I guess what i truly find amazing about drinking is that it is a disease. I guess any addiction is a disease, although i only know the term "alcoholism." Not sure what its called for other drugs.
I guess i find it totally amazing, as well, how badly it plagues ones mind, when one cant have their alcohol. What is it really that we are drawn to in having our minds influenced each day, that we become completely incapacitated without it. I mean, i know the habitual effects. Hand to mouth, drinking on something. I have found ice water really helps there. But what has made our minds so focused on one thing. And repeatedly thinking of it, when we know it is harmful and we generally know the outcome? The giddy of the first. The relaxed by the third. The emotions by the fifth. The anger by the sixth. The arguments by the eigth. The puffy eyes from crying when things arent seen your way. The headache in the morning, the achy feet at work and the low energy level, til we fo it again because we have had such a stressful day.
I remember 10 years ago, when drinking was "cool." The next day, you'd get on the phone, sick as all hell and rehash with the friends about who made an ass out of who, who did what, how hungover you were. And this was cool???
I remember telling my mom when i lived four hours from here that i was so hungover, but no worries cause we were going out in a few and the first drink would just take that away. I remember my mom saying that wasnt a good sign, that that was a problem and me brushing her off. How I wish i had listened.
Because after that, If I wasnt drinking, I could literally feel "the need" for a drink in my veins and my heart just pumping away getting excited.
I look back now and get angry, that i too allowed this take over my life and wish that when i announced to my friends at 21 years ols that i was going to aa and had a problem, they would have been supportive, instead of saying it was ok. I was still young. I didnt have a problem. because there are many days now that feel the same way.
Katie, i understand how you are feeling. The fact that you finished a really great book? I read so freakin much that i should open a library out of my head. You should be proud of doing so, because it was a temporary distraction. I hope you had the strength to fight off the stoli and get to a meeting or pizza store or something. And ask yourself: what triggered your "Craving" today. Was it a sugar desire? Slurpees work real well for that. Or was it an emotional craving. Something in your book trigger subconciously something unhappy for you? Or was is out of boredom?
I hope that today turned out ok for you. I hope your strength remained high. And that tomorrow will be a better day.
mertyl
P.s- i would give you all sorts of jumping, dancing smiling characters but i dont know how. So u wil have to use ur imagination.