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Just a quick question........

Old 06-05-2003, 06:26 AM
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Just a quick question........


My husband is an A. He is very dry right now. He seems very selfish, stubborn, controlling of the relationship, never wants to talk about anything regarding feelings. I just don't feel like he even cares about me. Says he doesn't need AA meetings. I don't force any issues with him. I was just wanting to know from the people on this message board if this is just all the dry drunk behaviors. He seems to have two emotions anger and immaturity. I am being patient. Any suggestions at all would help out alot!!!!!! Thanks everyone. Lolobug
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Old 06-05-2003, 07:25 AM
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Hi lolo and welcome.

What you described sounds exactly like me when I was not drinking, and not working on my recovery either. I need to work on recovery over and above quitting drink, to help keep me from drinking again, and to learn how to live and function and deal with all the trash that can build up in my head.

My only suggestion would be to try and take care of you. If you get a chance, visit our Al-Anon Forum and browse around. You'll find your not alone and you don't have to be either.

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Old 06-05-2003, 07:53 AM
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Hi lolo,
Doug gave a good suggestion about the Al-anon forum here. After you check that out, find out where an Al-anon meeting is and go there in person, and talk face to face with other women who've been through what you're going through.
Sounds like your husband is just "not drinking." Without working the steps, I believe it's only a matter of time before he drinks again. That's just my feeling!! He may hang on for years. Question is, how much of his behavior do you want to tolerate. My wife came into AA 23 days short of a year before I did. I believe today that the only thing that saved us was me going to Al-anon....just to help the poor sick woman, don't you know?? Her AA friends told her not to make any big decisions in the first year. Thank God for them. We've now been married over 40 years and we still have to work on getting along...:p Go figure!!
In your case, I'd suggest what Doug said so that no matter what happens with you hubby, you'll be able to survive and be healthy. I wouldn't want to see you crash with him. Get some support...it's out there.
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Old 06-05-2003, 09:16 AM
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Sounds to me like both of you could use a program. Not to say that you don't have one, that might have sounded wrong, lets start over..... Sounds like he needs a program and maybe Alanon would help you out too. If you haven't already, go visit the Alanon boards too! Sheesh, was that any better? Anyways, I can relate to both sides of this considering I was in Alanon before I endowed myself a member of AA Kind of a strange order to go in I know... I amaze even myself. But seriously, you already know you cant make your husband WANT to go to AA or to work any program, but you CAN reach out for yourself and find some peace. Alanon gave those tools to me when I needed them. It made it so much easier to deal with my A at the time. I am not an expert here..... just a suggestion Hope I didnt sound rude at first! Good luck to you!
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Old 06-05-2003, 03:32 PM
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He definately sounds like a dry drunk! Doug, Music, and Letting Go have already given you all the good advice.

I'l just throwing in my voice to give you support! Get thee to Al Anon!!

Take care of yourself and visit whenever you please!
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Old 06-06-2003, 05:11 AM
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If he won't go to AA, maybe he should try RR. All he has to do is read a book and it may change his attitude about things. It sure did for me.
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Old 06-06-2003, 05:55 AM
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I would love it if he would read books. The big book and an entire folder of papers regarding alcoholism, quotes from the internet, etc., lay on the kitchen table never touched. If he read these things, how could his attitude not change? I know he is afraid and doesn't want to face the facts. I wish he would stop being so angry about the world and let his guard down just once. Just give up the fight. Thank you all so much for your wisdom. And congrats to all of you and best of luck on your road to a bigger, better life.........Lolobug
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Old 06-06-2003, 01:32 PM
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I was referring specifically to the RR book. It's very different than anything else. Quite opposite of AA though, so some may be turned off by it. However, if he says "I don't need no stinkin' AA!", this might be just the ticket.
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Old 06-06-2003, 04:56 PM
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Hi lolobug! ( such a cute nick)

I agree with the ole wise ones above. You should begin taking care of yourself and try the alanon meetings if you can. Also the forums here are good as you probably are aware.

Hubby is angry with himself and only he can get the help he needs to overcome these emotions of anger, pity, and conflict within himself.

Unfortunatly, you must remain patient during all of this. I can only pray for you that he will find a way to make it to either a counselor, a minister, or even better yet an AA meeting. I fear his anger and self hatred will only lead him to the bottle again, while trying to stay sober alone (without the fellowship of other alcoholics). Has he visited our forum here? If he uses the computer maybe you can "accidently" leave it on one day so this site comes up when he goes on. I don't mean to be sneaky but I feel your turmoil, and know his.

In the mean time take care of yourself! I pray hubby can find happiness again.
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Old 06-07-2003, 08:43 AM
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Thanks everyone. These message boards and al-anon are the only things that seem to keep me with my sanity right now. You all mean the world to me. Lolobug
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