Thank you
Dear Everyone-
Wow, the information and kindness is really a pleasant finding. For those of you who asked if I have read books ( getting them sober), I have read a small library of books and have attended meetings and went to counseling and attended meetings with him to be supportive. Of course, that was 12 years ago.
My personal plate is so full already that I really don't know how to put anymore on it without it tipping over. That is why I looked for something online to start.
I recently discovered that I had a health issue that took me very much by surprise because it was nothing I was thinking I would hear but it has resulted in me having to attend rehab three times a week and I have not even been able to consistently do that with everything else.
I am sure this is true for everyone but geez louise this was such crappy timing and I really resent being put in this place where I know what I need to do and am so constrained at the same time. Before, there were no kids, no school, no health issue and no business.. now I am on go constantly and as of the last few days find myself in tears of frustration, anger and confusion that I am just trying to keep it all tied together as best as i can so my kids don't get the vibe and so I don't 'lose it'. I am strong and I am tenacious but I am frustrated that I cannot find enough hours in the day to do all the other stuff and now this too.
I know that relapse is common and I know that alcoholism cannot be cured and I know what I signed up for and have done everything that I said that I would and I did not breech this trust and I am resentful as hell that he has done this and taken away my trust...
I am not a whiny thing by nature and I don;t often complain just because **** is tough- that is life and I "get it" but I am so close to allowing myself to just not care and I think I am scaring myself. I don't have the energy to put into this what I put into it 12 years ago and the f***ed up thing is I don't even know how much of the demon I am fighting I just know that it has knocked on the door and he answered.
I am sorry if I sound cold I really am a compassionate and considerate person who genuinely loves this person but I am tired and very very sad.