Fiya

Boy oh boy......let's see.....hello to all on the board. Trying not to sound like a fool, have rose colored glasses on, etc. I have a story to share and I hope someone available has the heart to help me to sort thru these feelings I'm having right now and to try and put things in perspective.

Here goes,

10 months ago I met a woman online in a chat room and after a 10 minute conversation we decided to try a phone call, hit it off IMMEDIATELY and talked everyday....for at least 4 - 5 hours a day...for the next 3 months. There had never been a women in my life before that I cared for as much as I had grown to care for her. We'd spend hours finishing each other's sentences, talking about things we had in come such as family values and how we grew up, relationships we'd been in with old friends and how we grew from those experiences.... I could go on and on but to make a long story short, we agreed upon a visit, me coming from the east coast to fly out to the west coast to see her.

From the day I got there we were like old friends that hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. Man if you could have seen us, you'd think we'd been married for 30 years.....and I mean one of those long rare good marriages where two people that could have grown to that stage wherein they "level off" not doing things they once did for one another, STILL act as if they are courting in high school, but are committed one to another, two peas in a pod, I have your back-you have mine, we function as a TEAM...as one...we love each other.

This was August of last year I got there and I ended up staying. I found a good job full time, and a small part time job without having to sacrifice any of our personal time together. Money was decent, I was finishing up self paced studies on financial management, investing, and finacial skill that would enable me to establish, and build residual income. Money I'd make for a one-time effort, for the rest of my life.

Soon we were able to move into a small apartment in a seemingly quiet neighborhood, both from what we'd observed and from what the apartment manager told us when we questioned him about the area. It turns out that the area was a crack haven. This was November of last year..... well.....we'd been there about a month and a half....and were in bed one afternoon and she looks over and tells me, "on new years eve I smoked crack with my cousin when she came to visit....I know that you were wondering why I was isolating myself from you and that is why." I looked at her in suprise.... After a long silence...I asked her if it had control of her because I've dealt with two family members that damn near went down the drain for that mess. She says, "No". Then she goes on to explain to me about the difference between a "smoker" and a "crack head". I simply said....that if she was gonna do it that she was to limit herself and not let it get out of control. Boy was I naive. She agreed and assured me it would'nt.

It went down hilll from there pretty much as day after day she'd lock herself in the bathroom or bedroom for hours on end. Then came the late night outings to around three to four o'clock in the morning. I knew where she'd been and what she'd been doing and asked less and less. Pretty soon money was growing short as I was continually paying back loans to people she'd owed that gave her a "piece" on credit. She even once dipped into our rent money to finance her high with the lost money being made up from our second source of income from my part time job. From there I started waking up at three in the morning to see strange and varied people leaving the house with her coming behind to shut the door as they went out in darkness.

As the days went by I began to fear what could possibly happen to me if I remained there or what might happen to her and the pain of seeing it. Plus I was living in agonizing pain watching her on a spiral. I had a feeling the police were watching the house and my suspicions were confirmed two days after leaving there (I'm back east now) when she told me that they had knocked the night before "asking" if someone there had called. And then again about a week ago.

Since returning to the east coast I have had sleepless night after sleepless night thinking about her, missing her, wondering "WHY"..... I have continuously called her with her rathering to get off the phone (I hear company in the background so I know they are in the backroom smoking) than talk to me. I've kept in contact with one of her relatives that she's closest to moreso than anyone in her family, and that I've developed a friendship with. This relative and she had a conversation the otherday wherein she stated to her relative that she was angry with me and does'nt "pay any attention" to me when I call. And when asked by her relative "why are you angry at him"....she says nothing. Just goes silent and won't answer.

I'm hurt by all of this. I'm dealing with the reality that our relationship is no more and where she may end up if she don't stop though I know it's pointless because she's gotta hit rock bottom before she quits. All I can think of are the times before she started smoking. The laughs....everything. If anyone can help me understand....please post? Thanks.