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I can't do this anymore

Old 09-20-2012, 02:09 AM
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I can't do this anymore

I am typing this on my phone because my computer crapped out so try and bear with any crazy auto corrects

I'm trying to keep it all together but i just can't do it anymore. I got involved with an addict who was just arrested for the umpteenth time in his life and 2nd time since April

It screwed up everything in my life. I lost friends my self respect my sanity. I did irreversible damage to my relationship with my family and I started lying to everyone including myself about how I felt about him and about who he was and even secretely started dating him after he was arrested for the first time while we were together

I've always used alcohol to cope as you all know but dealing with the stress of being with an addict brought it to a new level now that he is in jail it is worse than ever. But I've spent so much time lying to everyone about everything that no one knows how much I'm struggling

I'm trying to deal with his arrest and my alcoholism and being in graduate school in a city where I don't know anyone and feel completely isolated and alone and I just can't do it.

I am 24 but financially dependent on my parents because too much of a lose and a mess to take care of myself. They warned me not to get involved with my EXABF but I did it anyway and now here we are. They warned me that he would ruin my life

And they were right cos here I am with all the opportunity in the world and potential to actually do something with my life and I can't get though a damn day without drinking I can't find the motivation to get out of bed let alone what it takes to be in graduate school

But I don't know how to tell anyone in my life any of this I am at a point whee my depression and drinking is so bad I literally cannot function but I don't know how to ask for or get the help I need

I truly do not think i am emotionally capable of being in graduate school and part of me is afraid of what I might do if I continue to pretend everything is okay but I don't know how to tell my parents that I just can't do this that they've wasted thousands on a loser who just isn't capable of being half of the woman they want me to be how to tell them I've been lying for so long and I just can't do it anymore

Truth is I need some kind of program but am terrified of their reaction and have no idea how to express any of this to them
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Old 09-20-2012, 02:32 AM
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I'm sorry for your dire troubles, FenwayFaithful. It is an awesome challenge to come to grips with ourselves when we decide we have had enough and we want to quit drinking and live our lives sans alcohol and happily productive and free.

When I finally quit, I had a plan to do a detox, and a rehab stay, and a program, and just keep doing it right to get away from my drinking. It took me three months, and I graduated from the rehab, and i've been sober since through any and all good and bad times now for many years.

I too drank away opportunities, and I was a disapointment while drinking... which really means i had good reason to stop, lol.

I think if you work with your parents the idea that you need to get free from alcohol NOW and NOT LATER, and that you have solid plans to do so and follow up with then returning to your studies eventually, you'll have them understanding your challenges with their own sense of insight into their beloved daughter.

You know they love you, and so, let them love you as you are now being challenged, and not just as if you've already failed them so much that there is no room for love and forgiveness. I'm sure they want you to be free from alcohol if alcohol is your ruination...

As for the boyfriend...

you don't need the trouble, you know?

do what is right, and then take another look at yourself, and do some more right, and another look as you progress, and I'm sure you'll see that your ex needs to be in your past and not in your future...

I hope you do have a heart to heart with your parents ASAP.
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Old 09-20-2012, 02:43 AM
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FF,
Good to see you back. If you truly believe you need outside help, such as rehab, please tell your parents. Or is there a school counselor you can talk to? I know you had trouble finding AA meetings there, but maybe the school can point you to some support group.

Your last post was riddled with shame and you really wanted to stop drinking. It will be hard doing it alone, with everything else you have going on. You must find help
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Old 09-20-2012, 02:45 AM
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Fen you can make this right.

You are 24!
You have the chance of being brilliant.
You do not need to be with someone like this.

Fast forward 10 years and you are still with him..
Your worries might be is he in jail? Has he spent all the money on drugs and how will we pay rent? Where is he, has he overdosed?

THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.

How are you going to feel when all your friends and people of the same age are celebrating milestones, achievements, wealth and health?
New marriages, new babies, new home, fabulous holidays?
In 10 years time, this situation with him will be tedious and tiring.
I should imagine you will resent him hugely for your life turning out the way it has.

Put yourself in your parents shoes.... if you had a child and she was doing what your doing, how would you feel? Do you think she deserved better? Could you predict how life might turn out? Would you want this for her?

24 is no age and you are lucky to have your parents.
Use this time to keep your head down, work hard and build for your future.

You have no children together.
You have no ties.
When you have ties it is not easy to leave, be free and live how you want to live.

Moping around and thinking of him and all the feelings that go with this will not help your drinking.

Does this make any sense?
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Old 09-20-2012, 02:46 AM
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fenway, yer only gonna attract someone as sick as yerself and until you make getting sober the most important thing in yer life, nothig else is gonna matter. i think if you look at where you are now, you will see that is happening.

how i got the help was to go to an AA meeeting. when it was my time to share, which i didnt hav to, i said," im tom. im an alcoholic and i cant take it anymore." its all i could say and i broke down. i didnt have to say any more. the ones there that went before me knew.
i highly suggeststart goin to AA and open up. it is free and the help is tremendous. i knew that my thinkin got me where i was so my thinkin wasnt gonna help anymore. dont compare the drinkin thing. listen for the thinkin thing, get phone numbers, call people in recovery, get a big book, get a sponsor, and work the steps. give it T.I.M.E. and you will get weller. it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!
alcohol is but a symptom of a much deeper problem.
IMO, dump the boyfriend and get a better higher power, one that will help you with your problems.
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Old 09-20-2012, 03:36 AM
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Fens, call your mother, just tell her what you told us. One step at a time.
make an appt. To meet with your faculty advisor, see what he/she recommends to get an excused absence to continue in the course next semester so you dont lose the tuition.
i work with off cycle students all the time.
If you stop drinking today, you can start to get off the crazy train. Get a new phone number and quit talking to this guy on your dime while hes in jail.
if you really want a fresh new wonderful life, you gotta do the work too.
find one thing you are grateful for everyday and build on it, one thing.
Concentrate on just staying sober today.
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:03 AM
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Fenway, you are talking to people here who have been where you are, the despair and self loathing you describe were constant companions for me too.

Here's the thing. You have power inside you that is limited only by your imagination. Visualize the person you know that you are. Understand that your past does not control you today. You can flip this around right now.

Grab a pen and paper, and write down what you would advise someone else to do, and then do it!
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:08 AM
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FF, hugs. You are in a spot, but not an impossible spot by any means. Please please do NOT let shame, guilt or regret stop you from doing what is best for you and everyone you love.

Consider this. If you had a friend who was in the exact situation you are, would you want them to come clean and get help and create an awesome life?

I'm a parent of kids your age. Trust me, they would rather (even if they freak a little at first) have you do what it takes to make your life work.

Alcoholism is a medical issue. If you had any other medical issue you or your parents would probably not hesitate to drop everything else and address it before it got any worse, before it got deadly. This is the same thing, there may be layers of shame etc involved, but under it all, it's the same.

My ex husband is a professor, and it's not uncommon for his students to take a "time out" of their education to deal with situations exactly like yours, and the profs and schools work with them...many of the profs and admins have struggled themselves or have loved ones who are facing what you face. They want their students to succeed.

Talk to someone at the school, do you have an advisor? they can tell you what needs to be taken care of as far as putting your schooling on hold for a little while. Often there is someone at the school who can direct you towards svcs and may be able to sit down with you AND your parents (if that's appropirate) and help everyone understand what's going on.

And please stay close to us here at SR, no shame or guilt required here, but lots of understanding, encouragement and support.
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:13 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
fenway, yer only gonna attract someone as sick as yerself and until you make getting sober the most important thing in yer life, nothig else is gonna matter. i think if you look at where you are now, you will see that is happening.

how i got the help was to go to an AA meeeting. when it was my time to share, which i didnt hav to, i said," im tom. im an alcoholic and i cant take it anymore." its all i could say and i broke down. i didnt have to say any more. the ones there that went before me knew.
i highly suggeststart goin to AA and open up. it is free and the help is tremendous. i knew that my thinkin got me where i was so my thinkin wasnt gonna help anymore. dont compare the drinkin thing. listen for the thinkin thing, get phone numbers, call people in recovery, get a big book, get a sponsor, and work the steps. give it T.I.M.E. and you will get weller. it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!
alcohol is but a symptom of a much deeper problem.
IMO, dump the boyfriend and get a better higher power, one that will help you with your problems.
Here, here.

AA is how what I thought nearly the worst thing that could ever happen to me has become one of the greatest gifts of my life. This journey is about far, far more than just not drinking.

If you've got the willingness to go to any lengths for your recovery, the solution that has worked miracles for me is also within your reach.
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:57 AM
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If you have a chance, google search AAs 9th step promises. See if they appeal to you. They are written out of experience not opinion. The instructions on how to achieve them are given in the Big Book. If you are looking for a program maybe its worth looking into.
Best wishes!
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:02 AM
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Fens, i work with medical students (some are doing MD/PhD program). Getting an Excused Absence to take a semester off for illness won't ruin anything for school. you'll do better to go this route if you are overwhelmed and can't concentrate right now. they can adjust your schedule and you can flex the year.

the most important thing right now is to stop self-medicating with booze cos it is making things look WORSE and contributing to your depression and anxiety. you will feel tremendous relief when you take a step towards getting control of your life.
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Old 09-20-2012, 07:13 AM
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When drinking turned me into a depressed sodden woman
I detested is when I connected to AA...

Yes you too can win ..
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Old 09-21-2012, 12:50 PM
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Sorry for the delay in response.

I’ve been trying to deal with the stress of everyday occurrences which includes money problems after having to buy a computer and now trying to find a job. And actually trying to give a crap about this essay I have to write when it honestly all feels pointless. I can’t seem to get my new laptop to connect to the internet, probably because it’s a 250 dollar piece of junk so I need to actually go to campus in order to access the internet.
I haven’t yet gone to AA. With my current state of mind what little focus and motivation I am able to muster has to be spent working on this rather important paper I have due Monday. I honestly couldn’t care less about school. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I tell myself okay today you’re going to write a section of your essay because it’s due Monday and that’s what you have to do. Just going through the motions like some kind of zombie.
At least I’ve been able to control my drinking to an extent because I know I need to get this paper done. I know if I don’t I will just bury myself further into this hole I’ve dug myself in since getting involved with my EXABF and since I started going through an handle of Rubinoff a week.
Anyway, I tried to talk to my Mother but it turned into an argument. She blamed my EXABF, started talking about how she warned me this would happen, brought up the issues I had in 2009 when my first Ex broke my heart and what I put them through then and that they warned me that if I stuck around I would get hurt and ruin my life and how I didn’t listen and now I am paying the consequence and how he’s the scum of the Earth and the reason I don’t have any friends in this town and how I am irresponsible and never make the right choices or do the right thing, and how I can’t be trusted to make the right decision for myself. I can’t really argue with her on any of that, because she’s right. I don’t t think she can be blamed for her frustration or anger.
She said that I just to stop lying around my room and get out of the house and get a job that will allow me to meet good people not just sitting around talking to “God knows who online” and how I need to stop playing the poor me game and suck it up and realize I am paying for the consequences of my mistakes with my EXABF, rise to the challenge and realize how much better of I am without him and how dropping out of graduate school will only make everything worse and how look at all the money we spent on you already, do you know how much money we will lose in rent and tuition and what are you going to do if you take the semester off just sit in your room all day feeling sorry for a criminal? And how it would only make matters worse and I would probably never go back go graduate school and I’d just be happy making 12 dollars an hour living in Dorchester in a rooming house with a drug addict.
She doesn’t seem to understand that taking time off doesn’t about want to have no responsibility; it’s about getting to the point where I can handle the responsibility. Anyway after a 30 minute lecture about what a disappointment I am and guilt trips about how much they’ve given up to support my education after the mere suggestion of taking time off to work things out I didn’t really feel comfortable going into detail about the exact nature of my problems.
She obviously isn’t going to be particularly sympathetic or supportive of me getting help if it means leaving school and them losing money, and I can’t really blame her for that. Anyway the therapist I’m seeing here is only short term, my school doesn’t offer anything beyond this and she agrees and insists I need a referral to someone who can provide me with more long term services, but I honestly can’t afford that as it wouldn’t be through my university and I’d have to pay for it.
I guess what I’ll have to do is just try and power through for now. Start to attend AA on regular basis, maybe actually get a job…try and handle school work the best I can…it just all seems so overwhelming and impossible but maybe if I just take it day by day….I don’t know.
I just feel so alone and isolated. It’s my biggest issue. If I could just find a way to not feel that way, all of this would be easier to deal with. Because it is that that is causing me to feel so incredibly depressed and therefore drink as much as I have been.
I'm not really sure how to feel better or what the first step needs to be. I suppose I need to start with cutting off all contact with the EXABF but that isn't going to make me feel any better.

PS- I did mention that I wanted to get into some sort of program but she dismissed the idea as ridiculous rather quickly.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:03 PM
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I'm hearing that you're away from the exABF. 1 problem solved.

You say you don't know how to ask for help - seems like you're doing just fine. Getting on SR is a great 1st step. My opinion is that your 2nd should be AA, but there's also SMART and AVRT. Others can speak to them. The one that worked for me was AA.

Went to meetings where there were others .just. .like. .me. to talk to, to ask for help.

Got lots of phone numbers so I could call them to talk about my alcoholism whenever I felt the cravings. If I was talking to them, I wasn't drinking.

Got into the steps of AA and cleaned up my degenerate life. OK. Mostly. Some say I'm still somewhat crazy. Mom used to tell me, If you keep making faces like that, your face will freeze that way and you'll be stuck with it. I expect the crazyness is similar.

BTW - I know a young lady, locally here that came into AA in a similar mess. She put herself through University. Then landed an excellent job. So I know it's possible. Now you do too.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:16 PM
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You have to take a deep breath and handle what you can handle. Like another said coming here asking for help is a good first start. its something YOU need to do and mom and dad may not be able to coddle you through it or help as much as say AA could or something.

You have to find balance in your life and take on the things you can handle and not take on the things that you cannot.

What I mean by that is while I was drinking i was practicly superman I could take on anything and drink the stress away. After I quit I realized my life needed to be toned down some I had to get some balance in place and only take on the problems / situations I was capable of handling and let the rest go. Some of those changes where big some not as big. I'm still restructureing so that things are easier for me to cope. I found you take away my booze you take away my ability to take on more stuff and cope with anything. The only solution since drinking was not a solution was to get more order and balance into my life and do my best to only take on the things i could handle. Realize that i'll always have problems but i can do my best to try and not create more then i can handle.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:19 PM
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Fenway, maybe it's time to give the 'no alcohol' option a shot? Take it off the table, shut the door, remove it as an option. Separate the drinking problem from the other problems. I had a big tangle of problems at my crisis time, and I couldn't find a free end anywhere, the knot just rolled and twisted and got even more tangled the more I wrestled with it. All these things that were outside of my control seemed to conspire against me.

The day came when I decided I would address my issues sober. I told myself that even if I could not control most of my problems, bending my elbow was one that was completely under my conscious control.

After a couple of weeks, my mood lifted, my problem solving brain got to work, the anxiety and constant feeling of panic disappeared and things got a whole lot clearer for me. My biggest problems shrank as my priorities shifted back to where I knew they should be. I know that this will happen for you too when you quit the alcohol.

You will quit drinking because you can. I have confidence in you, I really do.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:30 PM
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I am sorry your mother was not more sympathetic! As a mother myself this made me hurt for you, so a BIG HUG! I have two sons, 31 & 27. I only wished they would come to me to tell me and be honest about their problems BEFORE it was a crisis when it is easier to deal with. Good luck to you. Please accept all the advise these wise people are giving you!
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:48 PM
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I understand your fear. Ok, you just don't drink TODAY. Can you get through until midnight? Keep it simple, you can handle this. Just because the BF's life is spiraling out of control doesn't mean you have to go with him....you must take care of yourself. Have you been to AA? I hope you go now because you can do everything if you're sober.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:58 PM
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You're smart enough to realize where the depression is coming from and what steps you can take. You are prolonging the pain and moving backward when you talk to this XBF who is in jail/prison/etc. You are giving him power (and paying for it with your hard earned $$).

If you stop drinking, you will start thinking rationally. You need to seek help for yourself, you don't want to lose the ground you've gained. You need to realize that you have opportunity in front of you, education, CHOICES and the chance to be HAPPY. Booze and the addict BF will steal this from you and grind you into the dirt. Don't let them do this. don't be a doormat. Please turn you back on the losers and remember how hard YOU have worked to get into graduate school. Be the smart woman....
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:25 PM
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You won't be able to crawl out from your depression until you stop drinking. You have to make NOT drinking #1, then you will have a clearer and stronger mind.
Your Mom sounds so unsupportive and rather unpleasant too. Ask your therapist what the logistics are in checking into inpatient, drying out, then grabbing onto a program that sounds like it suits your personality and mind-set.
Do it. Now.

Pam
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