I am sure you are right, at least for quite some time to come anyway. The proof is in the pudding, each time I have tried to have just a drink or two I suffered dire consequences within a couple of days that lasted for a few weeks. Even right after consumption I do not get the effect I use to from it. It is like the brain has been rewired and the pleasure aspect is no longer functional, so what is the point? I never was a serious drinker anyway, but I do miss the ability to have a couple with the buds on the weekends. At this point I have accepted the fact that I cannot indulge and I leave it alone. I hope that some day I will again be able to have one now and then, but it certainly is not of importance to me.
The pain meds I take for just that, pain. I do not get the “pleasure” effect I use to from them either, not since coming off the tranqs. Instead both these and alcohol bring back a mini version of the hell I endured coming off the tranqs, especially the alcohol. What got me into this mess in the first place was an injury leaving me disabled and in constant pain. At this point I do my best to manage the pain mentally, but I do take ibuprofen or naproxen regularly (regularly being a few times a week). However, on those few occasions when I over do it and the pain becomes intolerable I do resort to taking an Ultram or Vicodin, but again when I do I pay the price in a big way the next day or two and I know this, so more often than not I refuse to give in.
Because of the above I can’t argue with your point, Moontime, that the only way to stay in recovery is to be totally abstinent. Even so it kind of bugs me that the word “recovery” is used in my case being I never really abused the pills, not intentionally anyway, but instead trusted the docs and took them as prescribed. I am sure I am not the first person to make this statement and I do accept the fact that I am the responsible one here. After all, the doc was not there shoving them down my throat every day, but at the time I did believe I was doing what was advised.
Now mixing them with alcohol, that of course I knew was not advisable and at first I rarely did, but eventually I found myself doing so more frequently. What I didn’t realize at the time was I was in a tolerance state and was compensating. Once I did recognize this I cold turkeyed everything. This is when I came to the cruel realization that I was dependant on the tranqs as I had already stopped taking the pain meds for the most part by this time, but was still taking the tranqs for sleep every night and occasionally during the day for anxiety (which I now know was part of the tolerance). Then and there I stopped the drink completely, reinstated the tranqs on as low a dose as tolerable and became determined to free myself via a taper, and succeeded, having not taken one since 1/2004.
That said I admit to myself I am in recovery, no question there and I mean no insult to anyone and hope none is taken. I guess I just see it as, it was not an intentional misuse, (which I am sure there are others who feel the same way), nor did I think it would have lasted this long or kept me from having the occasional cocktail this far out, but it does and I accept this.
My goal in joining this fourm is to see if there are others here who may have/are going through something similar as I and if so whether or not they too were/are still suffering like I am at nearly 3 years off. I would have thought that by now that I would at least be able to enjoy life on a daily basis, even if that meant in sobriety. If staying totally abstinent is the key I haven’t a problem with that. This is a small price for happiness, but at this point I am beginning to feel that I have sustained some permanent damage and may never view or feel the world around me as I once did. By posting and reading I was hoping to either confirm my fears or better yet hear from others that in time I will see some more improvements so that I can come to terms either way.