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Still Struggling

Old 07-25-2006, 12:27 PM
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Still Struggling

I am a new member just over 30 months clean of tranquilizers and anti depressants. I still take an occasional vicodin or equivalent for intolerable pain, but very infrequently and even then I pay the price the following day or so with a reoccurrence of some deep depression.

Having taken the tranqs and pain meds for several years straight, frequently flushing them down with spirits, I found myself not enjoying where I was and felt a desire to have my feet firmly planted on the ground again. Trying to cold turkey everything I lost touch with what little reality I had a hold of and nearly took my own life so I went back on the tranqs and did a successful slow taper (much more advisable).

Even so, at thirty plus months off I am still having a hard go of it much of the time. Some days the clarity is pretty damn good, but most days the head is thick, heated and sluggish. Mornings are the worst with the late evenings being the best part of most days. If I wake feeling good I know the rest of the day will more than likely be just as good if not better, but if I wake feeling like an armadillo pizza on a barren desert road, (which happens more often than not), the rest of the day will more than likely follow suit, slowly clearing by nightfall. There is no rhyme or reason to what determines how I will wake for the most part aside from trying to have an occasional cocktail or taking that pain pill I mentioned above, both of which in the past 2-3 years I can count how many times I have tried by the number of fingers on one hand. Be so infrequent I hold reservations that this would be a cause for my still struggling this far out.

I realize this is a sobriety forum. I am not condoning the use of alcohol or drugs, nor am I naive enough to think that I am any different than anyone else. We all feel we have our limits I suppose. Prior to the tranqs I always felt I was in control being able to walk away from any type of substance anytime I chose, for as long as I chose, but the grasp of the tranquilizers, something I had never tangled with with any regularity until a few years ago, has proved to be far stronger than anything in my past and has left me susceptible to major repercussion should I try any and all substances of my prior existence. For this reason I have little choice but to put it all behind me and to try and be happy with the fact that I am still alive holding hope that maybe one day I can be content with just being sober.

That’s me in a gunny sack. This is quite the large forum and I find it a bit overwhelming at first glance. Reading anything larger than a Mother Goose nursery rhyme I find is very difficult in my present state. Judging from what I have written, if someone could direct me to an area where they feel might be of assistance and interest to me this would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-25-2006, 01:31 PM
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The only way that I've been known to fully be in recovery is to be completely abstinent for all mind or mood altering drugs. This is what works for me, as well as the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship. I've learned it's more than the drugs it's a disease of destruction, low-self esteem, self-destructive patterns, inadequecies, among other negative things. I turn my will and my life over to a Positive Power and my life has never been the same. I used to struggle but my struggles are nothing today. I hope you give yourself a break from all drugs and try something different.
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Old 07-26-2006, 05:41 PM
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I am sure you are right, at least for quite some time to come anyway. The proof is in the pudding, each time I have tried to have just a drink or two I suffered dire consequences within a couple of days that lasted for a few weeks. Even right after consumption I do not get the effect I use to from it. It is like the brain has been rewired and the pleasure aspect is no longer functional, so what is the point? I never was a serious drinker anyway, but I do miss the ability to have a couple with the buds on the weekends. At this point I have accepted the fact that I cannot indulge and I leave it alone. I hope that some day I will again be able to have one now and then, but it certainly is not of importance to me.

The pain meds I take for just that, pain. I do not get the “pleasure” effect I use to from them either, not since coming off the tranqs. Instead both these and alcohol bring back a mini version of the hell I endured coming off the tranqs, especially the alcohol. What got me into this mess in the first place was an injury leaving me disabled and in constant pain. At this point I do my best to manage the pain mentally, but I do take ibuprofen or naproxen regularly (regularly being a few times a week). However, on those few occasions when I over do it and the pain becomes intolerable I do resort to taking an Ultram or Vicodin, but again when I do I pay the price in a big way the next day or two and I know this, so more often than not I refuse to give in.

Because of the above I can’t argue with your point, Moontime, that the only way to stay in recovery is to be totally abstinent. Even so it kind of bugs me that the word “recovery” is used in my case being I never really abused the pills, not intentionally anyway, but instead trusted the docs and took them as prescribed. I am sure I am not the first person to make this statement and I do accept the fact that I am the responsible one here. After all, the doc was not there shoving them down my throat every day, but at the time I did believe I was doing what was advised.

Now mixing them with alcohol, that of course I knew was not advisable and at first I rarely did, but eventually I found myself doing so more frequently. What I didn’t realize at the time was I was in a tolerance state and was compensating. Once I did recognize this I cold turkeyed everything. This is when I came to the cruel realization that I was dependant on the tranqs as I had already stopped taking the pain meds for the most part by this time, but was still taking the tranqs for sleep every night and occasionally during the day for anxiety (which I now know was part of the tolerance). Then and there I stopped the drink completely, reinstated the tranqs on as low a dose as tolerable and became determined to free myself via a taper, and succeeded, having not taken one since 1/2004.

That said I admit to myself I am in recovery, no question there and I mean no insult to anyone and hope none is taken. I guess I just see it as, it was not an intentional misuse, (which I am sure there are others who feel the same way), nor did I think it would have lasted this long or kept me from having the occasional cocktail this far out, but it does and I accept this.

My goal in joining this fourm is to see if there are others here who may have/are going through something similar as I and if so whether or not they too were/are still suffering like I am at nearly 3 years off. I would have thought that by now that I would at least be able to enjoy life on a daily basis, even if that meant in sobriety. If staying totally abstinent is the key I haven’t a problem with that. This is a small price for happiness, but at this point I am beginning to feel that I have sustained some permanent damage and may never view or feel the world around me as I once did. By posting and reading I was hoping to either confirm my fears or better yet hear from others that in time I will see some more improvements so that I can come to terms either way.
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Old 07-26-2006, 05:52 PM
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Welcome to SR, Asylum101.

I know there are others here who can relate to your story. They will be along shortly, I'm sure.

In the meantime, have you read about PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome? That's what jumped out at me when I read your posts. Here is a link to get some information. You may also Google the term or search SR for more.

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Glad you found us. SR is a great place for information and support!
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Old 07-27-2006, 09:37 AM
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Thank You, Phinny, for the link. It does shed some light, not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but the truth hurts sometimes doesn't it? That just confirms what Moontime, SweetNuff, and I am sure what everyone else will be telling me, that I need to practice TOTAL abstinence.

I like this explanation Sweetnuff, "Your addiction doesn't know what you are taking, it just knows it's being fed."

So I read on the PAW link that even caffeine should be avoided. I rarely drink anything with caffeine in it because it use to agitate the hell out of me when first off the tranqs, but recently I seem to be able to have a cola or a cup of coffee without major repercussions and I am sleeping well, (sometimes too well ). Am I just fooling myself here as well? Is the caffeine keeping me from reaching my goal of letting the brain heal?
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Old 07-27-2006, 10:53 AM
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10 years is not what I want to hear either (I read that on the PAW site too). I was doing much better last summer than I am this summer, and this past winter SUCKED! where the winter before I was doing half way decent.

I hate the word "addiction". Not upset that you are using it mind you, it is a reality and I accept this, but I have always associated that word with something you crave psychologically. I never craved the tranqs, or anything else for that matter (cept sex maybe), at least not in the ol jonsin' aspect. I actually hated them after while, but needed them to stay stable, so in that aspect I guess the word fits, just don't like it. I have always used the word Dependant, (like there is a difference, right?).

Oh well, time to wake up and smell the coffee I guess, (pun intended). Just wish these mornings would clear up, (he says at near 2pm ), and I could concentrate and function better. Never did I ever dream I would wish for how I felt a year ago.
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Old 07-27-2006, 04:41 PM
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I echo what SweetNuff said about the caffeine. I strill drink coffee and diet pop, but have switched to little or no caffeine. It seems my body has become really sensitive to it since starting recovery.

Getting good info on PAWS was very empowering for me. I didn't feel like I was going crazy anymore. For me, the worst of it was over after a year and after that I only experienced memory loss and brain fogginess periodically - so, it does get better.

It's not important WHAT you call yourself, Asylum101, just that you change old behaviours and thinking, which it sounds like you are doing. One thing I did learn in recovery, though, is a drug is a drug is a drug. I doesn't matter that I got my drugs from a medical Dr. and the person sitting next to me got their's from the crack dealer downtown - the effect of both drugs are the same.

Glad you're here! Keep reading and posting, k?

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Old 07-27-2006, 06:12 PM
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Thank you so much for your replies. That website and your input really has me thinking now. Prior to my injury that happened about 6 years ago I was an occasional to moderate drinker and pot smoker as well as consumed about 6 cups of coffee a day at work and caffeinated sodas. I have since given up the pot and now rarely consume caffeine. As I have said before I have tried a couple alcohol drinks say 6 different times in the past 30 months and have been bitten each time so this is obviously not an option. This all correlates with what you are telling me and what is stated on the PAW site too. This being the case I have no choice but to give up the idea of being able to indulge again any time soon, if ever. Obviously it is hard for me to come to terms with that, can you tell? It is becoming clearer to me though that I have to. I have already given up the thought of getting high anymore, but was hoping to have a drink now and then. Guess I gotta psych myself out for this one too, huh?

Now after that quote from SweetNuff and the info on the site that Phinny gave me I am wondering if the Flexorall the doc gave me about a month ago (which I took for a week and dropped because I felt like a total zombie) has set me back. This is definitely a mood altering drug. Funny thing is 2 days after I stopped taking it I spiked with energy and drive that lasted well over a week and then I crashed again. Though this is nothing like the roller coasters I went through getting off the tranqs it sure is reminiscent of it.

All I want at this point is to feel normal again on a regular basis. As it stands now I feel like crap most days. The odd thing is tomorrow I could wake feeling great and that can go on for 2 days or 2 months with no rhyme or reason that I can decipher, just as it has so many times in the past. This prevents me from working or making any major commitments to speak of and no one understands outside of those who have experienced it themselves. I have lost more than I care to list here from all this crap, as I am sure most of us have in one way or another, but I refuse to let it beat me. hence forth why I am here looking for encouragement.

Thanks again Phinny and SweetNuff, and you too Moontime. May we all stay the on the path and win
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Old 07-27-2006, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Asylum101
May we all stay the on the path and win
Back atcha, Asylum! You're in the right place. Glad you're here!


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