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I am considering drinking again.

Old 05-13-2006, 04:12 AM
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I am considering drinking again.

Hi all. Sorry I have not posted much, but I just needed to get this off of my chest. I hope this post does not offend anyone.

I have been sober for over 9 months now, and I am going through somewhat of a difficult time. It seems that no matter what, I cannot live life on lifes terms. All it takes is for something to go wrong, and my whole mentality changes for the worse. I live life constantly with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I am 27 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD ever since I was a kid.

I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.

I have been in school for ten years, and still do not have a college degree. I am gay, which I do not know why, but I hate about myself. I am Christian, and struggling with my beliefs as well. It seems overall, that lately I have just had a lack of faith. I am a loner, and do not make an effort to make friends. It seems as though I always do something to screw things up.

Overall, I just feel inhuman and restricted. It is amazing how after 9 months of sobriety, I can discount all the pain that drinking has caused me. Sobriety feels as though the lights went out on my party, and now I am either forced to live a depressed wannabe saint-like existance, or die from alcoholic pancreatitis or a liver explosion.

I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.

Sorry again if this post offended anybody.
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Old 05-13-2006, 04:43 AM
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Hm have you tried any alternatives to AA, other programs? Also deep down inside the voice of reason will tell you that drinking again only makes all these problems you struggle with worse. Nobody said that sober life was easy but I think it's better to face problems with a clear head.
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Old 05-13-2006, 05:26 AM
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I ditto BPGirl....and I am sirry for your anquish.

Have you considered a therapist?

Blessings
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Old 05-13-2006, 06:05 AM
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CDr55,
Drinking again isn't going to cure your problems, don't kid yourself that you will suddenly become the centre of attention with a drink in your hand. You're gay, so what? It's nobody's fault any more than it is someone's fault that I am a six foot tall bald white man.
We all have things imposed on us in life and there is jack$hit we can do about it except to live with it. I have in mind people born with cerebral palsy, debillitating disabilities, blindness, deafness and all the other misfortunes central to human life. Count yourself lucky. As you say you are a Christian, count yourself blessed that you have achiebved nine months sobriety and go out there and live a life. Get your degree, get a partner, get a job, get anything you want except drunk.
Michael
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Old 05-13-2006, 06:10 AM
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Tough love Michael, I have to say that...YOU ROCK!

CDr55 please listen to him.
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Old 05-13-2006, 06:27 AM
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CDr55

Hey, don't give up now! You can go much much further than this in your self dicovery, recovery, whatever you want to name it. If AA is not for you, continue being open and curious to other paths of sobriety and spirituality...or not. Or, simply do not drink, if that's your path.


Keep posting and reading around SR until you feel like something else calls you. we are here for you!

But, may I venture to add, that your comment about being "high maintenance, self absorbed"...THAT will cause you much suffering in life, sober or not, if not dealt with. Its perhaps the core of the 12 step program..."ego-deflation". I hated it for years, but it has been the best medicine for this high maintenance, self absorbed alcoholic, who is today, at peace in sobriety.

I wish that peace for you as well!
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Old 05-13-2006, 06:51 AM
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If you believe the lie that youre telling yourself,please know that the door is always open,and you are welcomed,back,with open hearts,.
Just my opinion,you say that people discounted your problems.If you were with folks who did this to you,then your need to find the right folks in program.Folks who can relate to you,who have been there,and are willing to share with you how they changed,through living in the 12 steps,of AA,program.Many folks,myself included,,have,mistakenly,taken,what folks say and do,in AA,as the program itself,only to find out its not.If you stick with folks who are actually following AA,and who are encouraging you read whats in the BB,and not putting their own spin on how it works,or how they think it works,you will find a big difference.Recovery no matter what program,is all about--changing--.Get into the root and causes of your fears,guilt and anger,with an understanding alcoholic.The BB says that we are to ==fit==ourselves to be of max service to others,Keep looking for these types of folks,they are there.
God Bless,,,
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Old 05-13-2006, 07:24 AM
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CDr55,

I was told many, many, many times that 9 months can be a difficult time in early recovery. What I did at 9 months was add an extra meeting but if AA is not working for you, you'll have to find something else to add if you want to continue in recovery.

The thing is, there is no way going back to drinking/using is an improvement over your current situation and you have no way of knowing what you will feel like if you hang in there, make the next best effort in recovery, and get through to the one year point. Two thoughts:

1) We had to have something different and thought we had found it in drugs.
2) Every clean day is a successful day, no matter what else happens.

One Love, One Heart,
Tony
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:03 AM
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Oh boy... I'm SO very sorry for where you are at right now. I do hope you feel better.

I'm sure I'll get pounced on for continuing to promote AA -- but what did you do in AA for 9 months? If you just went to meetings and didn't drink, that makes a nice start but it won't let you recover. To sound like a real AA fart, I have to say "the elevator to sobriety is out of order, you must take the steps."

Sorry for the cliche, but it's true. In my belief, the steps must be done in order, to completion so that we can realize Step 12 -- having that spiritual awakening, which simply put is just a change in thinking....

Yes, I would also consider therapy as well. Ask around the rooms to find a therapist familiar with the 12 steps. Remember, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has throroughly followed our path..." Maybe you need some help and guidance along the path...

You KNOW that drinking won't make any of this better, only worse. And once you go back out there you only have 2 options -- detoxing again, or death. Neither one much fun.... Please remember not what drinking did for you, but what drinking did to you...

God bless you and take it one day at a time...

Ken
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:03 AM
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CDr55,

Here's a perspective you will likely not be familiar with: The Native people in the area of Canada that I live in have a belief about "gay" people. They are actually a viewed as a gift to the community in that they are "two spirits" they are the spirit of the man or woman of the body that they inhabit, and they are the spirit of the man or woman that they really are... as such they are able to bridge the divide between men and women. They are a GIFT.

Being gay, despite all the hatred in society, and bashing of it in western religions, is nothing bad. It is a biological reality, there is nothing to be ashamed of or to dislike about yourself. You cannot help it.

As for the drinking, you know that you are in a rut, you know that you are lonely and hurting. Practice the HALT inventory (hungry, angry, lonely and tired) daily. This too shall pass. You have come so far, why give it up now?

Question, aren't there AA groups of gay/lesbian people? Have you tried one of these? There are such groups in Vancouver and hey, even on here there is the "Womens" pages, because they have an easier time talking sometimes with just women...

Perhaps you would feel more comfortable at a different group than where you have been. Just don't give up.
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:06 AM
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I happen to agree with michaelj. The problem is not that you're gay, you're depressed,that you haven't got a college degree, or that you're a Christian who's not sure about Christianity. You stated the problem yourself-that you are a self-centered high maintenance individual and that "AA has pointed that out." Well, it doesn't matter who or what pointed that out, it needed to be pointed out. Now what are YOU going to do about it. Michael said it, get off your butt and live. Stop thinking about yourself and find a way to live a useful life. But, if you want to stay mieserable, sit around and dwell on what you don't have and how miserable you are.
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:29 AM
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CDr55,

I'm at 8 1/2 months. I hit a brick wall and was having a hard time dealing with it. A few disappointments. I've not accomplished as much as I would have liked and I got impatient with myself, thinking I couldn't really see many changes in my life. I was thinking, "Is this it? Is this all?"

I don't care for the AA idea that I should humiliate myself in order to pick up the pieces. I think I've already undergone enough humiliation in one lifetime.

I just went to my first AA/NA meeting. I was asked to share my personal experiences and I did, a little. A lady there found it necessary to tell me how much she hated alcoholics. Hmmm... Then she got a little personal. Yeah okay, I get it. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, low-life scum. Who knew one's DOC resulted in an hierarchal classification? I'm so glad to know I'm a bottom-dweller on the addiction food-chain. I waited all this time to hear that...at least I know where I'm at!

The irony of the whole thing tickled me. It occurred to me that a few months ago I would have unleashed a spew of wrath on this young woman and had her in tears in a minute. She just looked at me quizically when I laughed. I can't wait to go to this week's meeting. True to form, I'll keep the reasons to myself.

Yep, I guess that's just what I needed to hear. I've changed more than I thought and funny, I don't feel humiliated. I didn't even think about humiliating myself and someone else.

Sometimes, you gotta pay attention to the details to see the big picture. Look for the positive and grow that, nurture it. If you keep feeding the negative stuff, it's just gonna get bigger.

Make a commitment to yourself to change the way you think. Try working these steps...Thoughts...Beliefs...Actions...Choices. Stop worrying about fault, blame, guilt and shame. That crap is counter-productive. Take a look at rebt-cbt.net and see if you can use that to get some better results.

Make that obsessive thinking work for you, not against you. Practice daily affirmations. Make a list of what you want. Want to finish your degree? What will that take? Dedication, patience, persistence...become obsessively dedicated. Is that selfish and self-centered. Yep. Make it work for you. Would you feel guilty and ashamed for it? Why? Turn everything you've been told are weaknesses into strengths.

Focus on yourself and make a happy sobriety your number one priority. That's a high maintenance job and it's hard work. You'll need to be self-absorbed for awhile and then you might see some accomplishments. Just don't forget to recognize them when you see them.

good thoughts,

Ki
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Old 05-13-2006, 09:14 AM
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CDr55

I am so sorry for your anguish. Can you please check out a therapist...?

If it were me, I would try OTHER aa meeting, you know why...I went through an incredibly hard time too...aa wasn't working for me (in that for me I know I was not working it) so dilly dallied, drank, etc etc and then tried a different meeting - found one eventually - and I swear, CDr it has saved life and I have a life beyond my wildest dreams....HOW>????? Through meetings, but MORE importantly, getting a sponsor and WORKING THE STEPS...it is life changing and that MIGHT just be what you need???? The steps!!!

Your LENGTH of sobriety is incredibly impressive and I hope you can be less hard on yourself...you are a special person, God loves you - YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!

God loves you - and he don't make junk, hey!

Please pm me any time whatsoever. I will keep you in my prayers tonight, CD

Much love
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Old 05-13-2006, 09:40 AM
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I can't think of one pro for drinking but can come up with a lengthy list of cons against drinking. Once question for you. What step are you on?
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Old 05-13-2006, 11:38 AM
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You answered almost all your own questions. You havent 'made the effort' to make friends,...which leads me to believe that you may not be making the effort in AA meetings either.
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Old 05-13-2006, 11:47 AM
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I echo the others who said that, basically, going to meetings is one thing - working the steps is quite another. Read the promises. The do come true, but only if WE DO THE WORK.

I also agree that outside help can really be beneficial.

What I know for sure is this - drinking will only make things worse. You know that and I know that and so do all the rest of us who have tried and failed that route.

Time for something different, hey?
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Old 05-13-2006, 12:23 PM
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I think you need some help for the OCD and depression, bro. I badly need to do the same. I've had OCD since I was a kid too, extemely bad at times, and I'm 37, 19 days clean today. I also never quite finished college. Had a graduation date set twice, but just couldn't keep it together. I hope you're hangin' in there. Your post helped me today.

Paul
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Old 05-13-2006, 12:28 PM
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No how bad things seem at the moment, drinking will compound the problems and make them so much more unmanageble. That is not the road that you want to be on.

I am so sorry that you are struggling. Don't give in to those bad thoughts. Do anything to can to get all the help you can and don't pick up a drink no matter what.
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Old 05-13-2006, 02:54 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your words and suggestions. I'll tell you, I just woke up about 45 minutes ago, and still sober. It seems as though no matter how bad I feel, I have not had a day yet where I woke up regretting that I did not drink.
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Old 05-13-2006, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by CDr55
Hi all. Sorry I have not posted much, but I just needed to get this off of my chest. I hope this post does not offend anyone.

I have been sober for over 9 months now, and I am going through somewhat of a difficult time. It seems that no matter what, I cannot live life on lifes terms. All it takes is for something to go wrong, and my whole mentality changes for the worse. I live life constantly with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I am 27 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD ever since I was a kid.

I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.

I have been in school for ten years, and still do not have a college degree. I am gay, which I do not know why, but I hate about myself. I am Christian, and struggling with my beliefs as well. It seems overall, that lately I have just had a lack of faith. I am a loner, and do not make an effort to make friends. It seems as though I always do something to screw things up.

Overall, I just feel inhuman and restricted. It is amazing how after 9 months of sobriety, I can discount all the pain that drinking has caused me. Sobriety feels as though the lights went out on my party, and now I am either forced to live a depressed wannabe saint-like existance, or die from alcoholic pancreatitis or a liver explosion.

I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.

Sorry again if this post offended anybody.
No offense here CD. Thing is, AA only helps people who want the help. If all you did was sit in meetings and take everything personally, all the while thinking people just weren't paying the attention to you that you seem to think you need, it's no wonder you're miserable. Getting sober takes doing the work, and that means working the steps. Go ahead and drink my friend and when the pain of drinking gets worse than the pain of sobriety, come back and let us know what it was like. I'll be waiting to hear from you.
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