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Who am I?

Old 05-28-2006, 11:58 AM
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Who am I?

With all the things that have happened over the years, I definitely think that I do not have any sort of boundaries whatsoever. The problem I'm facing, though, is how to start making them. This may sound ridiculous, but I don't even know what I think is acceptable and unacceptable anymore. I'm just living my life the way it is. I really don't know who it is I want to be. I don't know what I want to stand for and stand up against. I'm just kind of letting my life happen. But if I ask someone what I should think is unacceptable, then I end up trying to live with what they think is unacceptable. And you know what? I could probably get away with that...I'm pretty laid back and take what I'm dealt. But I want to figure out what I want and who I want to be. I just don't have a clue on how to get started. I want to decide how I want to live my life, what I spend my time doing, etc. Any ideas?
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Old 05-28-2006, 12:21 PM
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I used to be that way, I don't have any tips but just wanted to say I've slowly started to tiptoe out and finding out who I am, and that I do have a life outside my sons alcohol problem, and I don't really want to be a part of it anymore. So I guess that's progress. I hope you find out who you are and you become a happier person because of it.
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Old 05-28-2006, 12:39 PM
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Trying to determine what is acceptable or unacceptable if you are currently in the middle of the insanity is impossible. It's impossible because you have already learned how to accept the unacceptable. So it's a Catch 22.

What I've always tried to do is remove myself from the situation, and think to myself, "If my girlfriend was going through this exact same thing, what would I tell her?" It's easier to picture what advice you would give to someone else (as us codies LOVE to give advice) and possibly project that back to you. Just a thought.

Asking others what they think is acceptable isn't such a bad thing. If your mind isn't clear, you just might need that guidance. As long as the person you are asking is in a healthy relationship and is level headed. Copying other people's good habits is okay in my book. That's how I would think of it.

As far as what you want and who you want to be....life's eternal questions, aren't they? I think those kinds of things fall into place once you can detach or remove yourself somehow and start being healthy to yourself. I am still just now learning all of this, and sometimes I need that reminder as well.
Much love and luck. xo
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Old 05-28-2006, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by TexasGirl
But if I ask someone what I should think is unacceptable,
Hey TG! Long time no post.... Why would you want someone to define your boundaries for you? Surely you can figure this out on your own. All you need help with is a good kick-start to get some momentum going. Boundaries would be meaningless if they were someone else’s suggestions.

Did you ever go back to the Therapist?

If you're just trying to figure out who you want to be when you grow up, that's the kind of thing you discover when you get there. The journey is the good part.
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by TexasGirl
I want to decide how I want to live my life, what I spend my time doing, etc. Any ideas?
I can certainly understand what you mean. I lived with insanity for way too long and didn't know any other way. I'm still figuring out a lot of things, and I don't know if I would be able to do that if I had stayed with my husband.

Having said that, I admire you for asking these questions. Maybe you could start by looking at how you spend your time. Not work, but free time. What things do you do because you want to, and what things do you do because you are arranging your life around your A? What things would you like to do, but don't because of him? I think if you start with the little things, like maybe what music you listen to, or what you have for dinner, then it will lead to the bigger, more important things.

Also, getting back to the therapist might help, especially if you are willing to ask the questions and look at yourself.

I wish you the best.

L
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:21 PM
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I am so glad to hear you asking these questions, hon. Great job of putting the focus where it belongs.

Getting a great counsellor was really important for me to start exploring this stuff. But all he did was ask me the right questions - the answers were (and still are) all in me.

Also, I learned an awful lot about myself by being very active here for quite a while - hence my post count. Trying to put myself in someone else's shoes and thinking about how I would think in that situation certainly helped me to understand where my boundaries lay.

The biggest thing I did was get active, rather than being passive about it. I read everything I could get my hands on. I went to meetings. I downloaded speaker tapes from XA Speakers to burn onto CD. I posted here. (The only thing I didn't do were get a sponsor or journal and I can see now that they would have been tremendous tools for me.) I know that the pendulum swung massively from passivity to activity and I think I overloaded myself with stuff, but eventually it settles into some kind of balance.

I really miss those times of intense growth and frequent lightbulb moments, both for me personally and for others on SR. I remember there were quite a few of us joined around the same time who were really sparking off each other at one time.

I would urge you to put your journey in writing, whether on here or in private. I find it so useful to get things down in black and white and be able to look back and see how far you've come. That's why I advise people to look back at old posts.
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Old 05-28-2006, 04:33 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I just wanted to also share that now that I am in the city during the day, there are tons of options for therapists, and I went to my first appointment this past week. I really liked him, and he asked a lot of questions that helped me share. I also found out he happened to go to the same college I did, so he gets bonus points! My next appt is in 2 weeks. Before, I really did not understand what was meant by focusing on me. I am really getting it now. I went in with a list of 8 things I want to accomplish. I feel really good about it. Maybe I will be able to figure out who I am.
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Old 05-28-2006, 04:37 PM
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good work TG - yeah i think there are many of us who have taken so much time to focus on everyone else but ourselves, that we lose "us". sounds like you're making steps in the right direction!
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Old 05-29-2006, 02:33 AM
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TexasGirl,

I hear so much progress in you recently, especially since you began your new job! It's heartwarming!!

Sometimes finding out who we are and what we want simply begins with asking ourselves the right questions. Sounds to me like you're well on your way.

Keep it up. Your journey to a healthier self discovery has just begun!
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Old 05-29-2006, 06:32 AM
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Hi TG and it's great to hear from you . I'm glad you found a good counselor. In Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" workbook, he has an exercise in it that helps one get more acquainted with oneself by asking the following:

He has 2 columns and in one column you write your ideals and in the other, you write realities. Such as:

In a perfect world: In reality:


I am physically-


My hobbies are-


My relationship with my parents is-


My friendships are-


My job is-


My weekends are-


You can ask yourself just about any question such as, "I would not put up with-" and more. I think it would be helpful for you to get some things down on paper. If you try this exercise, you will clearly see how your real life differs from your wish list and you can begin taking steps within your life to change your reality. It's a cool exercise and it may help you. Best of luck and you are asking the right questions .
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Old 05-29-2006, 09:16 AM
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There have been some great suggestions posted, but I thought I'd add one that was a tremendous help to me.

It is called the "Myers-Briggs" personality test, and it really helped me to understand myself better. You can read up on it (there are books on Amazon), or ask your therapist, and you can even do a free on-line version.

Here is a free online version

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
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Old 05-29-2006, 09:47 AM
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OT- sorta
OMG this test nailed me! iNTj
http://keirsey.com/personality/ntij.html
Robina you should start another thread w/ this thing
What a blast and kinda spooky!
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Old 05-29-2006, 03:33 PM
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yes, it's a very cool way to learn about yourself-
I'm an INFJ, by the way...
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Old 05-30-2006, 07:44 AM
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Loved It Jazzman!! By the way, I was a Guardian. Neat test,
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