Sounds to me like both of you could use a program. Not to say that you don't have one, that might have sounded wrong, lets start over..... Sounds like he needs a program and maybe Alanon would help you out too. If you haven't already, go visit the Alanon boards too! Sheesh, was that any better? Anyways, I can relate to both sides of this considering I was in Alanon before I endowed myself a member of AA
Kind of a strange order to go in I know... I amaze even myself. But seriously, you already know you cant make your husband WANT to go to AA or to work any program, but you CAN reach out for yourself and find some peace. Alanon gave those tools to me when I needed them. It made it so much easier to deal with my A at the time. I am not an expert here..... just a suggestion
Hope I didnt sound rude at first! Good luck to you!