Still Struggling
I am a new member just over 30 months clean of tranquilizers and anti depressants. I still take an occasional vicodin or equivalent for intolerable pain, but very infrequently and even then I pay the price the following day or so with a reoccurrence of some deep depression.
Having taken the tranqs and pain meds for several years straight, frequently flushing them down with spirits, I found myself not enjoying where I was and felt a desire to have my feet firmly planted on the ground again. Trying to cold turkey everything I lost touch with what little reality I had a hold of and nearly took my own life so I went back on the tranqs and did a successful slow taper (much more advisable).
Even so, at thirty plus months off I am still having a hard go of it much of the time. Some days the clarity is pretty damn good, but most days the head is thick, heated and sluggish. Mornings are the worst with the late evenings being the best part of most days. If I wake feeling good I know the rest of the day will more than likely be just as good if not better, but if I wake feeling like an armadillo pizza on a barren desert road, (which happens more often than not), the rest of the day will more than likely follow suit, slowly clearing by nightfall. There is no rhyme or reason to what determines how I will wake for the most part aside from trying to have an occasional cocktail or taking that pain pill I mentioned above, both of which in the past 2-3 years I can count how many times I have tried by the number of fingers on one hand. Be so infrequent I hold reservations that this would be a cause for my still struggling this far out.
I realize this is a sobriety forum. I am not condoning the use of alcohol or drugs, nor am I naive enough to think that I am any different than anyone else. We all feel we have our limits I suppose. Prior to the tranqs I always felt I was in control being able to walk away from any type of substance anytime I chose, for as long as I chose, but the grasp of the tranquilizers, something I had never tangled with with any regularity until a few years ago, has proved to be far stronger than anything in my past and has left me susceptible to major repercussion should I try any and all substances of my prior existence. For this reason I have little choice but to put it all behind me and to try and be happy with the fact that I am still alive holding hope that maybe one day I can be content with just being sober.
That’s me in a gunny sack. This is quite the large forum and I find it a bit overwhelming at first glance. Reading anything larger than a Mother Goose nursery rhyme I find is very difficult in my present state. Judging from what I have written, if someone could direct me to an area where they feel might be of assistance and interest to me this would be greatly appreciated.