Once More Unto The Breach
 

A few weeks ago, I got carried away inside a moment. Out with friends late into the night and feeling nearly on top of the world, I swatted away a dozen rounds before one made it past my lips. It was, of course, just the beginning. The first drink was electric, the second made me giddy, and the third was when the ball started rolling. Details aside, the inevitable conclusions were reached a couple of weeks later, and now I'm mostly detoxed, again. Instead of five months sober, I'm grunting thru day 4 with a beaten down body, a restless ambivalence, more questions than answers, and a less than confident outlook on my odds. I considered staying out there, accepting my fate as destiny and just chasing along til I washed up or out one way or another. But, for a couple of reasons, I'm doing my best to fight those feelings of futility and give this one last shot.
Onward.

With respect to drinking, I strongly believe we choose our own fate and control our own destiny.

Welcome back NC - I hope this is your time too :)

D

Noble I am pleased that you are back and starting to feel better.

I recently relapsed after being sober since the beginning of the year. It was a 3-5 day bender which included an overdose. I just wanted to say that I relate to the feeling of just "staying out" there. Then I get the feeling that though that maybe life is easier & better just staying sober. Drinking on every day basis becomes too hard.

Good to hear you made it through this last bender in one piece. Even though you feel physically and mentally beaten down it's important that you keep a positive outlook. A lot of questions, the how, what and why of it all don't always have easy answers. The mystery of why we would repeat the same experiment over and over again knowing what the end result will be is one I never really figured out. Hang in there N/C.

Yeah. Been there and it sucks. I am glad you made it back here.

Take care of yourself.

Nc.....:hug:

I do hope this will be your last run with drinking ..welcome back

Good luck and welcome back. Maybe next time, just stay away entirely from places where you'll need to "swat away a dozen rounds".

Also re-evaluate the company you keep. Who the heck would keep offering drinks to somebody that turned them down repeatedly? Sounds like these people thought your pain was amusing.

I strongly believe this too. This belief is why I am a non-drinker.

yep lucky you...with friends like this you don't need any enemies.

I have no problem going to bars, parties, etc. But NO ONE that is my friend would ever offer me a drink...including my friends that drink, and I have many of those. If someone I don't know offers me a drink, I politely decline. But a stranger continuing to offer and badgering me is a little creepy and wierd, much less a friend...don't you think? Everyone that I count as a friend supports my decision to be a well and whole person. Someone encouraging me to drink is how one gets punched in the face by my circle of friends...LOL They don't need to protect me as I am a big girl and have long been strong in my sobriety...but it's rather endearing behavior ;). True friends have your back...fo sho

My friends carry no blame in this - they aren't amused by pain, they simply don't understand. To be clear, this wasn't a situation of one or two people incessantly pushing drinks my way - this was a mandatory event, a packed room blowout celebration partially in my honor, and many of the guests didn't know me 6 months ago. I dodged toasts, I pushed aside the wine at dinner. After turning down another drink, someone whom I don't know very well asked, 'Ah, you don't drink. Do you miss it?' I shrugged and forced a 'No' without elaboration. It was a simple query, but it stuck with me all night. I did miss it, I thought, I missed it a lot. It was getting lonely in my world apart and my conviction faded. Not long before last call, I found a double vodka in my hand, and then another, and another, and so on. And then it was on.

I don't publicize the fact of my not drinking or the reasoning behind it - it is a minor character in my daily life. Those who know about it generally don't challenge it, those who don't sometimes try to push the boundary. I have friends who try to bargain with me, promising to babysit me if I'll party with them, and obviously not understanding that the party doesn't just stop once they clock out. It's not an issue of them sabotaging my sobriety, it's an issue of them trying to be inclusive and knowing I can be a trainwreck when drinking without a handler, but not getting fully the totality of what it means to be alcoholic.

I chose to drink. In that moment, I wanted to and did. I cast aside wisdom and good sense, and I drowned myself in the stuff. Since then, I've been chasing my tail. I'm back on Day 1, and I honestly don't know whether I'm coming or going right now. But I do know it's unproductive and incorrect to cast blame anywhere but squarely on myself here.

I agree, Noblecause...and I was not insinuating that they carried any blame in this. I just stated that I think encouraging someone to drink is weird and creepy...just seems sophmoric to me in any circumstance... I'm sorry.

You are absolutely right...All on you no doubt.

My point is...they don't need to get the full totality of what it means to be an alcoholic to support you in a decision that has proven to have a positive impact on your life. I apologize if I just don't get it...I have many friends that drink and my experience is just so different from yours.

Best to you...

Maybe you drank because alcoholism wasn't treated?

My best to you!!

NobleCause,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I love reading your posts, and I hope you are feeling better now (physically, anyway)?

NC, something comes to mind: during your 5 months, you had moments where you felt like you were teetering on the brink, right? Do you think this might have contributed in some way to you getting 'carried away'? (Although, I realise from your previous posts that more recently this was less the case). Not saying it did, or anything, just wondering if recent events are something you now feel, in retrospect, were just a question of time?

IDK, just wondering what you would make of that.

Give it as many shots as is required - you can get your 5 months back again and many more. I know you can.

Best of luck to you - thinking of you,
BB

Welcome back.

Swatting away a dozen rounds was good, but as you found out, if they keep coming at you eventually you are going to miss one. I think it is important not to put yourself in situations where you have to swat away a dozen rounds.

it was hard for me too learn never let my guard down. there is this one moment of weakness and the enemy will use it, whisper from the side saying one will not hurt.... I learned to be vigilent, I know the monster is waiting for me to return to him. Glad you returned

Tomorrow is it, truly and seriously. Woke up today face down on a hotel suite floor, hugging an empty vodka bottle and a quarter full glass of brandy. Some old friends were strewn across the bed in the other room, collections of empty liquor bottles and little baggies on each night stand. I remember nothing of the night before, but I am starting to remember why I don't hang out with these folks anymore.

9/11 is a tough day and there was a long way home, so I fell into a few rounds earlier to settle my roll when things got shaky. I'm locking myself in for the night, doing nothing more than maintenance, and then dumping the reserves. Tomorrow I will start anew. It'll hurt, but I look forward to it, I'm sufficiently sick of living this way. It absolutely sucks.

You know N/C, your resolve is always going to wax and wane, there's just no way around that. It's easy to stop when your going through withdrawal and feeling like death warmed over. You need a way to get recentered when your feeling good and your resolve is weak. Try visualizing all the misery alcohol has caused in your life and honestly ask yourself if that's what you want to go back to, it should make taking that first drink a lot less desirable. Force yourself to do this whenever the thought of drinking pops up and just say No! No! No!. You'll get through this, just find something that works for you.

@BTSO, thank you for the encouragement. I'll get there, I know. I'm just frustrated and feeling like an idiot now for having chosen such a bumpy detour. Drinking that initial drink, I was thinking of feeling free, I wasn't thinking of my inability to stop the ride once its begun. Odd now that I am feeling anything but free. The silver lining of three weeks of brutal binges is that they got me back to the mercy point, hands up and surrendered. Just in time, as there may be some consequences rolling in for my recent escapades.

I really hope you find a better way to deal with life and stress and pain and social obligations and all the other myriad reason we drink for NC...

I hope you find it soon because boozing will consume you - if you let it.

D

@Dee74: Thanks. Me too. That's why I'm hanging up the cups. Or trying to.

NC,

As you say, the last thing you were was 'free'.

(Ooooh but I know that thought so well).

I'm so glad you are back in the (sober) game and wish you all the best.

You are also wise to draw on the silver lining for strength - beating yourself up never helped anyone.

There's a lesson in all of this for you somewhere, NC, though I don't know what it is. BTSO and Dee and others are right, something somewhere derails along the way.

I am fully, fully convinced that you can do this - I never doubted it for a second.

I look forward to reading more from you and take care of yourself,
BB

It's a good lesson to learn: if we take chances by being with people who are drinking we'll probably drink too. It's also good to see that as bad as 9/11 is you can make it much worse by drinking.

Remember, it's only today we don't drink. In 20 years I've never said or thought "I'll never drink again" or "I can't drink again". Of course I can drink again and if I don't stay vigilant I certainly will drink again.

God bless...

NC, maybe you can use some help at least until you get on your feet. The spirit may be willing but the body ends up being weak sometimes no matter how we may feel about it. Getting a little support for this takes some of the heat off you to do it all by yourself. Getting sober ain't easy. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Have you considered doing a program at all? Can you give your self a break and just reach out?

Much love.

Welcome back and best of luck. Learn from what happened and do not beat yourself up over it and move on!!! You can not put the Sh%t back into the mule!!

The good news I read from your posts is that YOU understand it is not worth it for you to drink, or even have one drink for matter, you know this now that is why you are pissed that you drank. Build upon this foundation!!! Turn your frustration into motivation.

It takes a while, hell it took me five years to figure out the roller coaster wasn't for me.

I've gone to a handful of meetings and even did a few spins thru inpatient to appease others many years ago, but I never engaged, always held to the idea that I wasn't so bad off as to really need any of that sort of thing. I'm hurting, craving, shaking, and perhaps reconsidering that wisdom today tho. Stubborn pride might not be worth its cost.

Yeah. I got stuck there too. For years. I squirmed around and tried everything under the sun to control this puppy on my own. Turns out I was just doing nothing but howling into the wind. I didn't get relief until I started to take suggestions from people who had gotten sober before me.

hid in my office all day, sick, but not dangerously so. disgusted with myself and disturbed by the gaps in memory, the scrambled brains, nausea, paranoia, splitting head and tingling limbs, i earnestly, honestly vow to quit. this is it. the day is long, hard, and on my way home it occurs to me that there's one bottle left, the one in the back corner of the first floor closet that i didn't finish a few nights ago or remember to sweep out to the neighbor's recycling bin late last night.

halfway thru it, i take stock of things. i know where i'm headed, and i know what it means. i'm in my early thirties, and i've spent over two decades actively addicted. i've hit low bottoms and caused horrific pain, and the truest contentment and peace i've known was in my sober time. yet i drink. i'm not an idiot or an inherently bad person, but i drink and risk my freedom and the trust of everyone who went out on a limb to offer me a second chance or an avenue of redemption.

not sure exactly how i'm gonna make this next part work, but i will quit soon. really soon. couple of days, perhaps a week. things get dicier with each and every binge, and with a half a fifth or more a night for maintenance in between, i know i'm only screwing myself in setting the stage for a ruder awakening on day 1. but i'm compelled.

i'm an atheist, a control freak, and i detest group sharing, but i'm growing an open mind from desperation and reconsidering all sorts of options. regardless of the route i end up taking, i'll be back on your sober shores soon, healthy & helpful, promise... til then, thank you all for your input and encouragement. it means a lot.

I remember being sick and hiding too - wanting to stop but rationalising I didn't have the strength to stop the momentum....in reality I was as scared of stopping as I was of not stopping.

It really doesn't get any better - and the soon you can pull yourself out of the dive, the better NC.

Atheist, control freak and detester of hugs or not - there is a better way to live - and you deserve it.

Find a way that you think might just work - and reach out today, NC.

here's a lot of us here behind you :)

D

Hello NobleCause,

I've been going to a few wake's here in the last few years.
Good people, much like yourself. My summary here is; you will
quit with or without your consent. Please get out while you can.

Sobriety - ignore it and it'll go away....
 

Forgot how compelling the drink/sick cycle can be once on a roll; to know that the stuff that will calm in the short term will also kill in the long is arbitrary inside of the wave. There's nothing interesting about it, but the body wants what the body wants.

I've been drinking for about a month, save for the 4 days I strung together a couple weeks ago in a feeble attempt to right things. During the week, I wake up just a few hours after passing out with a liquor glaze and a dry heave, and I promise to stop. Like clockwork, by midday the vapors of the night previous have lifted and I'm lurking by the wet bar in my office. Raw nerves, shivering, sick guts, speedy heart, unsteady hands, and that desperation on fire at the back of the throat, needy and intent... A drink will fix this, it all says. The outside world is a too bright, too loud afterthought and there is no mood but pain or numb. This is the context in which it begins each day. Some nights end quietly in my own bed only a few hours past midnight, some end breaking dawn facedown in strange quarters hours from my home. One never knows and one seldom remembers.

I'm a different person when I'm drinking, and not only when I'm drunk. As I slipped out for relief this afternoon, an eager young staffer who I am theoretically mentoring stopped me and begged earnestly for advice; he asks about his future and the industry and I hear nothing but the growl in the back of my own head, 'the sooner this idiot shuts his face, the sooner I can have a drink.' I don't know how exactly I found my way back down this rabbit hole, tho research shows that most Russian Roulette players have engaged in the game before... But I've done enough damage and am close enough to the edge with enough risk to I know I don't want to stay. I plan to taper over the next two nights and then go straight on Sunday. I will not neglect the work I need to do to stay sober this time.