Since I stopped drinking, I have had tons of energy, and have even felt guilty that I felt so good for the past month, when I was reading other people's posts about how much they were struggling. I got out of work today at 3:00. (It's now 6:00.) I came home, finished reading a really good book, and now I can't help but want to go to the package store and buy a gigantic bottle of Stoli. I have been struggling with my sobreity for the past couple of days, but today has got the best of me. I am so upset and dissappointed that alcoholism has to play such a huge roll in my life. I thnk that at first, I took on sobriety because it was a challene more than anything elsee. Now that I realize that I am in this for the long haul, I am in the "it's not fair that it happened to me" frame of mind. Everyone I know can drink reasonably and responsibly, and for me, I just can't do it. I guess I haven't really gotten the first step. I am pissed that I am powerless over it. I think that's why I want to go buy some vodka...to "prove" somehow that it can't defeat me. I know that must sound strange, but that's how I feel. I feel as depressed as I was a month ago when I realized that I had to stop drinking to STOP being so depressed. What a vicious cycle. It is taking every fiber of my being to not hop in the car and go get a martini at the bar. I would kill for it. I know they say that the cravings come and go, but they are just so damn hard.
