Ya know, I never thought about it that way. It does seem much easier to me to focus on Aaron's sobriety rather than my own. I'm always trying to help others without helping myself. It's a chronic thing with me I'm afraid. I went into Psychology and Criminal Justic with dreams of being a probation officer to "help" the criminals. I have since pretty much given up on that dream due to my accident and the recent discrovery that, I was on probation!
That doesn't exactly work out. I'm still in school now because I didn't want to graduate still drinking like I was. Things have gotten better but ya know, I couldn't see leaving school with those degrees with my job goals in mind the state that I was. Things are getting better over the summer and you guys are totally right. I do need to stop focusing on Aaron and focus on myself. It's really easy to do as long as I can avoid him. It's when I see him begging me to buy him beer and when he's drunk almost in tears because he "really wants to stop". It's really hard to look him in the eye and say...you're not ready or you would at least be trying. I agree he's not really trying right now, he's just out enjoying himself, ignoreing all the consequences, which I'll admit, is really easy to do until they bite you in the butt in the end. When you're sitting in jail sobering up for the first time in days, things get real clear real fast, I found that out the hard way. Aaron has already spent 3 months in jail for a first time drinking offense. It's the same thing I got arrested for but I only spent the night in jail, is that fair? Probrably not but, Aaron is on this mission like..the world screwed him over so he's going to flip the world the bird and drink as much as he wants. I do see 1 difference though, that I have been thinking alot about. When he drinks, he gets like a 40, which is enough to get him drunk, but not pass out. He is always still awake till the party ends, if you know what I mean. When I drank with him Friday, about halfway through the night, I had fallen off the picnic table and slept on the ground until Jennie burned the back of my hand with a ciggerette. Then, I compleated my night by passing out and vomiting on the kitchen floor. I'm not sure what that difference means, I mean...I guess it's just alcoholism in a different sence, but...I don't know. I will pray for Aaron, a lot. I will hope and pray that he can get his act together before he ends up back in jail. I will also start to focus on myself, and try not to worry about anyone else until I can get myself in a safer place (more sobriety than 4 days!). Thank you for steering me right, I sit and think alot about what you guys write on here, and I know that you're right. It's hard to accept but I know you're right. You can't help the world. So, be it selfish or selfless, I will let it all go for now. Wish me luck! At least I think I'm sober for today right?
Stacey