Originally Posted by CDr55
Hi all. Sorry I have not posted much, but I just needed to get this off of my chest. I hope this post does not offend anyone.
I have been sober for over 9 months now, and I am going through somewhat of a difficult time. It seems that no matter what, I cannot live life on lifes terms. All it takes is for something to go wrong, and my whole mentality changes for the worse. I live life constantly with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I am 27 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD ever since I was a kid.
I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.
I have been in school for ten years, and still do not have a college degree. I am gay, which I do not know why, but I hate about myself. I am Christian, and struggling with my beliefs as well. It seems overall, that lately I have just had a lack of faith. I am a loner, and do not make an effort to make friends. It seems as though I always do something to screw things up.
Overall, I just feel inhuman and restricted. It is amazing how after 9 months of sobriety, I can discount all the pain that drinking has caused me. Sobriety feels as though the lights went out on my party, and now I am either forced to live a depressed wannabe saint-like existance, or die from alcoholic pancreatitis or a liver explosion.
I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.
Sorry again if this post offended anybody.
No offense here CD. Thing is, AA only helps people who want the help. If all you did was sit in meetings and take everything personally, all the while thinking people just weren't paying the attention to you that you seem to think you need, it's no wonder you're miserable. Getting sober takes doing the work, and that means working the steps. Go ahead and drink my friend and when the pain of drinking gets worse than the pain of sobriety, come back and let us know what it was like. I'll be waiting to hear from you.