One of the things that I found so wonderful about the program was precisely the fact that nobody tells you what to do about any given situation. Suggestions, alternative ways of handling something.....but definately noone telling you which way to choose on major decisions.
When I was younger, 12 or 13 or so, I watched my Mother become a Christian. Dad was drinking and always angry at the time, we had only been in Canada for a few years and he was still adjusting to the climate and the culture, working a very demanding job and coming home grumpy and drinking was just a part of it all. My mother stopped drinking, was much happier and there was more singing around the house for that little while. She too, reported wondering then if she should stay or leave.
At the time my Dad was very angry with her because she had stopped drinking with him. By some miracle she had become quite content with drinking orange juice at the bar when her and Dad went out and he was extremely ticked with this.......calling her a goody goody and other names that I care not to mention. She, too, went for counselling from the pastor and was reminded of her vows and the little things in the bible that say she was to stay and allow him to leave if he so wanted to. So she stayed. The pastor even told her 'what harm was there in the odd drink or two now and again". And so she went back to drinking because Dad had ordered her practically to do so.
In one way I thank Mom for trying so hard. She did give us all the benefits of all staying in the same house. But at what costs? Our household was ruled by fear. For the most part I could feel only contempt for this woman who was my mother whom my father could not and would not show even an ounce of respect for. I learned to hate women, to hate myself. To hate men and to hate the whole dance that goes on between them. I threw myself into music to ease the pain, was molested by the teacher of the band, lied to cover up for him, drank, and did many things that were extremely high risk because that as I saw it, was the only way I could escape the ordeal of my parents marriage.
I was date-raped in my first year of University....though it happened at a time when date-rape was not really recognized and I had grown up with the very clear message that women did NOT say no. I became pregnant from that rape and when he proposed marriage I sort council from my parents who told me that clearly this man loved me, clearly I had loved him or I would not have been there with him, and clearly it would better for the child if I married him and gave that child the beneift of both parents.
And so we married and I spent the next 3 years in silent torture. My body was not my own and I was raped frequently. After the birth of my daughter and with him away at basic training, I finally got to talk to another single mother, a native.....who my mother at the time had only contempt and fear for because she was native and a single mother. It mattered not that her house was far cleaner than mine, that she was happier than mine, that her children were happier than mine.......it mattered only that she was a single mother and a native. But this woman gave me the idea that life could indeed be better alone than in the marriage and so I did leave.....staying at the womens shelter for a short time and basically hiding from everyone who knew me for fear of what he would do.
I went on from there to go back to university and after trying impossible work loads for two years, attempted suicide. I was 22 years old, 5 feet 7 and weighed about 90 lb's if I was lucky. That was when I first entered into some kind of recovery--counselling where I was weighed weekly and started to look at some of the things that got me to where I was. I didn't stay with that counsellor for long....I had entered a group therapy thing for women who were survivors of childhood sexual assult and some of the things that he claimed just didn't seem to fit well with me. I didn't recognize this at first, just knew that I felt uncomfortable there and frequently would forget to go. Eventually I began to understand that he, though a very good counsellor, just wasn't what I needed at that point and so I went to the Assult Center and found wonderful counselling through that.
During all of this time and for the next couple of years, my mother would call when things got so bad in her marriage that she needed somewhere to go. I would tell her what I thought and she would cry and a day later she would call again and tell me not to interfere. She was still going under the premise that if she left my father it meant that she would be not only failing Dad, but also failing God and those vows that she took so seriously. Eventually I couldn't handle anymore and moved with yet another dangerous parnter to the other side of the country.
During that year, my mother was to attempt suicide 3 or 4 times, each time coming that much closer to deaths door. Eventually she found A.A. stopped her own drinking and left him. That was about the happiest piece of news in my life concerning my parents because over the years I had watched my mother die a slow death from the inside out. Leaving him, despite the fact that I loved my Dad dearly, meant that I would eventually have 2 parents....and in my heart I knew this.
My father went on to marry again and through his second marriage I got to see another way of dealing with relationships. He still drank and the lady he married drinks also. But Cathy is a very different lady from my mother and had not the 34 years of history that they had had. The FIRST time he tried being violent with her, he ended up spending a night in jail, 5 nights on my couch and having a court case to deal with. He has never been phsyciall violent again and although at times he still tries the control trips with Cathy, usually they don't go very far because SHE won't let them.
My mother, I still have contact with and although she is still single, I do think she is much happier. She goes to meetings, goes to church, sings in the choir and is alot younger than her 60 something years of age. Although she is out in the praries and I am more Eastern Canada, she and I still have a relationship. I am now extremely proud of my mother and I thank her for the lessons she has given me. I am also rather proud of my father despite his still drinking. He has mellowed since the divorce and grown up some. And although they put each other through alot of pain, I can see more clearly now how they were both responsible for the things that happened and how they were both controlled by a mass of spiritual unhealth.
I say this story, not to try and persuade you one way or another. I chose over and over again to leave the relationships when it became apparant that I could not continue with it and remain healthy. My middle son's father is one I tried hardest with and at that time I learned that even though he was/is in some sort of recovery, the patterns that we had quickly built up with relating to each other were somewhat akin to lighting a match in a chemical plant. Despite all of our best efforts at going to counselling, anger management.....despite it all......the most loving thing at that time and even now....is just to walk away and allow him to do his thing and me to do mine. Because in staying I am very much aware that the possiblility is very real that the kids would eventually end up with only one parent alive and the other in jail.
To an outsider my parents appeared to have a somewhat functional family. Nobody knew about the molesting I went through, and I became on of the best in the band and in all of Canada on that particular instrument. I was top of my class in school and always managed to do extremely well in whatever it was that I did. I had to. The whole structure of the family depended upon it.
What I am trying to say, is that no one really knows what will happen down the road should you decide to stay or should you decide to go. I don't think that God wants us to stay in a relationship that kills one or both parents from the inside out though and neither do I adhere to much of the Christian values governing this anymore. What I did find out through my own investigations though was that for if when you marry it is because of pregnancy or one or both of you are using at the time, the marriage has grounds for annulement because it was not through choice or with a clear mind.
True it is good if a marriage can stay together for the kids. It would be far better to be raised by both parents. But from the perspective of a person who's parents did stay together mainly for the 'kids' well.....even at a 6 or 7 from outside appearances....the consequences can be pretty brutal.
I would just counsel you with one thought. If you don't know something (stay or leave) then it is usually time to do nothing and just to try and do your program, recover as much as you can and wait for clarity. If it comes that you can not stay with this person without undue internal harm to yourself......then you have your answer. If in time, with him being in recovery and you being in recovery, your relationship grows closer and you are both able to be happy together......then you also have your answer.
We are to live one day at a time. Perhaps trying to give an answer about something that may or may not happen further down the road in order to answer a counsellor.....is just not what you are supposed to do. Perhaps that answer will just have to be "I don't know at this time" and he will have to live with that.
Best wishes