Newbie to the board and happy to have found the forums

Old 06-23-2006, 05:23 AM
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Newbie to the board and happy to have found the forums

Good morning,
I am going to apologize for the length of this post ahead of time- please bear with me.

I am a newbie here and up until three days ago I thought that any and all issues with alcoholism were far, far behind me. I am married to a great guy who has been sober 12 years up until the last two or so months (unfortunately, I am not depending on his word to be accurate). I only discovered the drinking this past Monday. “J” and I have been together 16 years, married for 10. He was pretty far into his addiction when we met and I, of course, thought I could “fix” him so I stayed and I fought and got all sorts of sick myself.

Early on we had made arrangements to be married but the drinking became so bad that I finally realized that I could not be married to this disease and if was going to continue then I had to be away from him. To say addiction runs in his family is an understatement and he lost his older brother to the disease 14 years ago. It finally came down to him not drinking and us trying to work it out or for him to continue without me. He went into treatment and after a 30 in-house treatment program “J” became sober. He has been an excellent role model and many people have been impressed with his determination and work to overcome his addiction – he has not had a drink since until a couple of months ago.

Since “J” became sober we have gotten married, we have had two children ages 4 & 6, we have established ourselves and worked through quite a lot and was able to purchase a beautiful home where we want to raise our kids. He has a great job and just got a very nice raise and I am working towards a degree and preparing to launch a business. It was really going well and I was just telling friends that for the first time in a long time I was becoming very content with my life. Until this past Monday.

It is funny (peculiar) that I smelled it on him a couple of times but it seemed so far out of the atmosphere that I did not spend a lot of time really looking. I had asked a couple of times and was told that, “No. I am not drinking.” A week ago he began “dozing” off in his chair and he ended up passed out in our daughter’s bed (he went to lie with her until she fell asleep) - my inner bells went off big time and I decided to observe. Last Saturday he was looking “lit” and I asked him again (knowing in my gut that he was drinking) and he said no, he wasn’t. Sunday (father’s day) we had a friend for dinner and “J” was just getting off the wall exhibiting all sorts of familiar behaviors that were totally consistent with drinking. He was overly complimentary, overly chatty, almost giddy and so unlike himself. I knew for a fact my gut was correct I just did not have proof.

Monday I woke with such a feeling of dread it was almost strangling. I took my son to school and he took my daughter and I came back home. I wrestled with my “inner demon” trying to prevent myself from going “in search of a bottle”… well, that did not last long and I went looking and it did not take long until I found his stash. The reality was so fierce I was totally sucker punched.

I am so incredibly pissed and I feel very detached. All of the emotions came flooding back and I feel really concerned over my need to go and look for a bottle. I remember searching the entire house and finding bottles stashed all over. While I was looking I realized that all of the issues that the alcoholism caused me before were easily brought to the surface and it scares me. I am torn in half. On one side I feel as if I am very betrayed and that I can no longer trust or depend on “J”. My kids are a huge part of this feeling and I WILL NOT put them through that crap, it is far too painful. The other side of me is saying that I am making too much of it. It was a mistake- a momentary lapse of reason and he has said he is sorry and that he is done. God knows I would like to believe that- I really would but my logic tells me that accepting things at face value is a dangerous thing to do.

I am not really looking for advice- in fact I am not sure what I am seeking at all. I guess I would like to know, from others that are living it, if I need to remain on high alert or give the benefit of the doubt and being to forgive and heal. I do not want to ridicule “J”, I do not wish to shame him and dividing up my family is a painful thought but one that I will do if I decide that it is necessary. I cannot get a reason “why” out of him and I am not sure that a reason is even relevant. I did ask him yesterday if he was going to go back to meetings and I was told that he would if I want him to. UGH… so not the right answer- you know? He told me that he was already sick of the drinking by the time I found the bottle on Monday and that it is done and that I shouldn’t throw away 12 years over a mistake and part of me does agree but on the other hand I do not know the level of his drinking nor do I know the length of time he has been drinking. He knows the things to say to offer me a way to feel better but I am really gun shy right now and I am just in an emotional pickle as to what to do. My mother has told me for many years that when things are so cloudy that you don’t know what to do then choose to do nothing and let it come to you but I am a Jekyll and Hyde personality right now floundering between my head and my heart. I guess I just wanted someone to “hear” me and I greatly appreciate your time.
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Old 06-23-2006, 05:34 AM
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Welcome, lots of wonderful people here who will let you bend their ear. Sounds like that is what you need right now.

My two cents worth...it sounds like he did embrace recovery, unfortunately "relapses" are part of the recovery process. There is no cure for alcoholism, it's just a matter of whether one is active or not.

Nice to meet you, keep posting.
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Old 06-23-2006, 06:57 AM
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So much like my story. I wanted to believe him so much. I knew. I would ask and he was such a good liar. But I knew all along.
I did the bottle search also. It was very "sobering" to actually see the evidence. I found the bottle in his golf bag. I also found like 3 empty paper bags from previous bottles that he was to lazy to throw away.
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Old 06-23-2006, 07:08 AM
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I have to agree with Dolly on this one. Relapses are part of the disease. Some RA never relapse. Personally I think as long as someone does not actively involve themselves in AA, relapse is almost sure to happen.
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Old 06-23-2006, 07:13 AM
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Welcome to the forum Florida

Just wanted to say glad you are here and sorry to hear what is happening. I don't know too much about recovery and relapse, etc., though as the others said, relapse does not appear to be uncommon.

I also sometimes "do nothing" at first. Then I start to ask myself what it is I want. Please keep coming back.

((()))
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Old 06-23-2006, 07:27 AM
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12 years sober, wow. My AH hasn't been able to get 6 days sober.

I can understand your concerns... you've been there, done that and don't want to do it again, especially with children. And his dishonesty about his drinking leaves you unable to know what to believe now. You have every reason to be frustrated with the situation... On the other hand, you have 12 good years and that's a lot of reason to have hope that this relapse of his can be a thing of the past before long.

Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced my crystal ball so I don't know what the future holds for myself, let alone anyone else. All we can do is keep trying to be the people we want to be and living the lives we want to live while we wait to see what choices the A is going to make. Making plans for how to deal with whatever choices my AH makes helps keep me halfway sane. But mostly, I'm just trying to live my life well while I wait to see if my AH will get healthy.

Welcome to SR and good luck.
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Old 06-23-2006, 07:32 AM
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Hi Florida...so glad you are here.

My AH has never quit, so I do not have experience with relapse however I do know that what ASpouse says is true.

I think you DO know what you need to do, and have begun to do it........getting back into your own recovery. That is a way for you to get your bearings. Posting here is so helpful for me. Alanon and open AA meetings. Prayer. Have your read "Under the Influence" and/or "Getting Them Sober" ? Those books deal with so much.....and might be very helpful for you.

You sound as if you understand "the basics" about life with an alcoholic.

Glad you found us. Stick around and post (often!). Lots of wonderful people with loads of experience.
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Old 06-23-2006, 07:43 AM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a really GREAT place, to vent, ask questions, and do some research.

You said "I cannot get a reason “why” out of him". He's not about to tell you yet that this is what alcoholics do.

Please get all the information you can on Alcoholism, and read all the "stickys" at the top of the home page of this, the Friends and Family Forum.

But yes, relapses are very common in those that do nothing but put the "plug in the jug" and attempt to make no further changes about themselves. The ISM in alcoholism is "I, SELF, ME."

Please keep posting and asking questions, you will find some really excellent Experience, Strength and Hope in this forum.

Might I ask if you have looked into Alanon yet?

Love and (((((to all))))),
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Old 06-23-2006, 09:03 AM
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Hi, Florida, I just wanted to say Welcome to Sober Recovery, I am so glad you found us.
My suggestion would be, do nothing untill you attend some Al-Anon meetings,and read everything mentioned, so much to learn.

If he ever went to AA, it should be easier to get sober again, (But we never know).

Keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
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Old 06-23-2006, 09:30 AM
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Thank you

Dear Everyone-

Wow, the information and kindness is really a pleasant finding. For those of you who asked if I have read books ( getting them sober), I have read a small library of books and have attended meetings and went to counseling and attended meetings with him to be supportive. Of course, that was 12 years ago.

My personal plate is so full already that I really don't know how to put anymore on it without it tipping over. That is why I looked for something online to start.
I recently discovered that I had a health issue that took me very much by surprise because it was nothing I was thinking I would hear but it has resulted in me having to attend rehab three times a week and I have not even been able to consistently do that with everything else.
I am sure this is true for everyone but geez louise this was such crappy timing and I really resent being put in this place where I know what I need to do and am so constrained at the same time. Before, there were no kids, no school, no health issue and no business.. now I am on go constantly and as of the last few days find myself in tears of frustration, anger and confusion that I am just trying to keep it all tied together as best as i can so my kids don't get the vibe and so I don't 'lose it'. I am strong and I am tenacious but I am frustrated that I cannot find enough hours in the day to do all the other stuff and now this too.

I know that relapse is common and I know that alcoholism cannot be cured and I know what I signed up for and have done everything that I said that I would and I did not breech this trust and I am resentful as hell that he has done this and taken away my trust...

I am not a whiny thing by nature and I don;t often complain just because **** is tough- that is life and I "get it" but I am so close to allowing myself to just not care and I think I am scaring myself. I don't have the energy to put into this what I put into it 12 years ago and the f***ed up thing is I don't even know how much of the demon I am fighting I just know that it has knocked on the door and he answered.

I am sorry if I sound cold I really am a compassionate and considerate person who genuinely loves this person but I am tired and very very sad.
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