CDr55,
I'm at 8 1/2 months. I hit a brick wall and was having a hard time dealing with it. A few disappointments. I've not accomplished as much as I would have liked and I got impatient with myself, thinking I couldn't really see many changes in my life. I was thinking, "Is this it? Is this all?"
I don't care for the AA idea that I should humiliate myself in order to pick up the pieces. I think I've already undergone enough humiliation in one lifetime.
I just went to my first AA/NA meeting. I was asked to share my personal experiences and I did, a little. A lady there found it necessary to tell me how much she hated alcoholics. Hmmm... Then she got a little personal. Yeah okay, I get it. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, low-life scum. Who knew one's DOC resulted in an hierarchal classification? I'm so glad to know I'm a bottom-dweller on the addiction food-chain. I waited all this time to hear that...at least I know where I'm at!
The irony of the whole thing tickled me. It occurred to me that a few months ago I would have unleashed a spew of wrath on this young woman and had her in tears in a minute. She just looked at me quizically when I laughed. I can't wait to go to this week's meeting. True to form, I'll keep the reasons to myself.
Yep, I guess that's just what I needed to hear. I've changed more than I thought and funny, I don't feel humiliated. I didn't even think about humiliating myself and someone else.
Sometimes, you gotta pay attention to the details to see the big picture. Look for the positive and grow that, nurture it. If you keep feeding the negative stuff, it's just gonna get bigger.
Make a commitment to yourself to change the way you think. Try working these steps...Thoughts...Beliefs...Actions...Choices. Stop worrying about fault, blame, guilt and shame. That crap is counter-productive. Take a look at rebt-cbt.net and see if you can use that to get some better results.
Make that obsessive thinking work for you, not against you. Practice daily affirmations. Make a list of what you want. Want to finish your degree? What will that take? Dedication, patience, persistence...become obsessively dedicated. Is that selfish and self-centered. Yep. Make it work for you. Would you feel guilty and ashamed for it? Why? Turn everything you've been told are weaknesses into strengths.
Focus on yourself and make a happy sobriety your number one priority. That's a high maintenance job and it's hard work. You'll need to be self-absorbed for awhile and then you might see some accomplishments. Just don't forget to recognize them when you see them.
good thoughts,
Ki