have to start packing, keep hesitating...
Moving truck will be here friday morning along with my mom and I'm still sitting here, haven't packed a thing.
Right now, I'm depressed and anxious.
This weekend, AH and I went out and I haven't been able to post about it because honestly, I wasn't ready to hear the truth I knew I'd receive here.
We were out with a friend of AH's and his wife. I'm not exactly friends with the wife, as in we don't get together regularly but enjoy each other on occasion. Long story short, at the end of the night while in the bathroom, she confirmed my suspicion that AH cheated. As if I didn't have enough proof to begin with, she told me she saw them out at the same place several times, got that feeling something was up (she had never met me back then) and then that feeling was confirmed when this girl told her she had feelings for AH but didn't know what to do, blah blah blah. That's the summed up version.
So you know how I've wanted to have my suspicions validated? For so long, wishing some piece of information would fall upon my lap, I could leave guilt free then, blah blah blah. There it was this weekend, I had it. Guess what? Having it hasn't brought me what I thought it always would. AH is still denying it because everyone else is a liar except him, there is no way this girl could have told anyone that because nothing has ever happened between them, not even a kiss, not even any flirting, NOTHING. Also, maybe *I'M* just "making this stuff up" looking for a reason to leave, blah blah blah. It is absolute maddness. What's worse, my maddness. I STILL have the self doubt or am clinging to it. He told me he'd spend the rest of his life making sure I he never gives me a reason to doubt him, that he's so sorry he put himself in a position where I could have these doubts. He knows how it looks but it isn't that way, blah blah blah, same old promises.
What's different with me? honestly, NOT MUCH. I'm still out of control, full of anxiety, not knowing what to believe/do. I'm shocked at this. I thought all this time that if I had more information, my reaction wouldbe different to him. It doesn't work that way.
Something is terribly wrong here. I want to turn this around. I want MY reaction/response to be different. Please help me turn this around.