Spiritual Seeker

I don't know how it is to be an addict. What thoughts do you have about yourself when you know you are one. What do you tell yourself to justify your actions. What does it feel like to see the pain in your mother's eyes? I am just trying to understand the mind of an addict because my son is one and I just don't understand it. Thanks for any insight.

carl250r

well when you are realy into getting high all the time, i have found that you don't realy have that high of standards for your self.

me personaly i never realy give a ____ about most other people around me, and i am talking about before or after using drugs. my standards are not as high as most peoples for allot of things. i am not some guy with a overly high ego and self image. and i do what I want to. and if it feels good do it.

doing drugs only sucks when you run out of them,or do to much of them,or cant do them anymore.So for the user with my low standards , and compramised morals it is not that bad to get high and get high all the time for me, and if anyone is trying to stop me i will just lie to them ,and if some one is realy in my face about it,even my own mother eye to eye in my face,i will not realy be seeing anything,I will be feeling rage. angry crazy rage. get the #$%# out of my way rage.

I don't give a %$## who wants me to stop doing drugs if i want some drugs i will get some drugs. no one can stop me from doing anything i want to do. only i can stop doing drugs and only i can start doing drugs.

tryingtolive

I have much pride and self respect. But addiction seems to drowned all of that out.

My thoughts are this, I know I can do so much good in this world and live a happy life.....if only I could stop using. And I haven't yet but I think about it all the time. And I have support from my family. I hate being fake and lying to the only people who really care about me, but it happens. Believe me, your son is not a bad person! He just sounds like he needs help and support and he obvioulsy has a great mother.

Spiritual Seeker

Carl250r & Tryingtolive, thanks for the insight. And thanks for your honesty which I have been told is in short supply for and addict. Obviously,The addicted mind views the world differenty.

Spiritual Seeker

Can anyone else chime in with their insights on this topic ?

laurie6781

You know what SS? I drank and used for 24 years. My folks tried to help me, but finally in Jan 1979 said "NO MORE, if you call us we will hang up and if you come to the door it will be closed in your face, (and they did) this is your problem not ours, deal with it."

My first thought was "well p*** on you." My second thought was "f**** it."

You see my sole focus was alcohol and drugs. How much I had left, where I was going to get more, and how I was going to get more.

Alcohol and drugs toward the end had become my MASTER. I was too numb to hear the hurt or to see the hurt.

I also have to tell you that it took another 2 1/2 years before my afflictions finally brought me to my knees, and the last 1 1/2 years were lived on the streets of Hollyweird.

Yes, as my log in names shows, I got sober and clean 6-7-81. Now if I could do it so can your son, but he has to want it first.

It took years into recovery to build a relationship with my folks but it happened and it was a good one.

It has nothing to do with you SS. It has to do with your addict son being ADDICTED to his MASTER.

Please go to your meetings, take care of YOU, set your boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Know that his HP is watching over him, but also know that HP will not do anything until son asks for help.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers that his awakening comes soon.

Love and hugs,

CarolD

I do hope you are attending a support group for yourself.

Blessings to you and your family

CarolD

Here is an interesting link on brain and addiction

http://www.alcohol-drug.com/neuropsych.htm

Blessings

tyler

Hi, I'm Tyler and I'm definately and addict!! This is an article Morning Glory (one of the forum mods) posted in the Secular Connections forum. It was like looking in the mirror for me. I can't speak for other addicts, but it described my thoughts and feelings to a tee. Here's the link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-dilemna.html

Spiritual Seeker

Thanks Tyler for the good link

Peter

Mostly I used to tell myself that I worked my ass off and I deseved some R&R at the end of the day. Heck I worked hard for my money, it's not as if I beg, borrow or steal it.

So what if I wanted to blow all my money on drugs.I was minding my own business.

I remember one particular morning waking up with blood all over my pillow after being beaten up (again) in a bar fight. I heard my mother crying in the other room.I wanted to go to her and hold her and tell her I would never drink again but I had made that promise before. I never forgot that feeling of shame and remorse. She had washed the blood off my clothes so many times before and I never did understand where her strength came from, but she had long since given up on asking her son to stop destroying himself.

Yes I saw the pain in my mother's eyes........

I would cry with the sheer remorse for what I was doing to myself and loved ones. I would be so sick sometimes from drugs and alcohol, I felt I would surely die and would even swear on the Bible never to drink again if God would just get me through the day but before night had fallen the urge to drink was so intense that all bets were off.

I never intentionally meant to hurt my family and I felt a lot of guilt about that but sometimes too I also felt angry at them for MAKING me feel guilty. Yeah crazy, I know, but once I was out getting high with my friends nothing seemed to matter,not my family....not God... nothing.

It is hard to describe how powerful that call to use is to someone who has never felt it but at least I hope I gave you a glimpse of what went on in the mind of one addict.

Zencat

When I used to see the pain, confusion and despair in my mothers eyes I told myself that I will make it up to her. I believed that if I could do a better job of managing my addiction she won’t notice it. I could even tell her I have stopped and I am making the necessary changes in my life to get out the trouble I was constantly in. I thought there must be some way to use liquor and drugs and clean up my life at the same time. I tried my best to convince my mom that drug use had nothing to do with my problems.

Cindi R

In the beginning, my drug use was fun!
The "Cool", Hip thing to do to fit in with the other kids in class...I surely wasn't a brain or a jock...that only left the stoners...
I became pretty good at it.
Then it became a coping mechanism, a way of life.
I never really sold my soul.
I always knew right from wrong.
I hid my drug use from my kids. I encouraged them to "just say no". I was a hypocrite!
I rationalized, I justified...
I told myself that since I was a functional addict...that I was able to hold down a job, pay the bills, keep food on the table.....
that I was no different from a social drinker.
The only difference was that it was against the law, a victim-less crime.
I still believe that it doesn't make you a bad person...although I'm clean now.

Pilgrim

I don't like what I am going to write about myself here.

I saw pain in my daughter's eyes. She never asked me to stop but I saw it.

That made me feel pain, guilt, hopelessness. I was already deeply, deparingly full of those feelings.

Pain = pour a drink to cover pain which leads to more pain. It's a viscious circle.

I was so addicted (and always will be) that I used her pain as an excuse to drink!!! Argh. Not feeling too good about that.

Some of us have to be all alone at the end with our drinking or drugs.

God keep me from having a drink today.

Thanks for this thread.

scaredykat

For me I started drinking as a teen to fit in with the other kids. I was very shy in school. A good girl. Never got in trouble in school. Now, I'm a 40 yr old woman that lives like a hermit. I rarely leave the house. My husband is co-dependent and buys my rum or wine and cigarettes every week for me. He also likes to drink but only on the weekends. Sometimes i drink more then him and I'm only 110 pounds soaking wet. We have no children(thank god) i don't think i would be good at it. My mother lives in Texas now and does worry about me. Her father died from alcoholism before i was born. It seems like that alone would scare me , but it hasn't. I did go to AA years ago and had almost 2 yrs of sobriety. Now I have been struggling ever since. I also live with chronic pain(not alcohol related) and I get scared that the pain will get worse if i stop medicating with my alcohol. I know its stupid but that's how i feel sometimes. Since last fall I've been coming on here to read mostly, some posting, hoping something will turn the light on in my head. I read on here not long ago that drinking and having recovery stuff in your head sucks. It's true. It does suck.

Barb

Spiritual Seeker

Very important perspectives. I appreciate the honesty. When we know better, we do better.

Dee74

I don't know SS - I certainly don't want to absolve myself of the responsibilty for the things I did - but these last two months or so sober have been like I just stepped back into the room after 15 years away....I was different as a junkie (mostly booze in my case but no less an addict...pretty much 24/7 when my body and wallet could stand it)

for me, it took a while and it progressed incrementally over the 15 years, but by the end nothing was as important as being drunk or high. Nothing.

D

Dee74

hey Barb,
just my two cents on the pain thing...don't know what your pain deal is of course, but I have cerebral palsy (spastic) which brings a lot of muscular pain due to my bad posture, a lot of shakes twinges and tics and, to top it off, lately arthritis is beginning in joints put upon, again, by my bad posture...

I used to drink for pain and tic relief too (or at least I told myself that, as one of a dozen or so 'reasons to drink')...

bad news is...after almost two months sober, the pain & stuff's still there...good news...it's not worse, and because I feel so much better in myself for battling this BS and thus far winning, it's actually less of an issue.

just my 2 cents of course, but I think self medicating is always a dangerous road to go down - for anyone - it's never a good idea for someone in pain to have the key to the medicine chest...

best of luck - keep reading and posting..hope that light kicks in !
D

Surlyredhead

For me, being an Alcoholic isn't something I have to tell myself that I am...it just "is".
It is a part of who I am and I accept it, am I proud...no, but I am not ashamed either, it just a part of me like my curly hair!!! What I tell myself when I look in the mirror each day is...."Wow, who knew that your eyes could look so clear!"...then I tell my higher power thank you for another day (each morning and evening, everyday)....Acceptance is a huge part of my recovery!!


Cathy

ebv

My boyfriend is a meth user, he is 48 years old, lives with his mom (better yet, lives off his mom) won't work, depends on everyone else to do for him what he should be doing for himself, I just took him back to his moms tonight, he's mad because I went to work today and left him "stranded" at my house, he's also mad because I confronted him about pulling a big bag of dope out of his pocket and showing it to my friend the first time he met her acouple weeks ago, had to hear the story of, "who do you believe her or me I'm the your suppose to love " etc. etc. then it was "don't call me or talk to me again" followed by a quiet trip to town to his moms, I didn't say one word to him, when we got there I got a kiss and a see ya later. I won't here from him for a few days cause he needs his dope now. I'm still waiting for his brother to call me to see if the rest of the family will go along with us on a intervention, if they wait much longer it will be to late I think, he's been doing some pretty stupid stuff. prayers to all.