Okay...I'm here.

Old 07-20-2006, 08:14 AM
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Okay...I'm here.

Hi,
I am finally going to see if I can get some help. I've been married for over 11 years and we have four children. I homeschool the kids, just started raising chickens, work on a farm and will be raising two goats starting in October. My husband is going to start working towards his driver's license next month which he lost for three years after his second OUI. We were seperated once - for 9 months - and then he came back when we were moving into our brand new Habitat for Humanity home. It was soon - probably too soon - for me to take him back. He was still drinking but I didn't know that until two weeks later. Things are just so unpredictable.
About the only thing that is predictable is that if I tell someone things are good, we'll have a horrible day or night with him right after. People will ask me how things are going because it is no secret in our community that he left us, I went to the homeless shelter, was on welfare, continued to build the wonderful house we live in now and then we were back together.
When I told him I knew I couldn't make him stop drinking but that I needed him to agree not to drink in the home, we had the usual 2 weeks of that seeming to work and then the hidden alcohol in the house began.
I am tired. I am 32 now and feel like I'm prematurely aging with all this stress sometimes.
There have been some good things. He has held a job - the same job - for over a year now and the pay has been pretty good. He seems to care and comes home now and is just more dependable in general. It's just the fact that he NEEDS to drink and he does NOT see that as a problem. He even told me last night that he tries to drink what he NEEDS before he gets home so that he won't have to drink it here. And the whole point is for him not to be drunk around us - but he just doesn't get it.
The other "boundary" (not sure if I'm even using this term correctly) I tried to set was that I would never be in the car with him again after he had had a drink. More than twice he has tried to grab my steering wheel when angry and he has also scared all of us and done other horrible things in the car. It takes NOTHING to make him angry when he is drinking. I could tell him dinner's ready and he'll freak out.
I stumbled across a chart today about children of alcoholics and it described my four children so well it was scary.
I'm just ready to get some help but it needs to be somewhere the kids can come with me and I'm not sure if there's a meeting like that.
I went to al-anon once and it kinda freaked me out and I felt like I didn't belong.
Well I hope this was a good introduction. This was hard for me because I have been trying to say absolutely nothing that would bash my husband in anyway - just a new habit I wanted to start for myself. I feel that even if he doesn't do anything to deserve it, I want to be the kind of woman and wife that respects her husband. I don't want to talk behind his back! But I also had to tell you who I was and it felt good to let some of this stuff out.
Thanks,
Jen
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:31 AM
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Welcome, Jen, glad you've dived in!

I know what you mean about the meeting. I didn't feel like I fit in at first, either. If you're willing to give it another shot, try another 5-6 meetings before making up your mind. There's a reason that's suggested, as I discovered for myself. :-) There are meetings here that allow you to bring your children, so just ask.

It sounds to me like you are doing a remarkable job. Raising and home schooling four children at 32 is amazing. I also think you're showing a real clear-headedness (if that's a word) about the situation with your husband's drinking.

Please keep posting and, if possible, try another few meetings. You'll get tons of great experience, strength and hope both here and there. Look forward to getting to know you.
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:51 AM
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Jen, just read my posts! We are here to help. Go back to your old resources and maybe they can help you. DO you want him to leave again? If so do it, that is your home right? If he is making it bad make him leave. Be strong and make some calls today. Try and be the Mom you want to be, if he is not going to be the husband he needs to be why should you try to be a good wife. Consintrate on what is good for you and the kids.
After all the crap, is it better without him? I mean when he was gone were YOU better?
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:59 AM
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I'm not quite sure what you are asking Jen?

Your husband is an alcoholic ..... you need help ..... your kids are suffering from his alcohol abuse and your enabling behavior.

Wow, what a nice guy! So he drinks what he needs before he gets home based on your request .... what a prince. Unfortunately you all still suffer the consequences of his drinking, whether he drinks at home or not.

Go back to Al Anon .... do something. Don't you have a neighbor that can watch your kids for an hour? Try doing something pro-active for yourself ... you won't change him or fix him and soon you will be so isolated he will be all you have. Now that thought makes me shudder!
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Old 07-20-2006, 09:16 AM
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I too don't really know what you are looking to get from this forum
aside from a vent.
Can't imagine why on earth you would allow him back in after 9months of
being gone....
I do feel sorry for those children of yours...they are without a doubt suffering as a result of his drinking and selfish behavour.
I must say that I have a problem with the whole Habit of Humanity thing.
My son and his Dad have been "donating" the last 5 summers to this
charity building homes for the very needy...I really hate the thought that
some of their hard work was to benefit a drunk who left his family for 9
months....very disgusting to me.........
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:09 AM
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well, what I was looking to do was admit I have a problem that I can't fix by myself. Since I am looking for a meeting to go to I thought I would get started here until I get to my first meeting.
And this house saved us from living in the worst neighborhood ever and has changed our lives for the better in so many ways. I worked for two years to get in here and I'm sorry that all you can see when you look at that is all that hard work going to benefit a drunk.
I thought that people here would understand the struggle I experienced with forgiving him, believing his lies, taking him back and just NOT KNOWING what I should do. It's hard to give up on him when he does seem to make so many positive changes. It's awesome that he is paying ALL the bills, we are no longer on welfare, and has had the same job for so long...
I was raised with a ridiculously strong belief in marriage and always used to say, "divorce is not an option." Now I realize that sometimes it has to be an option.
Maybe it was easier for me to stay because I would blame my husband's addictions on his childhood - being molested from the age of 5 and up until teen years - and I also blamed myself. I believed this horrible lie that if I could just become the "perfect wife" that he wouldn't be driven to drink...ha!
Was I just venting just now? I don't know!
I thought I was supposed to tell people what I was thinking about so I could get some good counsel from those who have been where I am now and made it through.
My kids have a mother that loves them very much and I'm going to do what I need to do for them.
One thing they will always remember and know is that I have ALWAYS been here for them. They know I love their Dad and we talk openly. I tell them I'm figuring things out. And if and when I seperate from him for good I will help them to understand why it had to be this way and they will know I did all I could to make things work.
My husband didn't leave us until we were a year into habitat and I just didn't want to give up on the dream of a home of our own. I just wanted my kids to have a place to STAY. We had moved so much and all we could afford was a 2 bedroom apt. for our family of six.
I thought I was "enabling" so I gave him two things he had to do in order for me to be able to live with him. A neighbor I have in AA told me that I had to stop trying to control him but that it was okay to have boundaries so I thought I was doing the right thing.
It was just last night I found out that this wasn't going to work. And I'm realizing that I'm going to need real help...and that is hard.

Anyway - I'll try to find some "guidelines for posting"...
I'm just new at this.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:14 AM
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hey jen in me

one good thing about going back to meetings? you'll learn "take what you like and leave the rest." my only suggestion would be not to "leave" in a hurry. a huge part of my recovery was really listening to those things to which i (re)acted defensively. it took time, but it happened. it will happen for you, too.

you hang in there. believe it or not, everything you get here will be supportive in one way or another, even if it's to help you know your own mind.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:17 AM
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Telling him not to drink at home is and isn't a boundary. It is too open for interpretation.

Saying "If you come home drunk or stinking of booze, I will call the police and have you removed" is a boundary. It's clear, it's not subject to interpretation.

Your boundaries are too broad in nature. You need to be more detailed. This is just an example and not one that I think you should give. Maybe others can give you examples of a boundary that might work better for your situation.

Your home at Habitat is supporting a drunk .... he got all the benefits.

His problem will escalate over time, don't doubt that for a minute!
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:19 AM
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Thanks, Denny.
I was actually really already thinking that.
I know I need to face all my wrong decisions and just go from here.
It's just really hard.
Of course I will do my best to be teachable. I think it's the stuff that makes you uncomfortable that is probably what you really need to hear sometimes...so you can get things right.
jen
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:26 AM
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I was pretty sure I didn't really know what a boundary really was. I didn't really see my home as supporting him since he works 12 hours a day to pay for it and is very concerned with sending the money out on time. Maybe just the fact that I got us in here while he was a jobless drunk is what you mean?
It's not like I can take the home away from him or us...it will belong to us no matter what from now on. If he leaves, I have it and vice versa.
I agree that things will get worse again.
The hardest thing is breaking out of this. I'm so used to having that bad night - which is usually way after all the kids are in bed now - and then 2 good weeks, and then that bad night...
it's such a lie.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:29 AM
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Habitat for Humanity...a hugh hot button with me.
The people not only volunteer their time ( in my exhusbands case
it is his vacation time from work) they pay their own way to the
home they will be working on, they pay for all their own expenses.
It is a huge gift being given to people that truely need it.
The idea that people are giving so selflessly for someone (alcoholic)
so selfish........is hard for me to swallow.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:34 AM
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I agree with you Patty .... maybe Habitat should look at their guidelines for needy people.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:37 AM
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I see where you're coming from Patty, but try to remember there is a wife and 4 children who are also benefitting greatly from having a home to live in. And, not only that, the wife is here reaching out for help to get her life on track.

Welcome, Jen. I hope you will stay and read all you can. This site has been a great help to me. (And Patty really does mean well.....)

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Old 07-20-2006, 10:37 AM
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my very thoughts Judy indeed.....something I may look into...
On a side note...I don't think I will convey this story to my son or
his dad.........
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:38 AM
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that reminds me of my sis-in-law.
When they had no money (they have a lot now but her husband used to be a drug dealer and a drunk also) I used to use some of my food stamps to buy them food because I coudln't bear to know my niece had hardly anything to eat. Later on, she told me that she wanted to bring the kids and I some clothes and things but that she thought she shouldn't because then my husband would assume even less responsibility for us.
I don't think he would have noticed and I wished she just hadn't even told me. I guess she wanted credit for caring even though she didn't do anything.
Anyway- you probably shouldn't judge habitat just because MY husband is the way he is. There are a lot of nice families that work really hard for their homes. The kids and I suffering hasn't had much of an effect on him in the past anyway. I don't know. One thing I CAN be happy about is that they have nice rooms and a yard and a place to call home.
Finally something stable - a blessing to count.
Also - I know a few TRULY lazy people that asked me how to get into a house like mine. As soon as they found out all the work involved (we put in way over 400 hours) they were NOT interested. It's not some kind of handout.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:39 AM
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Exactly LTD.....just can't figure out why she would let him back in after
all the hard work was out of the way and life should have begun to
make some sense...somethings I just can't budge on ...
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:41 AM
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Calm your pants for a second, Patty. Are Jen and her kids less deserving of somewhere to live because their husband and father is an alcoholic? I must be missing something here.....

Jen, welcome to SR. I hope you can find some strength here. I know I did and continue to do so.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:44 AM
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because I BELIEVED him. He lied to me and I made a stupid decision.
I should not have done things the way I did them and I know that. Unfortunately, I have not found a 'rewind' button I can use here.
It makes me sick to realize these mistakes I've made.
I thought I was doing the right thing back then. I was a new christian (well I still am) and I thought I should forgive him...
I thought it was the right thing to do.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:46 AM
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I guess you just never saw the face of a teenage boy who just came back from a long trip where he worked his ass off thinking he did something extraordinary for people that were just down on their luck....sorry I don't have a lot of sympathy anymore for anyone that takes back someone A or not to reap the benefits from others hard work and efforts...I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on that as I am very clear on my feeling of this...
I hope the best for you and your children Jen....enjoy your new home.
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:49 AM
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Welcome to SR Jen. I see you've met some of our more "passionate" friends here...

The best advice I ever got when I was were you are now, was to get educated about the disease of alcoholism and the effects on the entire family. I went nuts soaking up all the information I could get my hands on. Not sure if it’s been said yet but there are stickys at the top of the F&F forum and some really good ones in the Nar Anon forum as well.
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