Opinions or experience about AA
 

Hi, everyone. I have been in and out of AA for 4 years now. I hate that I can't stick to it.. and I'm not bashing AA or downing AA, because I want to be able to commit to it.. but for some reason my mind finds ways to always question AA. I think AA is great for people who don't want to feel alone and have a sense of support.. but some things really bother me sometimes. And here are a few things.. and please do not get offended, I just want advice on how to perceive AA more positively, because the truth is.. I'm tired of drinking and I do not want to do it anymore.. so here's my list.. and please give me honest feedback..

1) The Third Step:

I have no problem admitting I have a problem over alcohol.. I just don't understand how to give your life over to God.. does this mean I do not have control over my life anymore? Isn't this more like having an external focus of control instead of an internal focus of control? I learned that it was better to have an internal locus of control, and people who do are more sucesssful.. This step confuses me.. also being agnostic does not help because I feel like I'm telling an imaginary friend to help me to stop drinking. Also I don't like knowing I have NO control at all.. I understand we can't control everything.. but we do have some control of things.

2) The Hardcore AAers:

I like that some people are passionate about their sobriety.. but some people can sound like they are self-righteous.. is AA the ONLY way to recover? It's 2012.. how come people bash any other way of treating alcoholism?

3) The pettyness:

Sometimes meetings people seem to bicker over such pettyness.. many people in AA don't even seem really happy

4) Not giving credit to yourself:

How come it's frowned upon to give yourself a pat on the back for staying sober? I understand you got help, but realistically it was YOU that got yourself sober.. right?

5) Self esteem:

I understand ego can be destructive.. but some people continuously bash themselves.. saying "yeah I'm not smart" or "don't let be in control or I'll screw it up" or "I have to do the opposite of what I think"... is it not okay to have confidence? Eventually I want to be confident again.. not cocky.. but have a healthy self-esteem.. doesn't this type of talk prevent it?

I love AA for a lot of things also.. I think it's great moral support.. and some things such as learning acceptance, helping others, and the common feeling amongst people is great and that's way I do not want to feel this way.

Again, please don't take offense to what I'm saying.. because I want help.. and I don't want to think of AA in a negative way.. it's just this stuff continuously bothers me when I'm back in AA.. if anyone has opinions or any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.. thank you :-)

Hi dgajdusek :)

I'm not in AA but I think some of those brush stokes are pretty wide...

some groups and some people may fit your characterisations, but others, people and experiences I've met here, clearly do not :)

I'm sure you'll hear from other AAers with suggestions on how your might optimise your AA experience :)

but..if in the end you really feel AA's not doing it for you - the good news is AA does not have a monopoly on recovery :)

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach :)

D

Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous".

Try the other paths ..... I wish you the best. AA will be there when you need it.

Bob R

Hi,
I am pretty new at this AA thing but I feel like you are melding the program and the fellowship into one thing. The fellowship (the people, meetings, etc) give me moral support, a feeling of not being alone, etc. But it's not the program. Here's my newbie opinion.
1) The 3rd step says turn your will over to God as we understand him. I am an athiest so obviously my HP is not God. For me, I use the rooms. I feel that wisdom and good come out of the people involved. As far as turning your life over, I've come to realize that I have very little control over most things anyway. Anything from the weather, my job, my family-all are not controlled by me and when I try, I am very unhappy. Now, that being said, I can control my actions, thoughts, etc. I don't "pray" on these things but I do try to do some self reflection daily. What is the right thing to do? What are the healthy attitudes I can bring to a situation? I find I am much happier and peaceful now that I have let go.
2) Of course there are other avenues to recovery. This is just the one that's working for me. Just like anything else (religion, politics), you will be able to find zealots who are convinced that the only way is their way. Obviously, those people haven't fully realized the 3rd step. Trying to control again. Sometimes, on the other hand, you become so "high" on success that you want to share it with the world. This has a more positive motive even though it may come off as self-righteous.
3)see above. In every group, you can find the unhappy, complaining types who need to spread their inner misery. Again they're not really working the program. However, I do find that they are in the minority. Instead of letting it upset me, I just walk away. Like it says in AA, "if you want what we have", I only hang with those who have what i want. Success breeds success. Positive attitudes are contangious.
4) Who said it was not ok to give yourself a pat on the back? Every time I get a coin and the group claps, it's for me and my accomplishment. Every time someone in a group announces a positive outcome, people smile, clap, and are genuinely encouraging. Or least that's what I choose to see. Are you referring to the thanks to a higher power? As I said, my HP is a tad untraditional, I do feel that my accomplishments are greatly helped by an outside force and would not take all of the credit. But that's me.
5) Ok, this one I honestly don't get. How does being an AA member cut down your self-esteem? Mine hasn't been better in years. Not drinking combined with the 4th step really is helping me deal with a lot of past actions. I did a lot of stupid things when I was drinking. Burned a lot of bridges. Hurt a lot of people. Including myself. While I don't feel good about those things, they are not crushing me under a wave of guilt and shame.

Again, take this with a grain of salt. They are my opinions only. Just like anything else, there are many takes on AA. If, in the end, it's not helping then seek out something else. Or there's nothing saying you cannot combine methods.
BTW, no offense taken. You are in charge of your recovery and it's success and it's up to you to find the best thing for you.

1) The Third Step:
read how it works from right after (c) on pg 60 up to 2nd paragraph on pg 63. it explains what the 3rd step is about.

2) The Hardcore AAers:

I like that some people are passionate about their sobriety.. but some people can sound like they are self-righteous.. is AA the ONLY way to recover? It's 2012.. how come people bash any other way of treating alcoholism?

no, AA is not the only way. some poeple can be sick and suffer from spiritual pride. no matter which program or method of being used to recover, we are sick people. it happens.

3) The pettyness:

Sometimes meetings people seem to bicker over such pettyness.. many people in AA don't even seem really happy

length of sobriety doesnt determine mental, emotional, or spiritual sobriety. seek out the fellowship you crave.


5) Self esteem:

I understand ego can be destructive.. but some people continuously bash themselves.. saying "yeah I'm not smart" or "don't let be in control or I'll screw it up" or "be confident again.. not cocky.. but have a healthy self-esteem.. doesn't this type of talk prevent it?


yes, its ok to be confident. but over confident and thinking i know everything or i can control anything is over confident and gets me in trouble. people that say they arent that smart and dont want to be in control are humble people. it doesnt mean they arent smart. we drunks are actually quite intelligent people. thats what got us into trouble.

"I have to do the opposite of what I think"...

that can be a toughy, that is their opinion and they are entitled to it. early on, i had to do the same. when a decision came up, it was my thinking from many years of thinkin the way i was so that thinkin would be first and it wasnt right. as time has gone on, my thinkin has gotten better and the right decision comes to mind. however, i still get times where i have to take it easy and wait for the right thought to come up.


the best advise i could give is to go up to the one who has what ya want and tell em they are gonna be your sponsor and guide you though the steps.

Hi dga,

Ill try answer some of your questions based on my own experience with AA. With the Third Step, we turn our will over to God, being your HP as you see it. In my experience, I have more control over my life now realizing that I just surrender to God instead of trying to control everything and things just happen as they should happen instead of "me" running the show and it has helped me manage my life a lot better I am not so quick to jump at every assumption and I have a stronger handle on my emotions. I suggest reading the first 168 pages in the BB especially the Doctor''s Opionion and " To The Agnostics" it will answer the questions you have better than I could. Many of us alcoholics cant get this simple program at first because we are intelligent people and like to analyze things to death and I know I am one of these people but my sponsor showed me I must surrender and she was right because my life is a lot more manageable now.

You will find all different kinds of people in all meetings you attend. Some I can relate to and others I listen to and take what I need. Some are sicker than others in the rooms and some have different perceptions on handling their own sobriety because it has worked for them.

Its human nature to gossip and speak negatively and I know for myself that I pay attention to what people are sharing in the meeting or how they relate to others. I follow those who are filled with inspiration but yet are humble and I will ask them to be in my network. I stay away from those who come from a negative place because my sobriety depends on staying positive.

I never heard it was frowned upon to stay sober.. I know the people in the meetings I attend want to support you and you should be proud of yourself its not an easy path. My HO has helped me stay sober but in order to understand it read the BB, get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps and it will just come if you are honest and really work the program.

You have some valid questions I am pretty new to AA myself but I hope I have shared some light.

AA isnt for everyone, and everyone isnt for AA. The program isnt for those that need it, deserve it, or want it. Its for those that are willing to do anything it takes to get sober. It seems like some look for any excuse to not be successful in AA.

The "God" thing is a big one. Where was our "belief system" when we were out there drinking and drugging? Three minutes sober and we become religous zealots.

Hardcore AA'rs, mostly they can see through our weak attempts and BS, and let us know it. Thats why we dont like them.

Pettyness, this whole thread is a good example of that.

Self esteem, I came into the rooms with no self esteem and quickly advanced to low self esteem. Thats progress.

There are many ways to get sober, but I only know of one that worked for me. I had to adopt a different way of thinking in order to get sober. Hmm, maybe that is that "God" thing. Just sayin...

Not everyone 'needs' AA.

Your post seems quite condescending.

Believing AA is the only way is wrong and deluded.

Yeah, I just saw there is a DVD you can buy that will get you sober.....

So, no-one ever stayed sober, ever, without dedicating themselves to the fellowship of AA?

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Im sure they do. Never said otherwise.

I'd like this thread to remain positive and useful.

We can do that not by offering opinions on the methods other people use...but by focusing on whats worked for us.

thanks :)

D

Oh, I read your 'dvd' comment the wrong way then.

Fair enough.

Thanks Dee thats some pretty harsh comments. Its okay to question and your post did not sound condescending.

No you didnt, I was being an a$$hole. Cant help it sometimes. Apology given....

1) The Third Step:
Step 3 has an important word in it and that word is care. We always have self-will. For me, the first 3 steps prepare me for step 4 where I will be under the care of a power greater than me so I can get through that stuff. Then move on with the rest of the steps. 10, 11, 12 daily after that. Simple, not easy.

2) The Hardcore AAers:
The AA textbook, the one we study, says that AA is NOT for everybody nor does it work for everybody. Some people forget to study it. AA has been around for 77 years with another program or two working in a similar manner 100 years prior to this.

AA is more often than not the last house on the block. Our last hope. When we fully concede to our inner most being that we have alcoholism, that our way doesn't work and we don't know what else to do, so we go to any lengths to stay stopped and we work the 12 steps to save our life.

The people who claim otherwise probably don't study the big book and may rely on meetings to keep them sober, who knows what they do? Meeting makers make a lot of meetings. The new solution is working the steps into one's life.

3) The pettyness:
Those with alcoholism like to be right. We want to be heard. Sometimes it's our way or the highway. It happens. There was once a meeting to decide to add something to the big book, on the "first page," unfortunately, the group could NOT decide which page was the first page. End result: no change to the big book. Even without alcohol in us, we can be pretty difficult to deal with! Learn from this, too.

4) Not giving credit to yourself & Self Esteem:
Once we've worked through the steps and have had a spiritual awakening, we give credit to a power greater than ourselves because when I play god, I get drunk. Unfortunately, many alcoholics still suffer from a self-centered problem even after working the steps, or it could be that our ego just likes to rebuild itself. No one is better than another in a meeting, but we are human and our defects can flare.

Some people totally defend a program that seriously changed their lives or have given them a life to live. It's complicated. Learn from it, you don't have to be that way!

Lack of self esteem could also be people attempting to be humble, but still not being perfect with it. Again, the ego rebuilds itself and can get in the way.

If AA isn't the last resort for you and you aren't willing to go to any lengths to stay stopped, then maybe try another program to work in your life. AVRT, Rational Recovery, SMART, SOS, Women for Recovery, LifeRing are all viable options to research and consider.
Until we stay stopped for a period of time (a year+), we won't see the damage that alcohol has caused. How deluded our thinking is. How we really aren't well, yet.

Find a program that works and work it like your life depends upon it. Alcoholism can be an awfully slow suicide for many of us. Sometimes my alcoholism can show up in other substances, too, but in AA, the primary message is to carry the message that we can recover from alcoholism.....

I wish you well on your choice!

Love & hugs,

Most nearly all of us need *something*.
I've tried and tried and tried AA till I'm blue in the face.
I have personal issues that need to be dealt with before - if at all - I can fully partake in AA. It may never happen.
That is not the point.
Your post does not say whether you are sober currently or not, just that you've tried AA off and on for four years. If you have not been sober, then something has to change. Obviously having control of your own life has not done you any good - I had to admit this even though I am not "working AA".

As Dee gave the link earlier, I ended up using several different programs listed in that thread. So far? It's worked for me and my life has changed/is changing so rapidly I feel like all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride and wind whipping through my hair. I was willing to do anything that my psyche was willing to do. Desperation. Because I was coming to the realization that what I had done to myself, my life up to that point was ruining and I was no good at it.

Good luck to you and I truly hope you find something that works for you.

Wonderfully said Sugarbear!

No offense meant, but, frankly, this particular section of the forum is probably the last place to have a meaningful discussion about what step 3 is about.... It is an intense experience, that for many, is highly personal.... I share my experience with it at meetings and in the 12 step support section of this forum....

Otherwise, it just sounds like so much bible thumping and, yes, self righteousness....

AA isn't for all of us. For some of us it works wonders, for others not so much. But I have to say that I was ready to give it up until I "let go completely" I was stuck on the step 3 thing for a very long time as well, because I used to be agnostic. However I have since found something to believe in (it doesnt matter what it is, as long as it makes sense to me!). It works for me, because I believe in it. I know its very hard to find something if you don't believe in it.

Have you tried any other programs?