Notices

Checking in...

Old 03-31-2006, 06:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Beachbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
Checking in...

Hey New friends:

I just wanted to post in case anyone had taken an interest in me and was wondering how I am. Online you tend to take to certain people and those people may not even know it.

Anyway, Im still clean and sober. Nearing my 90 days which I want really bad (not sure why thats a milestone) but it is and its close.

Im not happy. Im not sad. Im unfortunately suffering from PAWS so to this day, withdrawal symptoms are a part of my life. With my Paws, I still have to change my sheets everyday because the night sweats and cold chills remain. Because of that, I sleep in 2-4 hour intrivals. Or I dont go back to sleep at all which is usually the case.

I was so cocky and so stupid. Thinking back I cant believe myself. But again, this is my first and last attempt at beating this so I just thought: Dont take a pill, puke, sweat and be on deaths door a few days a BOOM... fixed.

Positive side: Despite the dreams I have that I am going to score and wake up right before it happens in a cold sweat, I have no urge while awake. But, while sleeping I am very excited I am about to feel like myself again.

Pretty sad that being clean and sober is treating me so badly but through it I have learned that its much more than not eating a pill.

I also learned that being an addict isnt hard at all, recovery is a true test of character and commitment.

Before being humbled by this disease, I appreciate ya'll realizing I had no clue what lied ahead and still being compassionate. Dont hold my cockiness against me. If you knew me you would understand what I've been through... without it I wouldnt be here today and I certainly wouldnt be clean.

We must sometimes be camillions and be able to adapt to anything, thus becoming a product of our environment. Life dealt me the kind of hand that required me to A: crawl up in a ball and die or B: be a savy, street smart, educated, cocky ass bitch or life itself would have eaten me alive. I choose the later and make no apologies. Dont pity me. It all made me who I am today. Be it good or bad.

Im disappointed so many days have past and I still havent had one where I didnt feel like ****. Usually tight neck or extreme headache, 3 days with 2 hours sleep... whatever the case may be... life wasnt like this when I used. I was a normal person on a normal schedule.

Only now do I live like and addict. Up all the time. Never look or feel as well as I should... so hard to comunicate what I feel. But I tried so hard to try.

74 days clean. 10 yr hydrocodone user.

I hope all is well with everyone else. I dont know or understand why recovery isnt being as good to me as for ya'll.

I dont understand alot of things. Difference is, now Im sober, mature and humble enough to admit/realize it.
Beachbabe is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 06:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
recovery is a true test of character and commitment
Keep these words in the front of your mind. It's a strong statement. I need this right now, so thanks for saying it.
c'est la vie is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:08 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Well Beachbabe, I'm so glad that you posted. I've wondered how you were doing.

And, you've learned an invaluable lesson about addiction - that stopping the drinking/drugging is only the beginning. That's when the real work starts and it's hard to keep at it. But, it's the only road to choose to live a good a life. You can do this. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad after such a long time, but it's to your credit that you're sticking with it and going to beat this thing.

Keep posting because there is lots of support and encouragement and advice here.
Anna is online now  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Beachbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
I didnt cry for 10 years Anna. Literally. Now, a baby on a commercial makes me cry. Writing what makes me cry, makes me cry. I have had some really bad thoughts that we dont talk about here but they are fleating and only thoughts.

Maybe I am so unhappy because I havent posted in awhile. Feeling alone in this again. Maybe I just need to go and hide somewhere and cry. Maybe I should be ok with just doing it. Crying scares me and I hold my breath to stop it until I practically pass out. NOONE has ever seen me cry. Noone. It scares me because when I begin to sob I start to feel like Im going to snap and go crazy... it sounds stupid but to me its a true fear.
Beachbabe is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:35 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Living and Loving.
 
Sugasnaps's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Awesome post Beachbabe. Thank you.

You really are going to beat this... I love reading your posts and feeling your progress. You really give a good perspective of what we go through in our journey. I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I hope you can incorporate a lot of self-loving into your daily schedule cuz you deserve the pampering along with all the hard work you are doing while investing in your future.

Hang in there we are all cheering for you!

Suga
Sugasnaps is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:44 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Beachbabe,

I know how you feel with your emotions being so powerful right now. But, I think it's just because you medicated them away for so long. You have to get used to dealing with your feelings. Just feel them, accept them, and then let them flow away. They are only feelings and they can't hurt you. And, crying is good, though I understand the fear that it brings. I think it's probably a fear of losing control. I was ultimate control-freak until I stopped drinking. I was terrified that if I didn't hold on to everything, then my world would spin apart. Of course, that wasn't true and I lifted such a weight from my shoulders.

Have you tried journalling? I resisted that for so long, though someone from SR told me I should. I didn't want to see the words in writing, really didn't. But when I finally began, out of desparation, to journal, the feelings that I wrote about, flew away.
Anna is online now  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:50 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Charlene
 
Charlina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tempe, AZ
Posts: 40
Your doing great!!!!!!

Beachbabe:
I too a pill abuser. Mine was for 8 years and yes I too also thought to take pills was also to get "Normal" I understand your yearning for these I have been off of them for 6 months. I was very bad on Adderall and have been off of that since 1- 05. I had those hooking up dreams and how good they felt when sleeping, but you know what felt even better. It was when I woke up and realized it certainly was JUST a dream and I am glad that I did not take a choice to pick it up and actually take it. It was the high of hooking up I think I loved the drama it all created. IT gave me a power feeling of being able to use my street smarts savy energy that I had to do it all. Sometimes having many and enough for days but still calling people to have them hurry up and get over to the house, and calling them every 10 min to find out where the hell they are. I look back and realize how sick of a behavior that is and I hope that you and I both take that energy and apply it to healthy living. I dropped weight through the years of my use and was that skinny pill user very obvious from my appearance. I was soooo into addiction and centered my whole thoughts on getting the next that I forgot about loving my family and my son who at the time was 2. I lost my husband and my son for a short while to this addiction and am still very mad at it. I hold this madness very important to me. I hope that I stay mad at this obsessive addiction for me. I for a short while turned to alchol for a while and realized that, that also as we both know is also a drug. During my whole stint with pills I didnt touch a drop but after not being on them and getting off of my anit depressents I tried commiting suicide due to the cycle i could not get out of. Enough of my rambling sorry!!!! but I understand totally where you are and where you have been. I have also been a chamillion but it sounds like you can realize when you are one. That is the gift of recover is to realize when we are momentarily insane. But the serious of all recovering addicts perfect this and become clean for time. Your upcoming 90 days are awesome congrats and i hope that this site also gives you courage and serenity that it gives to me. I have had bad days also. Matter of fact the begining of this week was very bad for me. I was plotting ways to get. But I have since moved away from people places and things. I realize that geographical addiction is possible and I saw that little mother FU***** sneeking up on me and went and got some self help books for myself. Here is the one for today hopefully it will help you leap over to that 90 days:

"Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul"

Its very early spring, its still damp and cold. Through the snow has melted off the garden beds, the debris of winter is all thats evident. I stoop down and pull off a bit of matted leaves here and there, pull back the few branches of evergreen left over from the holidays, and Im amazed to see the little shoots of bulbs and perennials clearly showing above the soil. I am always reminded that, each spring the new shoots in the garden return and soon blossom into flowers. I also remember that I too experience new growth all the time, especially after I clear the debris of what's no longer needed in my life.

Thought for the day in the book:

Criticism, like rain,
Should be gentle
enough to nourish a
man's growth without
destroying his roots.
Frank A Clark
Charlina is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 07:56 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Hi Beachbabe,

Nice the hear from you, and I'm happy that you are doing well!

Steve
Steve58 is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 08:37 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Putting it all together
 
Kahlia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
I didnt cry for 10 years Anna. Literally. Now, a baby on a commercial makes me cry. Writing what makes me cry, makes me cry. I have had some really bad thoughts that we dont talk about here but they are fleating and only thoughts.

Maybe I am so unhappy because I havent posted in awhile. Feeling alone in this again. Maybe I just need to go and hide somewhere and cry. Maybe I should be ok with just doing it. Crying scares me and I hold my breath to stop it until I practically pass out. NOONE has ever seen me cry. Noone. It scares me because when I begin to sob I start to feel like Im going to snap and go crazy... it sounds stupid but to me its a true fear.
Hi-Beachbabe-It is called FEELING. You are not used to that emotion. You were so numbed out for so long that it never even came into the picture. I know that only too well.I had members of my family pass away and I never even shed a tear. It is sad to me now as I reflect back. I was so sick. You will get through this, it is just going to take some work. I am glad you are crying. I can cry now when my friend gets a new baby, when my youngest brother and the other sane member of my dysfunctional family died in his sleep...I cried nonstop for 3 days. My eyes were almost swollen shut. Congtaulations on your clean time. You deserve to be GOOD to yourself. That you are not used to either. We had such low self esteem, we were always used to being, put down, shut out, told to shut up, or just plain ignored....usually as children. I had the absolute worst Mother, BUT I used and SHE did not make me. It was MY fault. Today, I live a very happy, CLEAN life of 6 years. I deliberately went cold turkey off Dilaudid and MOrphine so that I could remember the horrible way I felt so that when I was detoxed, I would NEVER do it again....I never have. I wish you PEACE. I wish you serenity....that serenity prayer says it all...the things we cannot change....OH, how many of those do you have? I have a lot. I am hoping that you keep talking here and get your answers....Many Blessings and Prayers.....Kahlia
Kahlia is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 10:02 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Beachbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
I am reading... just cant write now. Working through thoughts and feelings.

Ya'll kick ass. Wish I could hug you. This support is helping tremendouly. I went off SR trying to focuse on not being an addict and in the time away I deteriorated.

I need ya'll. I need people. I need to relax. The world isnt after me. Is it?
Beachbabe is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 10:29 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Living and Loving.
 
Sugasnaps's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
No the world isn't after you. Just that insecure, lying, underhanded, tricky addiction... that is the only thing that is truly after you. I'm so glad you are here.

~hugs hugs hugs~

Suga
Sugasnaps is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 11:07 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
We all need each other.
 
lulu70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
If you knew me you would understand what I've been through... without it I wouldnt be here today and I certainly wouldnt be clean.
In a lot of ways we do know you, hon'. So many of us have been through the same sort of misery, the same cocky facade hiding all the true pain. That's why we try to understand and be patient with newcomers. It truly is so very hard in the beginning.
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
It scares me because when I begin to sob I start to feel like Im going to snap and go crazy... it sounds stupid but to me its a true fear.
I STILL have that fear sometimes. Like, if I let myself start crying I am never going to be able to stop. Of course, those feelings were much more intense in the first year than they are now. I have learned that sometimes I just have to let the crying happen. I usually feel better after.

I am really glad you posted and so appreciate your honesty. Keep hanging in there, honey. And we are here for you anytime--all you have to do is ask!!
lulu70 is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 03:25 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Beachbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
That is exactly how it feels, like I'll snap and never be able to stop and end up rocking back and forth in a corner going dah dah dah dah... it is a true fear. As rediculous as it probably sounds.

I fight it so hard I have literally passed out from holding my breath to keep from crying. Obsurd.

I am very grateful for all of you. I feel better. Just knowing someone gives a damn is enough to pull one back from the ledge a bit... not that Im there but I have romanced thoughts and thats MORE than enough.

So, I got my ass back here. I know I seem hard core but I am a sweet girl. Just seems noone/thing will allow me to be that girl.

Gotta fight like a rapid dog and Im learning alot of that is because I EXPECT a fight so I already have my gloves on and hopping up and down. Maybe if I put my gloves away people will take me differently.

Though everytime I have ever tried that all that happened is people mistake my kindness for weakness and they eventually get my wrath anyway.
Beachbabe is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 03:44 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Phinneas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
Gotta fight like a rapid dog and Im learning alot of that is because I EXPECT a fight so I already have my gloves on and hopping up and down. Maybe if I put my gloves away people will take me differently.
BB - welcome back and congrats on your clean days.

I will be 18 months clean and sober next month and I still get intermittant PAWS symptoms. I promise you, the DO get better with time. Going back just makes them worse and last longer.

Second, I learned that in recovery, some people need to toughen up and some people need to soften up. You and I are of the latter variety. Try to be more open, more loving, more giving. Baby steps. That, too, can get better.

Also, some form of formal recovery program was essential to my sobriety. Maybe you will consider it again...?
Phinneas is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 04:31 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
We all need each other.
 
lulu70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
As rediculous as it probably sounds.
It doesn't sound ridiculous at all to me. Not at all. I have that EXACT same fear. Not always anymore, but I still fear it, none-the-less. I'm there with ya, hon'. Thing is, it has never actually happened. I have cried my ever-loving eyes out--cried until I threw up, but I have always eventually stopped. Maybe you have a friend you could call to come over just to keep an eye on you? Someone who can be there while you cry? My sponsor was AMAZING for that.

Keep posting, BB. I can tell you are really getting some stuff out. That's good.
lulu70 is offline  
Old 03-31-2006, 04:46 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Originally Posted by Beachbabe
I went off SR trying to focuse on not being an addict and in the time away I deteriorated.
Beachbabe, the way I look at it I'm a mother, wife, friend, volunteer, addict. Yes, you are an addict, but you're many other things too and being an addict will never be the only thing you are.

And, it's true, that what you put out is what comes back to you. I couldn't understand why my friends used to treat me badly. They never really cared or showed me respect. Now I realize that it was me who didn't care about myself and didn't show respect to myself. Since I have changed, I have met the most awesome women.

I have no doubt that you are a sweet and generous person, but I believe that when you are an active addict you don't love, or even like yourself. I just think I couldn't have done the things to myself that I did, had I cared about myself. I think recovery and learning to like and love yourself go hand in hand and that's what you're doing now!
Anna is online now  
Old 04-01-2006, 06:31 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Beachbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
It is ok to cry... Im wont freak and go loo loo.

These people here are for me not against me.

I do not have to go through life as if it were a fight to the death. Im not a child anymore and I have power over my life now. Therefore I am going to remind myself I DO NOT have to foresee a battle before it happens.

I am an addict but I am way more than that. That is the smallest part of me that exists, in reality, despite the fact it seems in the fore front often.

I can try to be the sweet girl I am ONE MORE TIME in life and see how situations turn out. Expect a fight, get a fight. Expect things to work out, they work out. The world is not out to get me. Why would it be... I am not special... not like people have the time to go out of their way to mess with me.

I need SR so I can feel as supported daily as I feel this morning.
Beachbabe is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:06 PM.