Checking in...
Hey New friends:
I just wanted to post in case anyone had taken an interest in me and was wondering how I am. Online you tend to take to certain people and those people may not even know it.
Anyway, Im still clean and sober. Nearing my 90 days which I want really bad (not sure why thats a milestone) but it is and its close.
Im not happy. Im not sad. Im unfortunately suffering from PAWS so to this day, withdrawal symptoms are a part of my life. With my Paws, I still have to change my sheets everyday because the night sweats and cold chills remain. Because of that, I sleep in 2-4 hour intrivals. Or I dont go back to sleep at all which is usually the case.
I was so cocky and so stupid. Thinking back I cant believe myself. But again, this is my first and last attempt at beating this so I just thought: Dont take a pill, puke, sweat and be on deaths door a few days a BOOM... fixed.
Positive side: Despite the dreams I have that I am going to score and wake up right before it happens in a cold sweat, I have no urge while awake. But, while sleeping I am very excited I am about to feel like myself again.
Pretty sad that being clean and sober is treating me so badly but through it I have learned that its much more than not eating a pill.
I also learned that being an addict isnt hard at all, recovery is a true test of character and commitment.
Before being humbled by this disease, I appreciate ya'll realizing I had no clue what lied ahead and still being compassionate. Dont hold my cockiness against me. If you knew me you would understand what I've been through... without it I wouldnt be here today and I certainly wouldnt be clean.
We must sometimes be camillions and be able to adapt to anything, thus becoming a product of our environment. Life dealt me the kind of hand that required me to A: crawl up in a ball and die or B: be a savy, street smart, educated, cocky ass bitch or life itself would have eaten me alive. I choose the later and make no apologies. Dont pity me. It all made me who I am today. Be it good or bad.
Im disappointed so many days have past and I still havent had one where I didnt feel like ****. Usually tight neck or extreme headache, 3 days with 2 hours sleep... whatever the case may be... life wasnt like this when I used. I was a normal person on a normal schedule.
Only now do I live like and addict. Up all the time. Never look or feel as well as I should... so hard to comunicate what I feel. But I tried so hard to try.
74 days clean. 10 yr hydrocodone user.
I hope all is well with everyone else. I dont know or understand why recovery isnt being as good to me as for ya'll.
I dont understand alot of things. Difference is, now Im sober, mature and humble enough to admit/realize it.