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Is this "allowed" in AA..?

Old 06-23-2003, 08:09 PM
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Is this "allowed" in AA..?

Hi all,
Quick concern....well, a quick recap...I have been doing ok since Friday, still sober that is. I've been avoiding my friends and when I went into the meeting tonight I saw the guy I drank with Friday and I was going to tell him that I wasn't going to hang out anymore if he just wanted to drink. But, he got up and said it was too hot in the room and left. I don't know if that was really because of me or what....but...Aww well. My concern is...there is a guy at the meetings that has been there since my very first meeting that I see every so often. Well, I was thinking of asking him to be my sponsorer, is that allowed? Would it be recommended that I find a woman? This guy is the only guy I've talked to so far at the meetings besides Aaron. He's in his 30's. He talked about going to college to fill a hole today and I totally understood where he was coming from. And last week I saw him on the railtrail but I didn't say hi. Today, that was my lead-in...he said it was probrably him and feel free to say hi next time. Then he asked how I was doing to which I said...well, honestly...pretty horrible, I'm back to 3 days sober. It was kinda odd too because just admitting it and getting it off my chest made a huge lump form in my throught so I changed the subject pretty quick. But, I just feel like if I actually got the chance to sit down and talk to his guy, I could really talk to him ya know? I looked around the room at all the girls there and there's this older lady who doesn't really seem too concerned and these 3 young girls who seem to have formed like the AA click or something. I don't quite understand that but, I'm not much one for superficial relationships so...I stay away from that. But, I just wanted to know...1. How does one go about getting a sponsorer? I mean, I feel like I'm scoping the room out everytime I go in or something, feels kinda wierd. and 2. How good do you have to know the person before you ask them? and 3. Is it ok to ask a guy or should I keep looking and find a woman? Just a few....I'm still pretty nervous about this whole thing but I know i want to do it, I've got to get one or I'm never going to make it 30 days. He even asked me if I had a sponsorer but I said no and just kinda changed the subject cause I got wierded out. I wanted to ask on here first...and then I mean, what do you do...? just walk up to some stranger and be like..hey, will you sponseror me? Do you like, ask to talk to them in private or what? I mean, I'd love to talk to that guy...or anyone I feel I could connect with ya know? I'd love to just get all this off my chest...all my fears about wanting to do it but I feel like...well, no...I know I Can Not do it like I have been...The Me against the world tactic just doesn't work. anyways, I'm rambling again but...i'm just really nervous about this. I haven't even made a single friend beyond drinking buddies in ages ya know? So....just approaching someone is kinda nervewracking because i don't have a beer in my hand. I know this makes me sound like a big dork or something, i'm really not...i've done some pretty crazy stuff I'm just kinda shy when it comes to new situations. Please help....I'm going to another meeting tomarrow the guy will be at or I could hit the womans meeting instead. Someone give some sort of guidance...? Thanks!
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Old 06-23-2003, 08:12 PM
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PS

BTW: 1. The Rail-Trail is this old railroad track they paved over and made like a rollerblading trail.
2. I have no personal interest in the guy, I've still got my fiance'! But, I do know he is single but not looking at the moment.
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Old 06-23-2003, 08:26 PM
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Men with the men and women with the women. there is a reason for that is that men can talk about things that are men related and women talk about things that are related to women.
I don't know anyone that has a male female sponcer and I have been around for a long time. SO what I sugest is find a woman to be your sponcer and besides that if the guy that you want to ask would tell you that you need a woman to be your sponcer.
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Old 06-23-2003, 08:27 PM
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Hi Stacey

Glad you are interested in finding a sponsor.

Look on thr free literature rack at your next meeting..

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship" most likey is there.

If not..ask the chair person for 1.

You might want to attend a Ladies Meeting for awhile.

Cheering you forward...
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Old 06-24-2003, 02:40 AM
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Hi all,
BikerBill wrote:
"Men with the men and women with the women. there is a reason for that is that men can talk about things that are men related and women talk about things that are related to women."

The above statement is true, but talking ain't the BIG problem that's caused by men sponsoring women or visa versa.:p
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Old 06-24-2003, 08:01 AM
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It's Tuesday...

Well, thanks for the advice. It seems to be the majority that think I should stick with finding a woman sponseror. Well, I hope I can do it...I mean, most of my friends are guys, I get along with them better, that's why I asked in the first place. I'm not a very girly girl...I mean, I like chick flicks and all but, I don't wear makeup, I don't really "do" my hair...that kind of crap. That was my concern is that I wouldn't really be able to "fit in" with women. I usually hang out with my b/f's friends who are all guys. But, I will take your advice, I was thinking tomarrow night there is a meeting that is more like group counseling and they make everyone talk and say where they are in recovery and that might be a good way to just say...hey, i'm looking. Ya know? I looked at the days wrong though, the all women meeting isn't till Saturday. So, today...my usual meeting if I hit one on tuesday is the garage/biker meeting. hehe, I suppose that's not the best place to find women to sponser me is it? But, it's a very laid back meeting, it's probrably my favorite. Anyways, should I maybe go to one of the church ones? Those are always soo boring! hehe..Ok, I think my new chair is being delivered now.... Bye!
Stacey
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Old 06-24-2003, 08:29 AM
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Hey jewl,
You wrote:
"I mean, most of my friends are guys, I get along with them better, that's why I asked in the first place."

I'm a guy and most of my friends were guys but I kept getting into trouble with women. That's exactly why I had to get with the guys and stay there. That way I didn't generate more information for my fourth step....
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Old 06-24-2003, 09:00 AM
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Music,
Hey! Good point! Sometimes it's the most obvious answer that ya just can't see ya know? Like my b/f just said..."Of course!? What else would a guy want to do but get the chick drunk?" Thanks for pointing out the obvious. Not all guys that I know have gotten me into trouble, but...there are quite a few that have. I think you are right, as nervous as that makes me about trying to meet women. (God, I sound like my b/f's single friends!) I have decided I will relent and just go to the biker meeting tonight because none of the other one's really interest me. 1 is at my chuch which I really don't want to see someone I know. another is big book study, well...I've never read the big book so...I'd probrably be pretty well lost there. (I've got the big book coming in the mail.) and the last one is at the community center but it's downstairs in a little windowless room and there is a big storm coming, I love storms...I want to watch it. I know at the garage where the biker meeting is held they always leave the doors open so...I know I'd love it. It was what took me to the bar plenty of times. The idea of dancing next to or even in the rain was always too tempting. So, I think it would be good to hit a meeting that reminds me that I can still sit and listen to the rain and not have to be being a drunken **** to do it. hehe. Tomarrow is the meeting where I have to talk so, I will go to that one and make it a point to admit that I need help. Thank you again for pointing out what I, in my mind, would try to ignore.
Stacey
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Old 06-24-2003, 10:31 AM
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Check out a woman's meeting. You don't have to be a girlie girl to attend one, I'm sure that there are many like you who hang with guys and that is why they attend the woman's meeting. Not to get into any trouble, if you know what I mean! You will find a sponsor pretty soon I assume. I know many ladies who LOVE the woman meetings and rarely attend any of the mixed sex meetings. Deffinitly having a same sex sponsor is recommended, you will see why once you get one.
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Old 06-25-2003, 09:31 AM
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Am I dumb or what?

Hey,
Just a quick note about yesterday. I will be finding a woman to sponcer me, thanks for the advice. Now, I just have to find someone! That could be rough, there is only 1 all woman's meeting a week in my town. Anyways, yesterday Jennie came over. Jennie and Aaron, the guy I met when he was in rehab are the one's I failed with last Friday. So, I knew how stupid this was. Well, I ended up going to a meeting with Jennie but then we went over to Aaron's house, who was already drunk. We picked him up and went driving around. Jennie bought him a 40. It drove me nuts, absolutly nuts. I knew it was a bad situation but there I was. Well, nothing happened. Thank Goodness we ran into Jennie's friend's who were goody goodies. Well, it ended up Aaron is in college, his first semester and it ends this week. Well, he hasn't done his homework for the past 2 1/2 months. Well, stupid me...being the idiot I am agreeed to do it after much begging from him. It's just this stupid Becoming a master student class. Quick easy homework but, all of it ended up taking me like 3 hours to do. Well, it was wierd because we dropped him off at his house and I went in so he could explain to me how to do it and he's giving me a hug all trashed and grabs my butt and kisses my neck at the same time. I was like..whoa buddy! But....uhh, it was wierd. Because we're not like that. He know's I have a b/f and it's like he's a guy and I'm a girl but, he once dated my old manager so...it's a very "off limits" kind of friendship. So, it kinda threw me for a loop. But, I did his homework and left it outside, where despite Dave (my b/f) betting me $5 that he wouldn't show up..he did. So, that was that. But, do you think that was a mistake? I mean, I know it's not great to do someone's homework for them because they are all trashed and can't do it for themselves but...He was going to fail the class if I didn't. It was already too late for him last night and like my b/f says..I'm sure he's just gonna fail next semester and stuff but...I just couldn't sit there and let him fail now because of his addiction ya know? I just had to help just this once. So, anyways....do you guys think that was really stupid of me or what? I mean, I just feel so sorry for him because when I look at him all trashed I see myself ya know? It's just so sad and he keeps going to meetings because he says he wants help and he wants to stop but, he just doesn't. He get's in social situations and he has to drink, even if he is the only one. His addiction has gotten out of control as mine has on occasion and, I can't help but help ya know? I don't know....let me know if that was totally stupid of me.
Stacey
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Old 06-25-2003, 09:46 AM
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To be blunt,I really think you need to get with sober people and stay with sober people.Hanging out with people who are not sober,(especially guys)is playing with fire.You need to be on solid ground yourself before you can help others who are struggling.

Remember...this is life or death.You aren't doing yourself or Aaron any favors by hanging out together.And baling him out of his jams could be doing him more harm than good in the long run.

Stick with the winners and do what they do.Take care...

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Old 06-25-2003, 11:16 AM
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Hi jewl,
I agree with phoenix. You asked if what you did was stupid. In a word....Yup!
There's an old saying in the program. Keep going to the barber and pretty soon you'll get a hair cut. There's another one too but I won't go there.
Let the guy go down on his own by himself. He doesn't need your help.
My first sponsor told me, "You're not God and you don't have the right to stand in someone's way of hitting their bottom." Aaron may learn the hard way(we hope)or he may not learn at all. You need to look out for #1. You said that seeing him was like looking at yourself. At this stage of the game, you don't need to be that close.
I was at a meeting the other night and a woman with about 15 years said something funny but very profound. She said, "When I'm in a bad place, I keep in touch with everyone but me!" I know when I'm in a bad place, I'm not very good company. You may feel like you're in a good place but we can BS ourselves real fast.
Stick with sober people and do what they do. You can't loose.
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Old 06-25-2003, 01:23 PM
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You guys are right...

Ya know, on afterthought, I've been thinking about what I did all day. I do agree with you, I know I do...it's just really hard, ya know? Aaron was once in a place that I envied, he was in rehab and he had 6 months sober. I watched him walk up and get his coin...I couldn't have been more proud. But to see him now just breaks my heart. Like my b/f says...my biggest flaw in life is the "**** Stacey" attitude. I'm so selfless and so giving, I end up screwing myself over in the end. I have a really hard time putting myself #1. It's always everyone else ahead of me. They say being an alcoholic is a selfish disease and I agree because when I wanted to drink, I drank...regardless of the consequences. But, now that I (hope) I'm getting sober finally, I want the world to be sober with me. I don't know if that's selfish or selfless but, it just kills me to watch Aaron go back down. He's already going back to court next month for getting kicked out of counseling. And the thing is, I know I can't do anything about it. I think that's what drives me most crazy. I'm getting sober, I try to help him...but, I know I can't do anything but watch him to back to jail if not prison. I've seen so many of my friends end up in prison...it's just really hard. I will try to stay away from Aaron though. I will take your advice no matter how hard it is. I do see him at meetings but I will tell him the only way we're hanging out is sober. I have no doubt that will drive him away more than me telling him go away, ya know? It makes me really sad though. I know you guys are right but...my mind gives me every excuse in the world to not be sober and when waiting till Aaron gets sober comes around I know it's just something I can't do. I need to think about myself this time. It's hard but, thank you for the advice, I will do my best to stay away from Aaron unless we're at a meeting together or sober. I think that's the best I can do for now. Thanks....
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Old 06-25-2003, 01:31 PM
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Can't be worrying about a drunk if you wanna be sober, friend or not.

You get what you ask for.
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Old 06-25-2003, 01:38 PM
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Stacy

I agree with phoenix, stay with sober WOMEN,

I'm surprized you still don't have a Big Book, maybe you can get one at the next meeting you go to.
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Old 06-25-2003, 03:01 PM
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Hi jewl,
You wrote:
"I don't know if that's selfish or selfless but, it just kills me to watch Aaron go back down. He's already going back to court next month for getting kicked out of counseling."

In some circumstances, selfish and selfless can mean the same thing. Depends on our motives!
Some people believe being selfless means doing for others. That's fine to do for others if they can't do for themselves. Love and charity are fine in their place. Being selfless for the sake of me feeling better is selfish. I'm not really doing the best thing for the other person. I'm doing what I need to do to feel better about myself. I imagine it does hurt to see a friend go through what Aaron is going through but he made certain choices which caused all these events to take place.
I try to keep my desires out of these types of situations. My son did drugs and drank. I did a 12 step call on him once and he decided all he needed was one meeting and all was well. I told him not to call me any more at 2:00 a.m. that if he was serious, he should take the steps himself. He ended up walking to the police station with all his pipes and such and told them he needed help. That was his choice. He's got 14 years in the program. People have to hurt bad enough to want to do something about themselves. Noone can do it for them. I would tell Aaron that I can't be with him unless and/or until he sobers up and straightens out.
Being "selfless" is not thinking less of myself. It's thinking of myself "less." This means that what I want to happen isn't always what needs to happen. When I start thinking I know better than God what's suppose to happen, I go stand in the corner and count myself. Keeps coming up "one."
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Old 06-25-2003, 05:38 PM
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Originally posted by Music
Noone can do it for them. I would tell Aaron that I can't be with him unless and/or until he sobers up and straightens out.
Being "selfless" is not thinking less of myself. It's thinking of myself "less." This means that what I want to happen isn't always what needs to happen.
Couldn't have said it any better. How can he expect anyone to help him when he isn't helping himself? In my opinion, you are becoming just a crutch to him. The more and more that you keep up this behavior it will be expected of you to do his homework, comfort him, make his bed. He is not a baby. He needs to learn.
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Old 06-26-2003, 02:32 AM
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Wow...Sounds like an awful lot of drama. Reminds me of myself.
Remember all you can do is pray for Aaron and all the rest of the alcoholics who still suffer, and wait for him to be ready. You can't MAKE him get sober, and doing his homework was just enabling him to "get away with" drinking/using more. I know your intentions were good, as mine were when I went searching in bars for my friend tonight, but it got us nowhere.. I helped him get to meetings a couple weeks ago, and got him in touch with a guy who runs a sober living home. He didn't last, because he wasn't ready. And to be perfectly honest, my 12 stepping him turned into a "13th step", in that we are attracted to one another, which never works when someone like him is as sick as he is (not to mention how sick Iam for yearning so badly for attention that I went for it). It makes me very sad that, as a chronic alcoholic and heroin user with hepatitis, my friend may never return, and could die with a needle in his arm. However, I cannot be God, cannot control the outcome. I just have to remember that all I can do is keep him in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that he eventually "gets it".
Try for now to take care of Stacey, and let your higher power take care of the rest...that's what Iam trying to do, too.
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Old 06-26-2003, 02:38 AM
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P.S. Just a note about searching for drunks in bars...I found plenty of them, no one I was looking for, no one really ready to stop drinking. Two men tonight were struck curious by me, then drove off drunk in their car. Hmmm... Once again, lesson learned. When they are ready, they know where to go. Just be a shining example of a healthy, sober individual and they just might be "struck sober" one of these days.
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Old 06-26-2003, 02:46 AM
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Hi Rockin,
Way to go. You mentioned being struck sober. You were struck smarter! Just glad you learned the lesson without having to drink.
All any of us can do is take care of ourselves and pray for the rest. At least if I take care of myself, if the hand of AA reaches out I'll be in good shape to grab on.
I haven't seen your name before. Maybe I just missed it but if you're new....welcome. Glad to see you.
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