FloridaWhimz

Good morning,
I am going to apologize for the length of this post ahead of time- please bear with me.

I am a newbie here and up until three days ago I thought that any and all issues with alcoholism were far, far behind me. I am married to a great guy who has been sober 12 years up until the last two or so months (unfortunately, I am not depending on his word to be accurate). I only discovered the drinking this past Monday. “J” and I have been together 16 years, married for 10. He was pretty far into his addiction when we met and I, of course, thought I could “fix” him so I stayed and I fought and got all sorts of sick myself.

Early on we had made arrangements to be married but the drinking became so bad that I finally realized that I could not be married to this disease and if was going to continue then I had to be away from him. To say addiction runs in his family is an understatement and he lost his older brother to the disease 14 years ago. It finally came down to him not drinking and us trying to work it out or for him to continue without me. He went into treatment and after a 30 in-house treatment program “J” became sober. He has been an excellent role model and many people have been impressed with his determination and work to overcome his addiction – he has not had a drink since until a couple of months ago.

Since “J” became sober we have gotten married, we have had two children ages 4 & 6, we have established ourselves and worked through quite a lot and was able to purchase a beautiful home where we want to raise our kids. He has a great job and just got a very nice raise and I am working towards a degree and preparing to launch a business. It was really going well and I was just telling friends that for the first time in a long time I was becoming very content with my life. Until this past Monday.

It is funny (peculiar) that I smelled it on him a couple of times but it seemed so far out of the atmosphere that I did not spend a lot of time really looking. I had asked a couple of times and was told that, “No. I am not drinking.” A week ago he began “dozing” off in his chair and he ended up passed out in our daughter’s bed (he went to lie with her until she fell asleep) - my inner bells went off big time and I decided to observe. Last Saturday he was looking “lit” and I asked him again (knowing in my gut that he was drinking) and he said no, he wasn’t. Sunday (father’s day) we had a friend for dinner and “J” was just getting off the wall exhibiting all sorts of familiar behaviors that were totally consistent with drinking. He was overly complimentary, overly chatty, almost giddy and so unlike himself. I knew for a fact my gut was correct I just did not have proof.

Monday I woke with such a feeling of dread it was almost strangling. I took my son to school and he took my daughter and I came back home. I wrestled with my “inner demon” trying to prevent myself from going “in search of a bottle”… well, that did not last long and I went looking and it did not take long until I found his stash. The reality was so fierce I was totally sucker punched.

I am so incredibly pissed and I feel very detached. All of the emotions came flooding back and I feel really concerned over my need to go and look for a bottle. I remember searching the entire house and finding bottles stashed all over. While I was looking I realized that all of the issues that the alcoholism caused me before were easily brought to the surface and it scares me. I am torn in half. On one side I feel as if I am very betrayed and that I can no longer trust or depend on “J”. My kids are a huge part of this feeling and I WILL NOT put them through that crap, it is far too painful. The other side of me is saying that I am making too much of it. It was a mistake- a momentary lapse of reason and he has said he is sorry and that he is done. God knows I would like to believe that- I really would but my logic tells me that accepting things at face value is a dangerous thing to do.

I am not really looking for advice- in fact I am not sure what I am seeking at all. I guess I would like to know, from others that are living it, if I need to remain on high alert or give the benefit of the doubt and being to forgive and heal. I do not want to ridicule “J”, I do not wish to shame him and dividing up my family is a painful thought but one that I will do if I decide that it is necessary. I cannot get a reason “why” out of him and I am not sure that a reason is even relevant. I did ask him yesterday if he was going to go back to meetings and I was told that he would if I want him to. UGH… so not the right answer- you know? He told me that he was already sick of the drinking by the time I found the bottle on Monday and that it is done and that I shouldn’t throw away 12 years over a mistake and part of me does agree but on the other hand I do not know the level of his drinking nor do I know the length of time he has been drinking. He knows the things to say to offer me a way to feel better but I am really gun shy right now and I am just in an emotional pickle as to what to do. My mother has told me for many years that when things are so cloudy that you don’t know what to do then choose to do nothing and let it come to you but I am a Jekyll and Hyde personality right now floundering between my head and my heart. I guess I just wanted someone to “hear” me and I greatly appreciate your time.