[Beth]. Great big hug.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sorry you've come to this very hard place.I wish I had a magic wand to wave your way. I can tell you that everything changes, the good as well as the bad. This will pass. Your life will be different soon. Better or worse? I wish I knew, for me as well as for you.
Suicide (there, I said it) is the ultimate insult to the survivors. You say to the people who knew you, including those here on SR, that we weren't good enough, we weren't smart enough, we couldn't give you the love you needed when and how you needed it.
No one always gets the right kind and quantity of love. Some never do.
29,000 kids that are going to die of malnutrition today couldn't care less about your problems. Neither did the 29,000 who died yesterday. Neither will the 29,000 who will die tomorrow. But hey, we're gaining; 15 years ago it was 40,000 a day.
Millions of people in jail would love to trade places with you. So would hundreds of thousands with terminal illnesses who don't want to die yet.
None of that eases your pain. All it does, if you choose to let it, is open your eyes. No one wants to die. The survival instinct is strong. All anyone wants is to be relieved of pain.
Live on.