Hi Ranae-
It is so difficult isn't it? Loving someone so much but keeping that healthy boundary. First, yes as others said, I implore you to go back to Alanon. Give it more time, and focus on yourself, not the alcoholic. Remember what you learn there, not who you meet. And you will hear of a great Alanon saying, a teaching in fact, called deatching with love. I personally belive this is the answer. It was for me to others in my life. And it was for someone else who saved me from myself.
You can love someone, but detach. You are not detaching from them personally, but from the pain you are caused. From the problems you are caused. Deatching with love.
What your doing is not compassion although it seems like it. The word is called "enabling". I am sure you have heard this before. I know Jess how hard it is. Maybe tougher than anything in your life. But it IS neccessary if he has any chance of getting well. You cannot change an addict. He/she must want it for themselves. Please think about this. Alanon will show you the way, teach you the way, but you must do it yourself. One saying goes "I can do as much as I can, try as much as I can, and then let go!"
Here is a teaching from my teacher. And I will pray for your peace.
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Pema: Idiot compassion is a great expression, which was actually coined by Trungpa Rinpoche. It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it's whats called enabling. It's the general tendency to give people what they want because you can't bear to see them suffering. Basically, you're not giving them what they need. You're trying to get away from your feeling of I can't bear to see them suffering. In other words, you're doing it for yourself. You're not really doing it for them.
When you get clear on this kind of thing, setting good boundaries and so forth, you know that if someone is violent, for instance, and is being violent towards you —to use that as the example— it's not the compassionate thing to keep allowing that to happen, allowing someone to keep being able to feed their violence and their aggression. So of course, they're going to freak out and be extremely upset. And it will be quite difficult for you to go through the process of actually leaving the situation. But that's the compassionate thing to do.
It's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, because you're part of that dynamic, and before you always stayed. So now you're going to do something frightening, groundless, and quite different. But it's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, rather than stay in a demeaning, destructive, abusive relationship.
And it's the most compassionate thing you can do for them too. They will certainly not thank you for it, and they will certainly not be glad. They'll go through a lot. But if there's any chance for them to wake up or start to work on their side of the problem, their abusive behavior or whatever it might be, that's the only chance, is for you to actually draw the line and get out of there.
We all know a lot of stories of people who had to hit that kind of bottom, where the people that they loved stopped giving them the wrong kind of compassion and just walked out. Then sometimes that wakes a person up and they start to do what they need to do.