In my Mom’s defense she warned me about all of this when I started dating him. She told me that he would start using again, that he would get arrested again, that he would hurt me, that I would fall apart and they would have to pick up the pieces. The reason they sent me to graduate school two hours from Boston was to get me away from him. Ironically enough I think that’s actually what kept us together longer. I was so lonely and isolated out here and he provided me with companionship that I desperately needed. I honestly think things could have been different if I was living in Boston, with my friends and working. I never really wanted this is the first place, I came to graduate school because I didn’t have a choice. But it’s a great opportunity and I’d have been a fool to turn it down and I sound like a spoiled brat complaining about the fact that I’m fortunate enough to continue my education even if I’m not sure if it’s what I want, even if I’m in a town where I don’t have a single friend… a lot of people would kill for this opportunity. So why am I not happy?

The drinking is getting worse. I take Adderall (as prescribed, I don’t abuse it) and I think perhaps that’s making my drinking worse. Adderall has always given me a crash (headache, feeling nervous, irritable etc) but it’s never quite been like this. Where I feel so incredibly depressed and useless and sad that I can’t stand it, and all I want to do is be able to talk to my EXABF. I know it’s sick and it’s twisted and everything we had was based on the lies he told me but he always seemed to know the right thing to say. I could always turn to him when I needed someone to talk to.
And now I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to or talk to at all. I stay stuck trapped in my own head, faking a smile, sitting in the library writing a paper and researching and just wondering what the point of it all is. I still haven’t written all of this paper. I write a few paragraphs and then just cannot find the motivation to continue.
I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I’m trying not to drink I really really am and I’ve gone to two meetings and they were good. Helpful. Talked to a few members, got a newcomers packet, all that. But then I went home that night to my empty apartment watching all the other students heading out laughing with friends to parties and couples walking arm and arm down the street as I sat on my porch alone smoking a cigarette knowing that tonight would be just like last night and tomorrow night and every night for the past month.
I’d be completely alone. No one to call up and say can we go grab a coffee. No one I’d feel even remotely comfortable with saying hey I’m having a really hard time and need to talk. My self worth was so wrapped up in my relationship that now I just feel like a lost helpless child.

And the pain of losing him, the pain of my stupidity, the pain of being here alone, the complete lack of control I feel I have over my life, it’s all so overwhelming and it starts to take over and it’s unbearable so I drink cos it takes the edge off. I hate that I drink but I don’t know how else to combat that pain. I have absolutely no way of coping.

My drinking is completely out of control. I’ve gone through almost an entire handle of vodka since Wednesday. I realize how freaking sick that is. I’m average at least a handle a week. I’m not sure what that averages out to a day. Probably way too much for 115 pounds 5 foot 2, 24 year old female. I count my calories and I've been drinking three times as many calories as I've been eating. It's beyond sick and twisted.

I mean what do I need to happen, I already woke up in a strangers apartment. Do I need to wake up on the street, in the hospital, in jail? What is it that’s going to be the final straw that causes me to say enough is enough. I know drinking is only making things worse but I don’t know how else to cope. I mean sometimes I’ll be sitting there feeling so low I just think about not even wanting to exist anymore. Thinking about how I just don’t want to feel anything anymore and I am so sick of being so unhappy.

I think about everything I had going for me with my education but it all just feels like so much pressure, so much stress that I am just not in the mental state to handle. My parents were right about him. Here I am falling apart over someone who lied cheat stole manipulated me and broke my heart. And I was WARNED about this. I was told to walk away and I didn’t.

And I came here in April and you’re all telling me what I already should have known to be true but I didn’t listen. I stayed with him. I believed his lies. I believed him when he said he wasn’t using, believed him when he gave completely ridiculous reasons for not having money, trusted him when he said guys I had a really bad feeling about weren’t addicts, believed him when he told me that he didn’t commit that crime in April even tho the Police SAW him and he was arrested with a guy with the same name as his friend. How could I have been so stupid and so blind?

It’s my own fault that I am where I am. If I’d listened to ANYONE and EVERYONE then I wouldn’t be here. Maybe I’d be happy. Maybe I’d be with a guy who isn’t sitting in prison

But I didn’t so now here I am. Drinking three times as many calories as I eat, passing out not remembering half the night from before with random injuries and a hang over and I’m sure drinking is only making my depression worse but when I’m sober the feelings are full force, the grief and the helplessness and all of it are just so overwhelming and I feel trapped and drinking is the way I escape.
There’s too much stress, too many expectations, too much pressure to be something that I’m just not capable of being. My parents would lose thousands in rent alone if I leave school now. But I just don’t see how I can keep up with the demands of graduate school when I feel this low. When I’m in this much pain. I know recovery is a lot of work and I just don’t know if I’ll have the emotional or mental capacity to commit to it when I’m trying to worry about school.
I’m scared of how my parents will react if I were to actually go to a program I honestly don’t think they would ever forgive me. Me being with my ex already did irreversible damage to our relationship and if I actually do drop out and actually do have to go to a program and they do lose money…and I do prove them right I don’t know if they will ever forgive me for that.

Part of what you say makes perfect sense and part of what you say makes NO sense.

It's all in how you look at your circumstances....think about it? You have FREEDOM, a place to live and a rare opportunity to become a successful woman (idk what your major is, mine was economics which i did not complete).

you aren't going to be happy until you do some work. so WHAT if you are sitting on the porch at night by yourself???? it's nice not to have to worry about anyone else.

IDK what else to say, to you, but come back and keep posting. BE GRATEFUL for what you have. (feel free to join in on the gratitude section, even for a night of sobriety, finishing your paper, not calling your XAB or yelling at your mother. that's how you find your way. i'll have a virtual coffee with you anytime! i just want you to realize that you need to take the high road and learn from the past, not keep living in it. ******{hugs}}}}

crazy's improvement over insane, fred.:a122:

fenway, you really arent alone. you have us and a higher power with ya if ya want it.

i can understand the concern of having what it takes to get sober and study. however, there are options. i have a friend that got himself a lil too deep in studies. he was able to drop a few classes with no ramifications. it insnt going to effect his student aid. they would much rather see students lighten the load than fail a class.

why in the world do you think yer parents would have a problem with you getting help with yer problem with alcohol????


"It’s my own fault that I am where I am. If I’d listened to ANYONE and EVERYONE then I wouldn’t be here. Maybe I’d be happy. Maybe I’d be with a guy who isn’t sitting in prison ."

time to throw out the ass kickin machine. yer not a bad person yer just sick. but theres a solution if you want it.
time to stop with the "what ifs". i was 36 when i got into recovery. i made a mess of my life. actually, i didnt have a life. i was just existing. but the thing about all that so caled wasted time is that i have a ton of knowledge of what doesnt work. it has been a blessing in disguise to have been able to live 2 lives.
you can still be happy if you put int he footwork. i sure hope you want to. it was the greatest decision i ever made.
now, if you look at yer past, i am sure that having a man in yer life hasnt done anything to make you happy. the thing with us alcoholics having relationships is we only attract people as sick as ourselves.
i used to think i needed a woman to make me happy. it never worked. what i found that did help was to get a relationship with the God of my understanding and with myself, to be able to lok in the mirror and like who i see( pretty ugly, but i like him).


you can do it and life will get better. but i am sure you also know what will happen if you kep drinking. i sure hope you decide to put getting sober the #1 priority in your life. it has been an awesome journey.

Ah, Fenway, I feel so bad for you but I'm glad you came back to SR.

I've said it once before to you, but trust me, you are not seeing things clearly right now. Each and every time we turn to the booze for relief in handling how we feel, we just dig the hole deeper. Our judgement and inhibitions are in the chitter.

I know how it feels to be unable to punch your way out of a paper bag.

I had a lot of work to do to get my life straightened out. I missed a lot of opportunities. I went to therapy to try to "exorcise my demons" under the theory that if I addressed painful feelings (yup, there were tons of them) and anxiety, I would no longer drink to excess, and everything would be fine. Spoke to therapists but never really addressed MY drinking issues, and spent a lot of time talking about other people's drinking issues. And I kept drinking until the bottom fell out.

You have GOT to get alcohol out of your life.

It was when I addressed the drinking problem that things fell into place.

Don't be afraid to address it - fear keeps us locked in the madness. Be fearless.

I think everyone here will tell you to start dealing with the drinking problem, and see what is revealed after you eliminate alcohol. And then address those issues, one at a time.

Sobriety won't solve everything right now, but it is the first step in the right direction. Boyfriends, school - all temporary situations - but an investment in yourself at this juncture in your life will provide you with balance and perspective that will serve you well for all your years...

Lots of suggestions on this forum on how to do that :)

I just got back from a meeting.

And it was the best meeting I’ve been to in so long

I met a girl there around my age and she gave me her number and told me she’s just moved back to the area and any time I need a sober friend to get coffee with or to go to a meeting with please don’t hesitate to call. She told me she goes to at least one meeting every day and she’d be more than happy to go with me because she knows how scary it is to go alone as a new comer.

And then at this meeting a bunch of people came up to say welcome and that they hope I keep coming back. Sad part is the only reason I could go tonight is because my class was cancelled but the girl said a lot of the same people to meetings she’s gone to that I haven’t been to yet.

I don’t know. It felt good to be there tonight like I was somewhere that people had my back and they got it. I even talked in the meeting tonight. I didn’t say much just that I’d reached a point where my life barely even seemed like it was worth living and after I said that several people followed up to say they’d felt the same way and one guy said that if he’d made a list of what he’d wanted when he was first getting sober or when he was drinking he would have sold himself short cos he couldn’t have ever imagined himself being where he today when he wasn’t sober.

I’m going to keep going back. Keep trying to make those positive connections. It just feels so good to feel like I’m not alone. This is the first meeting I haven’t just sat in the back isolated and unnoticed and it felt really good.

I felt at home at this meeting. I felt welcomed. I felt understood. It meant so much. It might sound so stupid but...that feeling makes me want to keep going back. It makes me think that if I keep going back I can beat this.

I feel good tonight.

Sounds like it could have been your day....That's awesome!

Thanks =)

It's just such a relief to know I'm not alone. I felt so alone and isolated before.

Meetings will do that for you. Keep it up !!

All the best.

Bob R

Day 2 of being sober.

I am still considering taking the semester off. I am going to speak to my advisor and see what he thinks. I think it would be for the best as I do not feel I am in a place where I am able to give class the attention it requires. I am hoping I can get placed on some kind of medical leave. I will continue to live here and go to meetings, it's just about convincing my parents its the right thing to do...

Anyway I am feeling okay. I sort of feel like I've had a hangover for two days... very nervous and headache and stuff and so hungry! Someone at AA gave me a Snickers Bar and Twix bar because she said sweet stuff can help with cravings, I never eat stuff like that I try to stick to a pretty strict diet but I ate both of them tonight and I ate buffalo wings too I am wicked bloated and gross feeling but eating does bring me some comfort I guess it's better than the alternative.

I just really don't know what the best thing to do about school is. Trying to juggle 4 classes, two of which require me to work with a student, just seems like a bit much for right now

Hey Fenway - We've all been in your shoes when we were bottoming out. It's good that you're reaching out to the SR community - its a step in the right direction.

Alcoholism is a disease. You have a disease. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue. You need to take it seriously bc it could kill you.

Listen, AA is FREE and it will help you. Meetings are all day in most places. Your life is a shambles and it can get better, but you need to want it to. I strongly suggest you start going to AA. It is anonymous and can fit into your school/work schedules. They probably even have them on campus. You don't have to live this way. You can take your life back.

Here's a listing for AA Central Office/s in MA. I called Central when I needed help. They talked to me, found me a meeting and put me on my way to recovery. Recovery is very different than what you think. :)

Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information

I'll be coming up on 15 months sober in AA this week....I didn't work the first 6 months....Other than making my sobriety my full time job. I went to meetings...Studied the book...Got a sponsor....Worked the steps....Helped other alcoholics. If I put anything ahead of my sobriety I'd probably have nothing right now. For me that was an investment for my life...That's the only way I can look at it. Think about it...And talk to your advisor. Wishing you the best FF!

Well it's day 3 and I'm freaking out a little bit

Someone cut in front of me at the grocery store today and before I could even think about it I was asking him what his f***ing problem was and why doesn't he f***ing pay attention to where he's going instead of texting on his phone. I apologized after cos it was SO rude of me! I was just so on edge and short tempered all day! I was short with everyone, every little thing pissed me off and I had SUCH a short fuse

I also cannot stop eating. I've never had much of a sweet tooth but it seems like I cannot get enough sugar. Normally I eat about 1200 calories a day of super healthy food but today I ate almost 2000 of pure crap lots of it sugary crappy snacky food, it seems likes snacking makes me feel a little better.

I also can't sleep. And when I do sleep I get these horrible vivid bad dreams so I wake up exhausted and feel exhausted and unmotivated all day.

And finally I get these weird out of body type experiences where I feel really light headed and panicky and almost like I'm watching my body from above myself.

Is any of this normal?

PS- Quitting school isn't an option. If I do my parents are completely cutting me off. In that case I'd be homeless and without medical insurance and without anything cos I absolutely 100 percent can't depend on myself financially. So I guess I just have to suck it up and pray to God I maintain at least a B- average because anything lower than a C is failing.

It was perfectly normal for me my first week or two. All of it.

Got to do what you got to do....But your recovery has to be a priority...Without it you got nothing. It's going to take some work....They wouldn't go for a semester off huh?

Yeah, some of us were totally angry when we quit drinking, and frustrated, and sad, and, well... you know... and so it comes out at times as we sober up. Normal as normal can be, and as you gain some sober experiences, it will become easier to be "nicer", in fact, you see, how you quickly apologised! :)

About school, well, we all have to do what we have to do, and of course you can become free and sober while attending classes, its just gonna take more from you to perform well as you detox and get things sorted out.

Anyways -- you can do this, school or no school, and sobriety can still be the number one priority, and your grades can still be A's and B's. :)

Be kind to yourself, Faithful.