Originally Posted by ranae1221
I am going to insist that for him to stay here he must 1) Return to AA meetings 2) Attend his first appointment next week for treatment and continue attending. I plan on taking him so I know he went 3) I want him to write out a "safety plan", i.e. what he is to do when he feels the need to "numb" his pain, what are ways to cope with that instead of drinking 4) No alcohol on the property, including in the house and outside
Sounds like a lot of policing and caretaking is going to fall on your shoulders in order to have your father follow through with a recovery program. This is a lot of responsibility and can be pretty stressful -- keeping tabs on someone, following up, being on high alert for transgressions isn't a lot of fun, to be sure. In essence, you've taken on a parenting role to your parent which is natural as parents enter old age or become ill, but with an addict, it's quite different. I'm especially touched by it as you're only 25, a time when ideally you should be focused on expanding your own life and dreaming your own dreams and looking at how to go about fulfilling them.
That said, as you go down this road, it might help to be clear at the outset with both yourself and with him about what happens if he doesn't follow through. You've made a good start by articulating your expectations. What about your limits?
What happens if he has alcohol on the property or anywhere else for that matter? What are the immediate consequences and next steps? What happens if he resists attending an appointment or misses one? And how far are you willing to go to faciliate his attending treatment? Are you willing to attend with him as a support if he's willing and compliant? Are you willing to continue to support him in attending treatment if it requries coercion and threats? What role(s) are you willing to take on?
These may be difficult questions, but asking some of them now may help you have a sense of better control over what is good and isn't good for you -- not just for your dad. And it may make it easier to follow through for yourself if the worst happens and he doesn't maintain his commitment. 'Course we all want to hope for the best, but when there's already been relapses it's better to go in eyes open.
Of course, if you do get some clarification for yourself, making the consequences of not following through crystal clear to your father is critical. "I'm willing to help as long as ........ However, as soon as x, y, or z, happens, this is what will happen right away."
Can I also recommend a great book which you may have already come across? It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's helped me tremendously and may help you look at balancing self-care while trying to support your father.
best,
gf