Met with AH and his counselor...long
I’ve wanted to start this thread since I met with AH and his counselor on Tuesday, but the board has been busy and so have I, so here it is. It will probably be quite long….
First, there were a few things that came up that I thought might provoke some good discussion here.
1)She asked him if he had ever apologized for any of his unacceptable behavior. He answered, honestly, that the only apologies that he had ever given were in his own “defense” and were not really sincere. That part did not bother me as much as the fact that here he was, with the perfect opportunity to say something sincere, make even one tiny amend, and did he? No. Clearly, not ready…..
2)She observed that the “roles” in our marriage seemed to be more of a parent/child rather than a wife/husband. Or, more precisely, the frustrated parent of a rebellious teenager. This did not surprise me one bit, as I have often felt this way. She told him he had some growing up to do. LOL
3)She also pointed out that in arguments, the real issues are often skirted. The example being when we argue about money, the real issue is how one does not value the other as a person, but as a paycheck. I’m sure there are other examples of communicating “between the lines.”
4)There was also some discussion about sabotaging behavior. If he does do the work, I need to make sure I don’t go back to my old ways because that will likely set him back to his old ways, too. In other words, it will only work if we are BOTH ready to make serious permanent changes.
Another subject that was discussed, was how I feel about reconciliation. I told them both that I had not ruled it out, but that I was not ready at this point to seriously consider it in the near future. I asked for guidance in putting together a plan for goals we could both set and when they are met, then we can talk about maybe living under the same roof again. During this part of the discussion, he pretty much didn’t say a word as this was clearly not what he wanted to hear. She told me that if he continues counseling, she will ask me to participate periodically when appropriate to work on communication and coming up with a plan of some sort. This puts the ball squarely in his court (to continue counseling) and I am pleased about that.
We (me and AH) have only talked a couple of times since then, but I have noticed that he is not nearly as cooperative and “nice” since then. True colors, and all that. I guess I was hoping a little too hard that he was ready to do some real work on himself. I know that I am ready and am already doing some real work on myself, so I guess if he ever does get there, I’ll be prepared. And if he doesn’t, well, I’m on the road to a better life without him.
All in all, it was quite a reality check, but still left me feeling really good about the progress I have made. I also had a very interesting dream last night, but this is long enough already, so I will post that in another thread one day.
L