CDr55

Hi all. Sorry I have not posted much, but I just needed to get this off of my chest. I hope this post does not offend anyone.

I have been sober for over 9 months now, and I am going through somewhat of a difficult time. It seems that no matter what, I cannot live life on lifes terms. All it takes is for something to go wrong, and my whole mentality changes for the worse. I live life constantly with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I am 27 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD ever since I was a kid.

I've gone to AA meetings, and overall, I just did not feel the benefits. They were highly time-consuming and repetitive. Often times, people would just discount my problems, and I felt that what I learned was everything was my fault. I realize that I am a self-centered high maintenance individual, and AA just served as a reminder of my short comings. I know that life can be a whole lot worse, but that does not necessarily change the pain I feel. I just never stop worrying or thinking.

I have been in school for ten years, and still do not have a college degree. I am gay, which I do not know why, but I hate about myself. I am Christian, and struggling with my beliefs as well. It seems overall, that lately I have just had a lack of faith. I am a loner, and do not make an effort to make friends. It seems as though I always do something to screw things up.

Overall, I just feel inhuman and restricted. It is amazing how after 9 months of sobriety, I can discount all the pain that drinking has caused me. Sobriety feels as though the lights went out on my party, and now I am either forced to live a depressed wannabe saint-like existance, or die from alcoholic pancreatitis or a liver explosion.

I know that drinking will not make things better, but it does kill the pain and makes me feel somewhat human and alive, even if it is for only a short time.

Sorry again if this post offended anybody.