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Struggling

Old 07-16-2006, 02:58 PM
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Struggling

Since I stopped drinking, I have had tons of energy, and have even felt guilty that I felt so good for the past month, when I was reading other people's posts about how much they were struggling. I got out of work today at 3:00. (It's now 6:00.) I came home, finished reading a really good book, and now I can't help but want to go to the package store and buy a gigantic bottle of Stoli. I have been struggling with my sobreity for the past couple of days, but today has got the best of me. I am so upset and dissappointed that alcoholism has to play such a huge roll in my life. I thnk that at first, I took on sobriety because it was a challene more than anything elsee. Now that I realize that I am in this for the long haul, I am in the "it's not fair that it happened to me" frame of mind. Everyone I know can drink reasonably and responsibly, and for me, I just can't do it. I guess I haven't really gotten the first step. I am pissed that I am powerless over it. I think that's why I want to go buy some vodka...to "prove" somehow that it can't defeat me. I know that must sound strange, but that's how I feel. I feel as depressed as I was a month ago when I realized that I had to stop drinking to STOP being so depressed. What a vicious cycle. It is taking every fiber of my being to not hop in the car and go get a martini at the bar. I would kill for it. I know they say that the cravings come and go, but they are just so damn hard.
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:22 PM
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No Katie, your feelings right now are not strange, you ARE RIGHT ON SCHEUDLE.

So what to do when they come along? Well for me I got my butt up out of the chair, looked at my meeting directory and headed for the nearest meeting. Even if I was early, didn't matter, I helped set up, and I would stay and help put everything away too. Gave me more FELLOWSHIP TIME and the opportunity to get another phone number or two.

And if the cravings hit too late, that's what those phone numbers were for. I would pick up the phone and start calling, just because I couldn't stand it!!!! I do believe the 'cravings' helped me to get Step 1, to the very deepest core of my being. And, the 'cravings' helped to make me willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.

Posting here on SR was a good move on your part, but I have to tell you, those face to face encounters with others in the same boat as I was, sure helped an awful lot. The 'cravings' went right out of my head....

J M H O

Love and (((((to all)))))),
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:29 PM
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Oh Katie, you're probably right, that you thought this would be a challenge and something you could do and so you went for it. And, you did so well. But, now a month later, reality is setting in and it's hard and sure not fun. It's tough to know that alcohol can never be a part of your life, but the upside is living a sober life. Don't get caught up in the mind-game of proving that you can control your drinking. You've come a long way and you can keep right on moving forward. The cravings will lessen and you'll get stronger. Keep posting.
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:39 PM
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Try this...

In early recovery . I timed my cravings.
Mine were 5/7 minutes in duration.
I can overcome most things for that short time!

I took action during that space.
Brushing my teeth...eating a Lifesaver...drinking water
(notice the oral connection?)

The longer I stayed sober they lessened in both frequency and intensity.

Keep going forward...
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:46 PM
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Stay busy and plan for these moments. Plan on what you will do to assure that you will not fall into the trap of drinking again. Read the BB or other books on recovery. Rent a good recovery movie, etc. Hang in there, it really does get easier.
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Old 07-16-2006, 03:57 PM
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Hi ****, sorry to hear your having a tough time at the moment, it will pass.

I struggle somdays aswell, its not so much a why me. Its more go away from me.Things do get easier. Keeping yourself busy during the day is a major thing, so your tierd at the end of the day, or have to be somewhere the next...!

Good Luck Honi and bare with it. Tomorrow is another day...!

hugs...x
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Old 07-16-2006, 04:19 PM
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Ok, I am going to take a shot here, and PLEASE, if i am out of line, feel free to let me know..****, you are doing wonderful..those feelings of cravings are awful..i was stuck in my home for 2 weeks before i finally called AA and got myself to a meeting..i couldn't be a prisoner in my own home..i cried, i wanted to drink so bad, and i was a once a week drinker..but oh, how i thought that was the best day of the week, looked forward to it, but the rest of the week, icky..i spent Tues. laying around because i was tired, i spent Wed. & Thurs. & and Friday beating the heck out of myself because i hated the shame and guilt of what i had done on Monday, and my husband was home on Saturday and Sunday, so it was impossible to drink (he is a recovering alcoholic of 17 yrs)..i hid my drinking..but my Sunday was spent with constant thought of how i was going to get to drink the next day..now that i look back at that..wow, what an awful way to live...3 yrs. ago i tried to quit drinking and found that i was powerless, i couldn't, no matter what i knew would come afterwards..so, i went to my dr..and told all..well, he prescribed me a medication, Naltrexone..or Revia..and what that does is takes your "cravings" away..in the BB they say the you have the cravings once you put it in your body, so it must be the mental part that this medication helps you with, so i took that, and for 3 months, i was sober, not even one desire..but, i did not go to AA, and i worked no program, all i did was put the bottle down, then i quit taking the pills..and as i found out, that didn't work..this time that i quit drinking, AA and the program of Action is a part of my sobriety, but, for the first few weeks, i relied on one those pills occasionally, they seem to work instantly..I don't take them anymore, because i am far enough into my Program of action, that i learn other tools, other resources, like picking up the phone, and going to meetings, and tomorrow i will have a sponsor..I started my program March, 2006, got comfy cozy, and slipped...so now i have 62 days..i lost nothing with that slip, but i have to tell you, it is so awesome having my life back, and not being consumed with the thought of alcohol..or the use of alcohol..i don't reccomend this medication for long use, a dr. won't prescribe it for more than a yr. anyways, because it is better to learn how to keep yourself sober by working your program, and learning to live life on life's terms, and this is OMP..I just know how hard it is, just as the other's do here at SR..and i will keep good thoughts for you and look forward to hearing more about your growth, and your success..life is beautiful through unfogged eyes, that is a guarantee..take care, and best wishes..
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Old 07-16-2006, 08:18 PM
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Your feelings are totally normal ****.

I quit once for about 4 years, and the first two months were the hardest, and then after that it was hard for me on holidays and other days of celebration for the rest of the first year. After that it was hardest on days like my birthday or New Year's Eve, but the rest of the year became easier.

I can relate to that "favorite day of the weeK." My favorite day to drink was Fridays, and now I kind of hate Fridays. I know it will get better with time. It's only been 4 weeks so far this time. Those rough days can really sneak up on ya. You did a great job by coming here and posting!
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Old 07-17-2006, 02:01 AM
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Hi **** Ma,

I don't know how you feel about all the cliche's of AA but some are pretty useful. "This too shall pass" is really true. You won't be stuck with the sad or angry feelings forever. In may case, the feelings come and go MUCH quicker than before. When I was drinking it was constant. When I was trying to cut down, the feelings would last a while and go away when the alcohol got out of my system several days later. Now that I haven't drank in a quite a while, the sad or angry feelings still come but they dissipate pretty quickly.

I hope that you will be able to recognize that your emotions will still be a part of you, but they will loosen their stranglehold on you. The cravings follow the same pattern. Sometimes I feel like I could kill for a drink and have to really work to get past that feeling and other times it's just a fleeting moment. I'm hoping that soon all of the cravings will be fleeting and nearly noticable.
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Old 07-17-2006, 04:00 AM
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Good morning, ****! Hope you got through the night sober and that today is easier! I was suprised that the "waves of temptation" came back, too! Leading into day 50 I was having a pretty easy time, then for several days I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails - that whole week was SOO hard I still don't know how I made it! (Yep, that vodka bottle can still sing a siren song!) Now day 70 for me (10 weeks!) and it's gotten pretty easy again. So just hang in there and soon will come a GOOD wave to lift you up out of the trough and into the sunshine again!
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Old 07-17-2006, 03:02 PM
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((( **** ma ))))

You are gonna have cravings.. The good news is that they will diminish in intensity and WILL disappear entirely. I used "this too will pass" as my mantra during the first few months of sobriety. Your body intensly continues to kick out the toxins during the first few months and that causes a chain reaction that signals to your brain to think about a drink. The syndrome is called P.A.W.S and it's a reality. Just keep busy and you'll be amazed how fast you'll forget about that bottle and pride yourself on avoiding, one more time, the huge disappointment of relapse.
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Old 07-17-2006, 04:45 PM
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I guess what i truly find amazing about drinking is that it is a disease. I guess any addiction is a disease, although i only know the term "alcoholism." Not sure what its called for other drugs.
I guess i find it totally amazing, as well, how badly it plagues ones mind, when one cant have their alcohol. What is it really that we are drawn to in having our minds influenced each day, that we become completely incapacitated without it. I mean, i know the habitual effects. Hand to mouth, drinking on something. I have found ice water really helps there. But what has made our minds so focused on one thing. And repeatedly thinking of it, when we know it is harmful and we generally know the outcome? The giddy of the first. The relaxed by the third. The emotions by the fifth. The anger by the sixth. The arguments by the eigth. The puffy eyes from crying when things arent seen your way. The headache in the morning, the achy feet at work and the low energy level, til we fo it again because we have had such a stressful day.
I remember 10 years ago, when drinking was "cool." The next day, you'd get on the phone, sick as all hell and rehash with the friends about who made an ass out of who, who did what, how hungover you were. And this was cool???
I remember telling my mom when i lived four hours from here that i was so hungover, but no worries cause we were going out in a few and the first drink would just take that away. I remember my mom saying that wasnt a good sign, that that was a problem and me brushing her off. How I wish i had listened.
Because after that, If I wasnt drinking, I could literally feel "the need" for a drink in my veins and my heart just pumping away getting excited.
I look back now and get angry, that i too allowed this take over my life and wish that when i announced to my friends at 21 years ols that i was going to aa and had a problem, they would have been supportive, instead of saying it was ok. I was still young. I didnt have a problem. because there are many days now that feel the same way.
Katie, i understand how you are feeling. The fact that you finished a really great book? I read so freakin much that i should open a library out of my head. You should be proud of doing so, because it was a temporary distraction. I hope you had the strength to fight off the stoli and get to a meeting or pizza store or something. And ask yourself: what triggered your "Craving" today. Was it a sugar desire? Slurpees work real well for that. Or was it an emotional craving. Something in your book trigger subconciously something unhappy for you? Or was is out of boredom?
I hope that today turned out ok for you. I hope your strength remained high. And that tomorrow will be a better day.

mertyl
P.s- i would give you all sorts of jumping, dancing smiling characters but i dont know how. So u wil have to use ur imagination.
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Old 07-17-2006, 06:18 PM
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Thanks to all of you who left responses. I think that what triggered it was the book that I finished. It was emotionally draining...the ups, the downs, the dissappointment. I think I get so emptionally involved with my books, that I feel like I am right there (I know...I'm a book dork.) I just felt so drained after I was done that I felt that I needed a drink. I usually go for a bike ride, but it was too hot. I planned my trip that I am taking this coming weekend, played with my cats, got some really good takeout, and watched a political debate that I have been wanting to see...and it was gone. I am just incredibly worried that when something does happen that upsets me (except for a fictional book) I may lose it. I still haven't gone to AA...I'm wicked stubborn. I am so glad that I didn't have my Stoli. I am still struggling with trying to swallow the fact that I am an alcoholic, and that I can never drink again. I started off trying to be sober for 6 months (Dec 14th couldn't have looked better.) Now that I know that I can never drink again, I truly feel like I am mourning the death of my best friend.
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Old 07-17-2006, 06:33 PM
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****, if you are a book-lover, have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir written by a very smart, thirty-something journalist and her love affair with alcohol. It's deeply honest and inspirational.

If you're concerned about what might happen when you're upset, make a plan. Have something specific in mind that you will do when that happens. It might help.
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Old 07-17-2006, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by mertyl
wish that when i announced to my friends at 21 years ols that i was going to aa and had a problem, they would have been supportive, instead of saying it was ok. I was still young. I didnt have a problem. because there are many days now that feel the same way.
EXACTLY!! When I was in college, I would try time and time again to quit for a few days, and sure enough, we would end up going to the bar, or opening a big bottle of red wine. "You're still in college...you SHOULD be drinking," is what they would say. I knew I had a problem then. On one hand, I am glad that it ONLY took me until I was 25 to realize how HUGE of a problem it was/is, but on the other, I am destraught that I lost 10 years drinking way too much, and driving myself into a deep depression which lasted for years.

Anna,
Drinking: A Love Story was the last book I read before I quit drinking, and it was the first one I read when I stopped. My psychologist gave it to me, and it truly was my story...the overachiever, the functioning alcoholic, that everyone thought would be the last person to have a problem...until I told my family finally (last week) that towards the end, I was blacking out almost every night, and feeling so depressed and angry that I didn't think that there was a way out. I was the magna *** laude student, and the good daughter. Anyway, sorry for rambling. You're right, Anna. I have been saying for a couple of weeks that I was going to start going to AA. This may have been the straw.
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Old 07-17-2006, 07:52 PM
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Katie -- I am with you! I still have moments when it is still devastating to me that I can't have champagne at my wedding, celebrate an event with a toast, go to the pub and relax. Especially being in my 20's when everything seems to involve drinking. You go for a drink on a first date, have drinks with friends, etc. But when this feeling overwhelms me, I just think about the clarity I have now. I am able to pursue my true interests (it sounds like you have many great ones!) I see how much more beautiful everything is, how much more honest all my relationships are -- how much more honest I am with myself. That is truly a gift!

Thanks for saying "package store"! I just moved to Colorado from Boston, so it was a little taste of my former life there!

2dayzmuse -- What are some good recovery movies? I hadn't even thought of that!

Thanks Katie and keep us posted!! Love and peace to you and to all!
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Old 07-18-2006, 06:56 AM
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Old 07-18-2006, 08:08 AM
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Old 07-18-2006, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by **** ma
Now that I know that I can never drink again, I truly feel like I am mourning the death of my best friend.
Hi ****...just wanted to say that I know exactly how that feels. When I first got sober I was in EXACTLY that same frame of mind...then someone with a lot more time at the tables than myself suggested I replace the word "never" with "today".

My last drink was April 22, '05...I may drink/drug again someday...

BUT NOT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-18-2006, 12:18 PM
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**** - just wanted to let you know I know how you're feeling. I've been drink free since December 3, 2005. But I've been having days like this for the last few days. It's overwhelming and frustrating and tiring. I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. Coming here and posting my gripe usually makes me feel better. Glad you're here.

~doll
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