Met with AH and his counselor...long

Old 03-03-2006, 07:46 PM
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Met with AH and his counselor...long

I’ve wanted to start this thread since I met with AH and his counselor on Tuesday, but the board has been busy and so have I, so here it is. It will probably be quite long….

First, there were a few things that came up that I thought might provoke some good discussion here.

1)She asked him if he had ever apologized for any of his unacceptable behavior. He answered, honestly, that the only apologies that he had ever given were in his own “defense” and were not really sincere. That part did not bother me as much as the fact that here he was, with the perfect opportunity to say something sincere, make even one tiny amend, and did he? No. Clearly, not ready…..
2)She observed that the “roles” in our marriage seemed to be more of a parent/child rather than a wife/husband. Or, more precisely, the frustrated parent of a rebellious teenager. This did not surprise me one bit, as I have often felt this way. She told him he had some growing up to do. LOL
3)She also pointed out that in arguments, the real issues are often skirted. The example being when we argue about money, the real issue is how one does not value the other as a person, but as a paycheck. I’m sure there are other examples of communicating “between the lines.”
4)There was also some discussion about sabotaging behavior. If he does do the work, I need to make sure I don’t go back to my old ways because that will likely set him back to his old ways, too. In other words, it will only work if we are BOTH ready to make serious permanent changes.

Another subject that was discussed, was how I feel about reconciliation. I told them both that I had not ruled it out, but that I was not ready at this point to seriously consider it in the near future. I asked for guidance in putting together a plan for goals we could both set and when they are met, then we can talk about maybe living under the same roof again. During this part of the discussion, he pretty much didn’t say a word as this was clearly not what he wanted to hear. She told me that if he continues counseling, she will ask me to participate periodically when appropriate to work on communication and coming up with a plan of some sort. This puts the ball squarely in his court (to continue counseling) and I am pleased about that.

We (me and AH) have only talked a couple of times since then, but I have noticed that he is not nearly as cooperative and “nice” since then. True colors, and all that. I guess I was hoping a little too hard that he was ready to do some real work on himself. I know that I am ready and am already doing some real work on myself, so I guess if he ever does get there, I’ll be prepared. And if he doesn’t, well, I’m on the road to a better life without him.

All in all, it was quite a reality check, but still left me feeling really good about the progress I have made. I also had a very interesting dream last night, but this is long enough already, so I will post that in another thread one day.

L
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Old 03-03-2006, 08:00 PM
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Hey- at least you went to counseling!! LOL- I'm not even willing to do that with my AH at this point. I think it was great that you were very honest in your session. Of course it was not what he wanted to hear. He and only he can take the responsibility for his recovery. He knows that it's all up to him now- "mommy's" not there to bail him out anymore. It ain't gonna be so easy.

My AH and I have the mother/son thing kicking over here too. I think most A/codie relationship are naturally like this b/c of our "caregiver" tendencies. Well, I'm glad things went the way they did b/c you are right- you'll have a better life without him through your own recovery and/or else he'll wake up and stand on his own for once. It's a win/win situation.
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Old 03-03-2006, 09:15 PM
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La....you are showing incredible strength. Good work on you!!


ps....I can't wait to hear about that dream.
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Old 03-04-2006, 03:41 AM
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Sounds like the session was good for you whether he does anything with it or not! He probably had expectations built up that just being at the counselor's office was sufficient to win you back and lo and behold, there is going to be "work" involved! Oh crap!! He might have to look at himself. Holy crap! I'm not saying this to be funny or making light of it. Few people who are alcohlics want to work on themselves. They drink to escape reality and life so the prospect of having to do something about ourselves is not very appealing.

Give him time to digest all this and see what, if anything, he does next. In the meantime work on you and getting you healthy for that is all you have control over.

I think you are approaching all of this in a very healthy manner and I applaud you for that!

Hugs,
Kellye
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Old 03-04-2006, 06:19 AM
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2)She observed that the “roles” in our marriage seemed to be more of a parent/child rather than a wife/husband. Or, more precisely, the frustrated parent of a rebellious teenager.
Amen Brother, (I mean Sister). My ex went to counseling on a weekly basis for over a year. All the time in active addiction, active denial, and active quacking. Added to that taking ADs combined w/ the heavy drinking... a very volatile individual. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>


I once went to a session w/ her. The topic of her going back to work was raised by her counselor and when asked my opinion I gave it honestly. I said I thought her lack of motivation in getting her hours back was due to the fact that it would interfere w/ her alcohol consumption. My ex stood up, raged out on me for ruining her visit and stormed out of the office. The counselor and I just looked at each other and after a long pause, she said I should look into Al Anon.. LOL!!<o:p></o:p>

It sounds as though your H had to take a good hard look at himself and didn't like what he saw, I see it as a positive that he's taking that look at himself. Add to that you and the counselor might have "ganged up on him" in his perception of the events, (as was my case). This could help shake his thinking up a bit. Maybe for the better? You certainly have a better crack at it than my marriage did! Good luck.
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