For the Regulars Here
First of all, I bow down deeply and hand you each a long-stemmed red rose and my most gracious appreciation -- in honour of you.
I don't know how you all do it.
I have been here for a few weeks -- I thought I did really well, then I relapsed. Got right back on board, then relapsed. Got right back on board, then relapsed. I don't see a lot of hope for myself right this instant.
Yet, I keep coming here and I keep seeing the "regulars" -- responding to each Newcomer to Recovery, offering inspiration and the same good advice over and over and over again. The Newcomers come and go and you remain.
And I must wonder -- how do you do it? How do you not get depressed at the numbers of newcomers coming every single day? How do you not let yourselves get down at all of those, like me, who fail a hundred thousand times while trying to gain sobriety? I certainly am not giving up thanks to you all, but I am so puzzled by your tenacity, and I wish I had the same thing.
Alcohol is still such a bloody "fun" thing for me, in every sense of the term. Attempting to be an oenophile (sp?) and discovering stuff about different wines. Alcohol and meals. I started "theme nights" at home a while back -- let's say Japan. I made Japanese food, spoke to my kids about Japanese history and customs, encouraged all guests to speak a few words in Japanese. Hung a map. And served the kids juice and the adults Sake. I know the sake didn't "make" the meal, but it was part of the portrait. I'm still not at that place where I can say, screw it. I don't need the damned sake. It is alcoholic and I don't drink. I can't say that. I want to try it, to taste it. Sangria on my Spanish nights. Mojitos when I grill tuna with a Cuban theme.
I'm so sorry - even for writing about drinking specific types of drinks in this venue. I know that doesn't help anyone else. I am very sorry. I'm just a little depressed tonight by the whole topic and by my inability to commit and stay committed.
I feel like AA is not for me but I feel pressured to at least try AA. I am just feeling a little down this evening. (and good Lord, my daughter is watching Futurama in the background and the topic is alcoholism. Is that a sign?)
Thanks for listening and sorry for being a pain in the butt.
Candy Scratch