well, what I was looking to do was admit I have a problem that I can't fix by myself. Since I am looking for a meeting to go to I thought I would get started here until I get to my first meeting.
And this house saved us from living in the worst neighborhood ever and has changed our lives for the better in so many ways. I worked for two years to get in here and I'm sorry that all you can see when you look at that is all that hard work going to benefit a drunk.
I thought that people here would understand the struggle I experienced with forgiving him, believing his lies, taking him back and just NOT KNOWING what I should do. It's hard to give up on him when he does seem to make so many positive changes. It's awesome that he is paying ALL the bills, we are no longer on welfare, and has had the same job for so long...
I was raised with a ridiculously strong belief in marriage and always used to say, "divorce is not an option." Now I realize that sometimes it has to be an option.
Maybe it was easier for me to stay because I would blame my husband's addictions on his childhood - being molested from the age of 5 and up until teen years - and I also blamed myself. I believed this horrible lie that if I could just become the "perfect wife" that he wouldn't be driven to drink...ha!
Was I just venting just now? I don't know!
I thought I was supposed to tell people what I was thinking about so I could get some good counsel from those who have been where I am now and made it through.
My kids have a mother that loves them very much and I'm going to do what I need to do for them.
One thing they will always remember and know is that I have ALWAYS been here for them. They know I love their Dad and we talk openly. I tell them I'm figuring things out. And if and when I seperate from him for good I will help them to understand why it had to be this way and they will know I did all I could to make things work.
My husband didn't leave us until we were a year into habitat and I just didn't want to give up on the dream of a home of our own. I just wanted my kids to have a place to STAY. We had moved so much and all we could afford was a 2 bedroom apt. for our family of six.
I thought I was "enabling" so I gave him two things he had to do in order for me to be able to live with him. A neighbor I have in AA told me that I had to stop trying to control him but that it was okay to have boundaries so I thought I was doing the right thing.
It was just last night I found out that this wasn't going to work. And I'm realizing that I'm going to need real help...and that is hard.
Anyway - I'll try to find some "guidelines for posting"...
I'm just new at this.
