Originally Posted by Beachbabe
I didnt cry for 10 years Anna. Literally. Now, a baby on a commercial makes me cry. Writing what makes me cry, makes me cry. I have had some really bad thoughts that we dont talk about here but they are fleating and only thoughts.
Maybe I am so unhappy because I havent posted in awhile. Feeling alone in this again. Maybe I just need to go and hide somewhere and cry. Maybe I should be ok with just doing it. Crying scares me and I hold my breath to stop it until I practically pass out. NOONE has ever seen me cry. Noone. It scares me because when I begin to sob I start to feel like Im going to snap and go crazy... it sounds stupid but to me its a true fear.
Hi-Beachbabe-It is called FEELING. You are not used to that emotion. You were so numbed out for so long that it never even came into the picture. I know that only too well.I had members of my family pass away and I never even shed a tear. It is sad to me now as I reflect back. I was so sick. You will get through this, it is just going to take some work. I am glad you are crying. I can cry now when my friend gets a new baby, when my youngest brother and the other sane member of my dysfunctional family died in his sleep...I cried nonstop for 3 days. My eyes were almost swollen shut. Congtaulations on your clean time. You deserve to be GOOD to yourself. That you are not used to either. We had such low self esteem, we were always used to being, put down, shut out, told to shut up, or just plain ignored....usually as children. I had the absolute worst Mother, BUT I used and SHE did not make me. It was MY fault. Today, I live a very happy, CLEAN life of 6 years. I deliberately went cold turkey off Dilaudid and MOrphine so that I could remember the horrible way I felt so that when I was detoxed, I would NEVER do it again....I never have. I wish you PEACE. I wish you serenity....that serenity prayer says it all...the things we cannot change....OH, how many of those do you have? I have a lot. I am hoping that you keep talking here and get your answers....Many Blessings and Prayers.....Kahlia