I am so glad to hear you asking these questions, hon. Great job of putting the focus where it belongs.
Getting a great counsellor was really important for me to start exploring this stuff. But all he did was ask me the right questions - the answers were (and still are) all in me.
Also, I learned an awful lot about myself by being very active here for quite a while - hence my post count. Trying to put myself in someone else's shoes and thinking about how I would think in that situation certainly helped me to understand where my boundaries lay.
The biggest thing I did was get active, rather than being passive about it. I read everything I could get my hands on. I went to meetings. I downloaded speaker tapes from XA Speakers to burn onto CD. I posted here. (The only thing I didn't do were get a sponsor or journal and I can see now that they would have been tremendous tools for me.) I know that the pendulum swung massively from passivity to activity and I think I overloaded myself with stuff, but eventually it settles into some kind of balance.
I really miss those times of intense growth and frequent lightbulb moments, both for me personally and for others on SR. I remember there were quite a few of us joined around the same time who were really sparking off each other at one time.
I would urge you to put your journey in writing, whether on here or in private. I find it so useful to get things down in black and white and be able to look back and see how far you've come. That's why I advise people to look back at old posts.