Csmcjewl

Hi,
I have made a decision that I need to get rid of Jennie and Aaron. I know I need to. You are right, I keep putting myself in these situations but it's not even really intentional ya know? Jennie came over last night to hit the Friday meeting and Aaron had promised he'd go with that girl he was with the night before. Well, we went over there right before the meeting and he was drunk and said he wasn't going. So we went without him. Well, after the meeting (which was really good) we ended up going back over there to hang out. Which, in the first place..I know I shouldn't have done, it's that craving that if I'm not drinking I want to at least be in the environment. Ya know? I got cocky cause I was like...well, I did it yesterday, i can do it today. I didn't want to be the downfall ya know? Like, "I don't think this is good for my sobriety, just take me home." I don't know, i'm not good at speaking up. I figured that it wasn't too horrible as long as Aaron was the only one drinking, I could almost deal with that because there's a whole group of sober people around me. Well, we got there and it was the opposite, he had 2 friends over and they were both drinking. Well, so I sat there and paced myself...telling myself, Jennie is still sober. Jennie will be sober with me. Well, then all of a sudden we were making a beer run on the way back to my house and Jennie was drinking. Well, that was it...my body went into autopilot and I took out money out of the ATM that I didn't have, knowing well that things would bounce if I did it. we went to the store and I bought 2 25 ounce cans of beer, figuring that the sober side of me was like...sigh, at least don't buy much. Well, we got back here and I just sat in the living room, surrounded by people getting drunk with the can in my hand. It took everything I had inside myself to just sit there. And that's what I did, I sat with the can in my hand playing with the little tab but didn't open it. I watched the clock and counted every 5 minutes until Dave (my b/f) was coming home. Everyone left, well....Aaron ditched one his friends in the bathroom and we ended up taking him home. Jennie drove because she assumed that I had been drinking. I didn't say anything. Dave came home and was pissed because the beer was in the fridge, someone had left an empty beer bottle on the floor in the living room despite my many warnings...etc. But, I convinced him and after awhile of dealing with how close I'd come to drinking the beer in the fridge was driving me crazy, I couldn't handle it. So, Dave and I together poured it out. That just broke me, I couldn't handle pouring beer down the drain and I just started crying. It was the most pathetic I've been in awhile. Thing is, I know I did it to myself. and I know that I'm serious about getting sober so, I can't do that again. I can't handle that kind of stress. It still has me out of sorts today, I just can't do that to myself. Aaron swore up and down that he will pick me up to go to the Sunday night meeting, we'll see about that. I might just tell him to screw off. These people are not my friends, they are drinking buddies, and nothing else. They aren't true friends to me. I can't handle another night like last night, I haven't been so stressed out in a very long time. Well, hell, this week has just been hell on me but at least I'm on day 8 today and not day 1. I am serious about getting sober, the all women's meeting is tonight. I have made an oath to myself that I will go and I will say, I have been sober for 8 days and I need a sponcer. Someone, please help me. Just writing on this board has taken a load of stress off me. My b/f is here trying to hang out with me and I'm just....I just want to crawl into bed and sleep all day. I'm just going to try and shake the feeling though. Oh, to finish off last night I wanted to invite Dave's friends over to hang out (they don't drink around me) but they were already planning on going to the bar so....that just further pushed me into like "Everyone does nothing but drink! It's a hopeless battle!" It was a very very rough night on me, but I know I have the power to stop situations like that and if I don't want to fail yet again, that's what I need to go. Well, I know I'm sober for today...I'm not seeing anyone, just going to chill with the b/f and hit the meeting tonight. Thank you so much for just listening to me ramble today. i'm trying to fix all the things that have caused me to fail in the past and the biggest is that, I change my intentions but not my surroundings. That's what I'm going to do now. Change my friends, it's not going to be easy but I know it's what I need to do to stay sober. Thanks for listening.