What do you tell yourself when you're an addict
 

I don't know how it is to be an addict. What thoughts do you have about yourself when you know you are one. What do you tell yourself to justify your actions. What does it feel like to see the pain in your mother's eyes? I am just trying to understand the mind of an addict because my son is one and I just don't understand it. Thanks for any insight.

well when you are realy into getting high all the time, i have found that you don't realy have that high of standards for your self.

me personaly i never realy give a ____ about most other people around me, and i am talking about before or after using drugs. my standards are not as high as most peoples for allot of things. i am not some guy with a overly high ego and self image. and i do what I want to. and if it feels good do it.

doing drugs only sucks when you run out of them,or do to much of them,or cant do them anymore.So for the user with my low standards , and compramised morals it is not that bad to get high and get high all the time for me, and if anyone is trying to stop me i will just lie to them ,and if some one is realy in my face about it,even my own mother eye to eye in my face,i will not realy be seeing anything,I will be feeling rage. angry crazy rage. get the #$%# out of my way rage.

I don't give a %$## who wants me to stop doing drugs if i want some drugs i will get some drugs. no one can stop me from doing anything i want to do. only i can stop doing drugs and only i can start doing drugs.

I have much pride and self respect. But addiction seems to drowned all of that out.

My thoughts are this, I know I can do so much good in this world and live a happy life.....if only I could stop using. And I haven't yet but I think about it all the time. And I have support from my family. I hate being fake and lying to the only people who really care about me, but it happens. Believe me, your son is not a bad person! He just sounds like he needs help and support and he obvioulsy has a great mother.

Carl250r & Tryingtolive, thanks for the insight. And thanks for your honesty which I have been told is in short supply for and addict. Obviously,The addicted mind views the world differenty.

Can anyone else chime in with their insights on this topic ?

You know what SS? I drank and used for 24 years. My folks tried to help me, but finally in Jan 1979 said "NO MORE, if you call us we will hang up and if you come to the door it will be closed in your face, (and they did) this is your problem not ours, deal with it."

My first thought was "well p*** on you." My second thought was "f**** it."

You see my sole focus was alcohol and drugs. How much I had left, where I was going to get more, and how I was going to get more.

Alcohol and drugs toward the end had become my MASTER. I was too numb to hear the hurt or to see the hurt.

I also have to tell you that it took another 2 1/2 years before my afflictions finally brought me to my knees, and the last 1 1/2 years were lived on the streets of Hollyweird.

Yes, as my log in names shows, I got sober and clean 6-7-81. Now if I could do it so can your son, but he has to want it first.

It took years into recovery to build a relationship with my folks but it happened and it was a good one.

It has nothing to do with you SS. It has to do with your addict son being ADDICTED to his MASTER.

Please go to your meetings, take care of YOU, set your boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Know that his HP is watching over him, but also know that HP will not do anything until son asks for help.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers that his awakening comes soon.

Love and hugs,

I do hope you are attending a support group for yourself.

Blessings to you and your family

Here is an interesting link on brain and addiction

http://www.alcohol-drug.com/neuropsych.htm

Blessings

Hi, I'm Tyler and I'm definately and addict!! This is an article Morning Glory (one of the forum mods) posted in the Secular Connections forum. It was like looking in the mirror for me. I can't speak for other addicts, but it described my thoughts and feelings to a tee. Here's the link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-dilemna.html

Thanks Tyler for the good link

Mostly I used to tell myself that I worked my ass off and I deseved some R&R at the end of the day. Heck I worked hard for my money, it's not as if I beg, borrow or steal it.

So what if I wanted to blow all my money on drugs.I was minding my own business.

I remember one particular morning waking up with blood all over my pillow after being beaten up (again) in a bar fight. I heard my mother crying in the other room.I wanted to go to her and hold her and tell her I would never drink again but I had made that promise before. I never forgot that feeling of shame and remorse. She had washed the blood off my clothes so many times before and I never did understand where her strength came from, but she had long since given up on asking her son to stop destroying himself.

Yes I saw the pain in my mother's eyes........

I would cry with the sheer remorse for what I was doing to myself and loved ones. I would be so sick sometimes from drugs and alcohol, I felt I would surely die and would even swear on the Bible never to drink again if God would just get me through the day but before night had fallen the urge to drink was so intense that all bets were off.

I never intentionally meant to hurt my family and I felt a lot of guilt about that but sometimes too I also felt angry at them for MAKING me feel guilty. Yeah crazy, I know, but once I was out getting high with my friends nothing seemed to matter,not my family....not God... nothing.

It is hard to describe how powerful that call to use is to someone who has never felt it but at least I hope I gave you a glimpse of what went on in the mind of one addict.

When I used to see the pain, confusion and despair in my mothers eyes I told myself that I will make it up to her. I believed that if I could do a better job of managing my addiction she won’t notice it. I could even tell her I have stopped and I am making the necessary changes in my life to get out the trouble I was constantly in. I thought there must be some way to use liquor and drugs and clean up my life at the same time. I tried my best to convince my mom that drug use had nothing to do with my problems.

In the beginning, my drug use was fun!
The "Cool", Hip thing to do to fit in with the other kids in class...I surely wasn't a brain or a jock...that only left the stoners...
I became pretty good at it.
Then it became a coping mechanism, a way of life.
I never really sold my soul.
I always knew right from wrong.
I hid my drug use from my kids. I encouraged them to "just say no". I was a hypocrite!
I rationalized, I justified...
I told myself that since I was a functional addict...that I was able to hold down a job, pay the bills, keep food on the table.....
that I was no different from a social drinker.
The only difference was that it was against the law, a victim-less crime.
I still believe that it doesn't make you a bad person...although I'm clean now.

I don't like what I am going to write about myself here.

I saw pain in my daughter's eyes. She never asked me to stop but I saw it.

That made me feel pain, guilt, hopelessness. I was already deeply, deparingly full of those feelings.

Pain = pour a drink to cover pain which leads to more pain. It's a viscious circle.

I was so addicted (and always will be) that I used her pain as an excuse to drink!!! Argh. Not feeling too good about that.

Some of us have to be all alone at the end with our drinking or drugs.

God keep me from having a drink today.

Thanks for this thread.

For me I started drinking as a teen to fit in with the other kids. I was very shy in school. A good girl. Never got in trouble in school. Now, I'm a 40 yr old woman that lives like a hermit. I rarely leave the house. My husband is co-dependent and buys my rum or wine and cigarettes every week for me. He also likes to drink but only on the weekends. Sometimes i drink more then him and I'm only 110 pounds soaking wet. We have no children(thank god) i don't think i would be good at it. My mother lives in Texas now and does worry about me. Her father died from alcoholism before i was born. It seems like that alone would scare me , but it hasn't. I did go to AA years ago and had almost 2 yrs of sobriety. Now I have been struggling ever since. I also live with chronic pain(not alcohol related) and I get scared that the pain will get worse if i stop medicating with my alcohol. I know its stupid but that's how i feel sometimes. Since last fall I've been coming on here to read mostly, some posting, hoping something will turn the light on in my head. I read on here not long ago that drinking and having recovery stuff in your head sucks. It's true. It does suck.

Barb

Very important perspectives. I appreciate the honesty. When we know better, we do better.

I don't know SS - I certainly don't want to absolve myself of the responsibilty for the things I did - but these last two months or so sober have been like I just stepped back into the room after 15 years away....I was different as a junkie (mostly booze in my case but no less an addict...pretty much 24/7 when my body and wallet could stand it)

for me, it took a while and it progressed incrementally over the 15 years, but by the end nothing was as important as being drunk or high. Nothing.

D

hey Barb,
just my two cents on the pain thing...don't know what your pain deal is of course, but I have cerebral palsy (spastic) which brings a lot of muscular pain due to my bad posture, a lot of shakes twinges and tics and, to top it off, lately arthritis is beginning in joints put upon, again, by my bad posture...

I used to drink for pain and tic relief too (or at least I told myself that, as one of a dozen or so 'reasons to drink')...

bad news is...after almost two months sober, the pain & stuff's still there...good news...it's not worse, and because I feel so much better in myself for battling this BS and thus far winning, it's actually less of an issue.

just my 2 cents of course, but I think self medicating is always a dangerous road to go down - for anyone - it's never a good idea for someone in pain to have the key to the medicine chest...

best of luck - keep reading and posting..hope that light kicks in !
D

For me, being an Alcoholic isn't something I have to tell myself that I am...it just "is".
It is a part of who I am and I accept it, am I proud...no, but I am not ashamed either, it just a part of me like my curly hair!!! What I tell myself when I look in the mirror each day is...."Wow, who knew that your eyes could look so clear!"...then I tell my higher power thank you for another day (each morning and evening, everyday)....Acceptance is a huge part of my recovery!!


Cathy

My boyfriend is a meth user, he is 48 years old, lives with his mom (better yet, lives off his mom) won't work, depends on everyone else to do for him what he should be doing for himself, I just took him back to his moms tonight, he's mad because I went to work today and left him "stranded" at my house, he's also mad because I confronted him about pulling a big bag of dope out of his pocket and showing it to my friend the first time he met her acouple weeks ago, had to hear the story of, "who do you believe her or me I'm the your suppose to love " etc. etc. then it was "don't call me or talk to me again" followed by a quiet trip to town to his moms, I didn't say one word to him, when we got there I got a kiss and a see ya later. I won't here from him for a few days cause he needs his dope now. I'm still waiting for his brother to call me to see if the rest of the family will go along with us on a intervention, if they wait much longer it will be to late I think, he's been doing some pretty stupid stuff. prayers to all.

That's the way I feel about my exAH....he pretty-much looks the same,but..... "the lights are on but no one (at least not "him") is home"

Thanks for sharing your E,S,and H....it helps!

First of all, I'm assuming your questions are concerning the thoughts (or mindset) of an addict that is still using or in "active addiction" and is fully aware that they are one (an addict). I think what needs to be understood is that there is very much more that happens before that point is reached.

In the beginning, using is fun. Getting high is often a means for obtaining acceptance from our peers. We just want to fit in - usually with the wrong crowd. ("Everybody's doing it!") Sometimes it happens as a result of experimentation and we end up liking the sense of euphoria, relaxation and escape the high provides. That's when the problem starts because once we enjoy the result, we do it more and more often. It become a habit, a ritual... a part of our everyday existence. What we think about ourselves at this point is that we're just having fun and enjoying being young. We think we're "normal." Being normal requires no justification or explanation.

As our addiction progresses and we begin to experience consequences of our using, most of us fail to see our part in our problems. Denial doesn't allow it. We may even ask ourselves, "Could it be the drugs?" But, more times than not, we'll find something else to blame our problems on. I blamed my friends, my teachers, my co-workers, my upbringing (including my mother). I couldn't accept being an addict and refused to see myself as equal to the preconceived image of what an addict was (or is). Society paints such an ugly picture of the addict, and we buy into that. So if we don't remotely resemble that picture, we stay in denial. It's easier. My thoughts during this period was that everybody is trying to control my life. Why don't they just leave me alone???!!!???

By the time I know I have a problem it almost too late to feel for anyone else. I'm caught in the grip of my addiction and my primary concern is to feed my obsession. The thoughts I have for myself at this point are a mixture of depression, hopelessness, helplessness, fear, self-pity, shame, guilt, anger and resenment. There is no need to justify my actions because I'm out of control...I can't stop if I wanted to. I could even look in my mother's eyes at the end of my road... too ashamed. And when I did, all I could see was hurt and fear. Her pain caused me more pain and the only way to escape was to use again. Her fear caused me to run. I wanted to die but didn't have the balls to kill myself. I used to forget my pain and the pain I caused to others. In the end, I lost the ability to feel.

Many days and nights I would think, "Momma I'm so sorry. Momma I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sick and I just don't know what to do. If I could make things better...I would....but I can't!!"

It was only when the pain of living addicted became so great that I became willing to accept the help offered. It was only after I exhausted every attempt to control my addiction that I became willing to surrender. Through pain I became obedient and humbled. With almost 9 years clean, I realize that the scars caused by my self-centered actions and beliefs may never go away. Yet, I'm grateful that the wounds aren't open and are healing. As I recover, my family and friends recover too. I'm living proof (and many others) that recovery is possible and as long as the spark of life exists, there's hope.

Be blessed,
GarryW

WoW Garry W that was an amazing post. I am A pathologist so I understand physiology + neurology. I do comprehend the addicted brain, but not the mindset. Because of an addicted son, nephew in recovery dealing with the wreckage of his past, kids of friends addicted and teens that I work with abusing substances,it is of interest to me. Your post spells it out.

Quoted GarryW
It was only when the pain of living addicted became so great that I became willing to accept the help offered. It was only after I exhausted every attempt to control my addiction that I became willing to surrender. Through pain I became obedient and humbled. With almost 9 years clean, I realize that the scars caused by my self-centered actions and beliefs may never go away. Yet, I'm grateful that the wounds aren't open and are healing. As I recover, my family and friends recover too. I'm living proof (and many others) that recovery is possible and as long as the spark of life exists, there's hope.


ThanksGarry for being so honest. I am still waiting for my sister to reach this point. It has been 20 yrs for her. Did you ask for help or did someone come when you were ready?

Another "thanks" to you Gary W.; my AH (of almost 30 yrs) just divorced me becuase he is still not ready to stop drinking/controlling (he is still "functioning"). This helps me alot;thank you for sharing and I am happy for you and your family. I wish you continued success.

I, too, was a "functioning addict" and didn't realize how bad I had become addicted until I was 38 years old. I knew I had to do something about my problem before it got any worse, so I volunteered to go to rehab (1985). I successfuly completed that 28 day program and "graduated" with honors (hehehe). Needless to say...I learned nothing while I was there except to blame my situation on my friends and that ONE drug. The "people, places and things" stuff, you know? Boy, did I have it confused. I got out and bought an expensive new car, jewelry and proceeded to become a "recovery evangelist" - preaching to anyone who would listen about how they should change their lives and become great like me.

It wasn't long before I was drinking again and hanging out in clubs. I managed to accomplish some personal goals (college graduate, home, money) while abstaining from old friends and the hard stuff, but I never addressed the "inside stuff" that recovery is all about. It took almost 9 years before I returned to my original drug of choice and once I did it, I knew I was in trouble. The first to notice my drastic change in personality was family members and co-workers. Because I had sought help before, I wasn't afraid to reach out again. So it was sort of a combination of others being concerned and fear of losing control that prompted me getting help.

I must say that it wasn't easy. Between 1994 and 1998, I went through 7 inpatient programs, 3 outpatient programs, the geographical change and losing the job I had worked on for 20 years. I did things I swore I'd never do and I experienced depths I never imagined. With each relapse, my addiction got worse and worse. I sold things from my home, I commited crimes, and I binged for weeks at a time. Had it not been for my dear mother, a dedicated counselor, and a very close friend...I'd probably be dead. They stuck by my side through it all because they knew I was sick.

Today, my mother is 79 years old. I almost cried when I wrote my original response to this thread because I haven't forgotten those days. She calls me her "hero" and I call her mine. My best friend and I are still very close and we can laugh about some of my past behaviors. I'll close by saying that help is all around us, we simply have to be willing to receive it. Recovery is for those who want it and we have to want it really, really bad.

TFLMS

GarryW,
Hope you don't mind, I printed your post to show to my bf, when the time is right,never know when or why he's going to blow up, he's like another person than the one I met.
thanks. ebv

Spiritual Seeker, your post expresses the same concern and curiosity I have for my brother. It is great to be able to get some honest responses from those that have been down the road. I appreciate it too. Thanks to all of you.

I posted the following on another forum today, but think it may fit in here, and would like to know others responses--does it ring true, etc..?

Hi.

I'm new here. I've been trying to help my brother for years. He is addicted to alcohol. There is so much contradictory information about addiction, that it is hard for me to know how to best help. Here's what I believe is true:

1. Addicts use at any given time because they believe their experience while high is preferrable to the experience while not high. For some it is because they are normally depressed, agitated, sad, etc.. For others it is because they love the rush and excitement of the drug. For most, it is some combination. The reasons for use may change over time as their own brain chemistry changes, as well as their life circumstances.

2. Addicts will go to great lengths to protect and continue in their addiction because they strongly prefer using over not using.

3. Many things contribute to deciding to stop using, and they differ for different people. These things are the same in principle to why people stop any behavior, but in general they boil down to this: Pain or less pleasure from the drug itself, pain or less pleasure from the consequences of using. Many things can contribute to this, including suddenly finding better alternatives.

4. Craving is nothing more than the mind associating using with pleasure or relief from pain. Therefore, anything that changes one's thinking--whether that be a new environment certain drugs, new activities, new uses of the body (changes in sensations affects our thinking)--ie eating, sleep, exercise, etc.., or using techiques to think differently--affect the level of craving.

5. Denial, while often powerful, is simply human nature: We all deny or minimize the negative effects of things we enjoy or prefer.



I have less conviction on why one person becomes an addict--ie use becomes persistent and long term--and another doesn't, but I think any of the following factors may play a role:

1. Deep seated beliefs which produce unhappiness/pain, which the drugs relieve. For as long as the beliefs continue the drug maintains an allure. These beliefs are primarily about one's inability to achieve a state or condition in life they find critical to their happiness.

2. Chronic physical pain relieved by drugs.

3. The failure to find an alternative which is as effective, or the lack of faith that a better alternative exists.

4. Genetics may play a role in creating a state of mind which drugs help relieve



Based on the above, it seems to me that the best way to try and help my brother would be to openly discuss what the experience of drinking means to him--what he feels like when he drinks, what cravings are like for him, how his experience compares to alternatives, and how alcohol fits into his philosophy about what he believes makes a person happy, and to share my thoughts--which will differ from his--on these issues.


My questions here are:

1. Do my beliefs above seem accurate to you all?

2. How can I get my brother to open up more? Unfortunately, my brother would prefer to not discuss his drinking even though it seems to be the most important thing in his life. I think he has some guilt about it, and maybe some anger or resentment toward me since I've tried to talk him into quitting in the past.

Thanks,

ted

I see the pain in my mothers (and father's) eyes. I try to justify my drinking to them and hope they put up with me, and they DO! But it makes them sad, and I WANT more than anything to be rid of this disease, but it's so hard!!!!!!!!! not into drugs, but I'm an alcoholic. Well actually I cant lie, I do smoke the occasional joint, but thats not really my bag. I love beer and the feeling it gives me, and I say F*** it, and keep going back. Doesnt matter who I hurt. I wish you werent going through this pain, and I'll say a prayer for you Son to WANT to quit what he is doing to himself and to you. It's all up to him though babe. Please g to a support group, it will help you understand the way we think. Hugs

ebv, I don't mind you sharing what I wrote. One of the things we addicts in recovery strive for is to help other suffering addicts. If my words can help in any way, please feel free to use them.

Ted, I also have two brothers that are actively using. Neither willingly refers to themselves as addicts. Their addictions haven't taken them to the extremes my own did, and as long as they can remain functioning, they'll probably continue to use. I've exposed both to 12 step recovery and meetings and both see it as an unattractive and unneeded. In Narcotics Anonymous, we learn that we can only carry the message that recovery is possible to those who are willing to receive it. We also acknowledge that an addict that doesn't want to stop using will not stop using. They can be preached to, counseled, incarcerated, prayed over, beaten, analyzed, reasoned with and threatened...they will not stop until they are ready to. The best way to help a person seeking recovery is to be available for them when they become willing. The key is that they have to seek the help...not have it forced upon them.

I agree that there's almost unlimited information out there about addicts and addiction, but needs to be understood is that much of that information is misleading. Sadly, in these days, many treatment facilities, recovery programs and so-called chemical dependency professionals are in the business of making money and selling what they have to offer as bonafide. This could explain why much of the information conflicts with one another.

Although you're entitled to believe whatever you do, there are a few points you made that I'd like to add food for thought on:

There is a major difference between a user, an abuser and an addict. Users and abusers have choice and preference, addicts don't. Once one becomes addicted to a substance, using said substance isn't optional...it's required. An addict who is in active addiction needs no logic, reason or belief to use. The disease of addiction is made up of 3 components (or factors): obsession, compulsion & total self-centeredness. Obsession is the mental preoccupation, or "fixed idea" of getting and using. Some even refer to it as a mental disease. Compulsion is the inability to stop using once one has started. And total self-centeredness piece is lacking the ability to see anything other than what is desired. In NA, self-centeredness is referred to as the spiritual aspect because we lose the ability to feel (for ourselves or others).

Once again, it was my experience to not have a choice or preference by the time I became addicted. Many recovering addicts will testify that they continued to use while having an overwhelming "preference" to NOT use. What I stress here is that loss of control is uniformly common amongst addicts, and although we may have gone to great lengths to keep protected and facilitate our using, the reasoning generally isn't about choice or preference. We used to live and lived to use, and were totally unmanageable.

I'm not sure how you're asserting that drugs cause pain. Withdrawal from drugs can cause pain, I understand that fully well. Receiving less pleasure only results in using a higher dosage or combining drugs to achieve a desired effect. I'm also unsure how consequences can provide pleasure of any kind, let alone "less pleasure." Acquiring a desire to stop using generally requires an addict to experience what is called a "bottom." This can differ from addict to addict and sometimes it can be something as simple as the loss of a job or relationship. The degree of sickness varies from addict to addict and often it runs parallel with their drug of choice or the extremes to which their addiction has taken them. Withdrawal for a crack addict or pothead isn't the same as for an alcoholic or heroin addict.

The same applies here: cravings depend on the addict and their drug of choice. So we're in agreement except about the environment part because cravings can go far beyond being solely a mental thing...they can have physical aspects as well.

My opinion is that you cannot get him to open up. If he wanted to discuss his addiction with you, he would. Your conclusions about why he doesn't may be on point, but on the other hand - he may just not be ready and nothing you can do can make him ready. I feel the best you can do is ensure that he knows that you love him and will be there for him when he decides to open up. He'll remember and appreciate it when the time comes.

tflms