have to start packing, keep hesitating...

Old 02-28-2006, 05:50 AM
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have to start packing, keep hesitating...

Moving truck will be here friday morning along with my mom and I'm still sitting here, haven't packed a thing.

Right now, I'm depressed and anxious.

This weekend, AH and I went out and I haven't been able to post about it because honestly, I wasn't ready to hear the truth I knew I'd receive here.

We were out with a friend of AH's and his wife. I'm not exactly friends with the wife, as in we don't get together regularly but enjoy each other on occasion. Long story short, at the end of the night while in the bathroom, she confirmed my suspicion that AH cheated. As if I didn't have enough proof to begin with, she told me she saw them out at the same place several times, got that feeling something was up (she had never met me back then) and then that feeling was confirmed when this girl told her she had feelings for AH but didn't know what to do, blah blah blah. That's the summed up version.

So you know how I've wanted to have my suspicions validated? For so long, wishing some piece of information would fall upon my lap, I could leave guilt free then, blah blah blah. There it was this weekend, I had it. Guess what? Having it hasn't brought me what I thought it always would. AH is still denying it because everyone else is a liar except him, there is no way this girl could have told anyone that because nothing has ever happened between them, not even a kiss, not even any flirting, NOTHING. Also, maybe *I'M* just "making this stuff up" looking for a reason to leave, blah blah blah. It is absolute maddness. What's worse, my maddness. I STILL have the self doubt or am clinging to it. He told me he'd spend the rest of his life making sure I he never gives me a reason to doubt him, that he's so sorry he put himself in a position where I could have these doubts. He knows how it looks but it isn't that way, blah blah blah, same old promises.

What's different with me? honestly, NOT MUCH. I'm still out of control, full of anxiety, not knowing what to believe/do. I'm shocked at this. I thought all this time that if I had more information, my reaction wouldbe different to him. It doesn't work that way.

Something is terribly wrong here. I want to turn this around. I want MY reaction/response to be different. Please help me turn this around.
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Old 02-28-2006, 05:58 AM
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You know, if that bit of information doesn't make you see the light and get you packing, nothing will. Then prepare for a life of misery, lies and infidelity. And maybe an STD or two. Now, how's that for a slap upside the head?

On a gentler note...you're worth so much more and life has so much to offer you. You just have to reach out and take it. You've come this far in making the decisions and arrangements...God put this woman in your life giving you what you asked for. It's what you do with it that matters.

Blessings
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:09 AM
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((sunshine))

I agree with what gelfling has said. For me, 4 months down the road, I am so glad I went through with it (for the same reasons). I can tell you I felt exactly as you - try to believe that it may take a little while for the good of it all to sink in. Look, if it helps you get packin for now, no decision you make today is writ in stone. You seem to know in your heart that you have to go. Do what is best and right for you now and what is good for your life will come to you. Good luck and god bless.
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:19 AM
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thanks ya'll and yes gelfing, that smack of reality HELPS! It didn't feel harsh, it felt validating.

denny, you're right. I might feel this is good for me right now. I admit I am not in any position to make sense. Right now, I'm just going to borrow my reserve and work it out later.
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:25 AM
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Start small.... just go pack your socks. Then stop back in and read a bit... then pack just your underwear drawer.... a little bit here and there. Pretty soon, a momentum builds.

Just like everything, I guess. It starts with little stuff... then builds.

I like the idea of believing that this is not the END ALL OF EVERYTHING. This could be just some time apart while you work on your stuff and he works on his.... people do that.
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:26 AM
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He tells me "if I leave, that's it." so I don't view it as if I leave I could return. Also, I'm moving out of state.
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:30 AM
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Oh Sunshine You need to go and leave that insanity. Got to go but really feeling for you listen to BigSis one drawer at a time. Best Wishes
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:31 AM
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I think you have so many things to be anxious about .... moving, the information you received and of course his response and his empty promises.

Stay the course sunshine, it will all be fine when you are states away. Start packing just a small bag/box and let the work of packing alleviate some of your anxiety.

I know this isn't easy, but remember your resolve and your strength to make it happen. Your mom seems supportive, can you call her for some moral support? I also agree with Gelfling, this information was given to you for a reason by your HP, I just don't think you are accepting it in the spirit it was given to you. You are making it about you and it's not, it's all about him! (Sort of different since we all say "What about YOU?, but in this case, it's not about you, very confusing!)

I laugh to myself because he seems like the type of person who would be shown a picture of himself with his hand in the candy jar (so to speak), caught red handed, shown proof, and he would die denying it ever happened instead of just fessing up to his error and poor judgement. Don't you think that sort of thinking is coming from a demented mind?
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by sunshine003
He tells me "if I leave, that's it." so I don't view it as if I leave I could return. Also, I'm moving out of state.
Unless he's your higher power - LOL - he has no idea that "that's it." Look at what you wrote there - that you could not return. Maybe you won't want to. Maybe HE'LL want you to. You could move out of the country, it doesn't matter. Your life will take the path it is supposed to. I know this to be true. I also know how difficult that is to believe right now. Hang in there, you're doing great.
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Old 02-28-2006, 06:41 AM
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LOL, yes ASpouse, I do. Actually, one time when he told me (as if he was joking) that you never admit to anything....remember his "lie deny demand proof" motto. I asked him during us "joking", what if someone had a picture and he said, "a picture isn't proof" . I said, "what if someone saw you," he said, "how far away were they standing, the eyes can decieve..." He was telling me back then all about himself and how he'd respond to a situation like this, I just never thought I'd be in it.....I had blind trust back then and was able to think he was teasing.

I do know in my heart. I guess I just keep repeating my own pattern as well. I want to cling to what's comfortable for me and honestly, I'm not comfortable sticking up for myself or facing the truth. For now, I will pack one thing at a time as you guys suggested.

I also hope this is okay but I want all of you to know that even though I haven't been here long, I've grown to trust so many of you as if you were my friends. If I can't believe myself right now (and I can't believe I'm sitting here doubting myself) then I'm going to believe you guys.........I need to trust someone and I'm choosing to believe ME and you guys.

As far as relying on my mom for moral support as someone suggested, my mom is a great support and she wants me to leave. However, she gets so angry because she loves me that when I tell her of my doubts , she gets mad at me. She can't stand to hear that I'm hurting because she wants me to snap out of it and thinks he isn't worth a single tear. She says things trying to get me to see the light that so don't help. Like, "once you're gone he'll be with that girl, you'll see...." Maybe so but that does not help right now.
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Old 02-28-2006, 07:01 AM
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Oh my God, what is he talking about ..... you have a child together! Blowing smoke ... he's very "blustery" isn't he?
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Old 02-28-2006, 07:14 AM
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Got those socks packed, yet? (smile)

Little steps... tiny ones, at first. Don't try to look at the whole picture all at once.

Now... go pack those socks.
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Old 02-28-2006, 07:17 AM
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yes, I suppose he is. And you are also right that this is about him, not me. Obviously, he has some real issues with owning HIS choices and when faced with them, makes empty promises because as long as I accept his promises then I believe him in his eyes. If I believe him then he's won and to him, it's about winning. He's molded me to believe his lies. He doesn't want me to come out of that mold.

I also know in my heart that 25 years from now, when all has healed and we're beyond a point where any of this matters, he'd still deny it. He tells me I'm throwing our future away because I let other people convince me of things that aren't true....he's right only the "other people" are HIM and him alone.

He and I dated in high school and shortly into college. One morning I was leaving his apartment and he had a note on his car. I read it. It was from a girl saying how sorry she was she hurt him, blah blah blah. I crumbled the note up, marched back up to his door and threw it in his face as I left. He called me 20 minutes later telling me I didn't know how to read. he doesn't know what I"m thinking but that note was not for him but for his roommate when it had HIS name on it. To this day, both of us moved onto another marriage then back to each other, 15 years removed from that moment...When I laugh at that moment with him and how "stupid" we were, he'll say while laughing "it wasn't for me." He knows I know, I know he knows and he plays but he cannot say, "I know I told you that wasn't that silly." He cannot do it even though that situation DOES NOT MATTER any longer.
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Old 02-28-2006, 07:19 AM
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Yes, I'm off to start packing.

I'll start with the boys clothes....I'm going to leave just a few things out but am going to pack their entire closet/drawers real quick. Then I'll move to their toys (sick of cleaning them up anyway, LOL). Then my pictures/albums, etc.
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:20 AM
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((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Good Start Sunshine. I feel the same as you, as far as, beginning to consider everyone's advice so valuable.

I feel like I have a place to put how I feel and get some validations or insight where I am to stupid to see it.

Continue packing!
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:33 AM
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This seems like the perfect situation for ACTIONS vs. WORDS. This one seems to have lots and lots of words for you Sunshine. Ignore them. Listen to his actions. You know what his actions were/are, you were given the proof on a silver platter--just what you wanted. Now stop listening to his words, they are meaningless.

L
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:38 AM
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Oh Sunshine..that motto of you AH is so similar to my ex (alcoholic)
Johns is "Deny everything make counter accusations!!"
Seems very common amongst that group.....
Keep on packing........
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:44 AM
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Sunshine,
I take pictures off the wall first, it give me a sense of accomplishment to see the walls bare. I've packed up and left more relationships than I care to count!

I think one thing thats important is, you do not have to prove anything to yourself.
His delusions and "lie deny demand proof" motto, are his ways. Not yours.

You have your proof that he cheated, you have proof that his drinking has negatively impacted your life.
You have proof that you want change. IMO, anger means you want change.

You can do this, I know you can.

Stay strong with a gentle spirit and you'll be fine!
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:50 AM
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LOL pmasian, mine should add that last part to his as well because he does make counter accusations. When he told me that gem, he thought he was being so cute and funny. I actually got a kick out of it until now since I'm seeing it in action. I really never knew it was my future.

I am packing little by little. I have to go get boxes.

I do dread his coming home this evening. Obviously it's beyond the point of just leaving without him knowing now that this is going on. He's walking around acting as if I'm buying into his promises (suppose I'm walking around as if I am too). He keeps calling throughout the day from work leaving sweet messages if I don't answer, etc. Trying to talk about nothing, acting so concerned with how I'm feeling (as longas I don't mention saturday night). Now that I'm packing things today he'll know I'm leaving. I just don't want to get caught in the "I didn't do anything, you let others fill your head with BS" discussion.

I was thinking of just leaving a note for when he comes home and staying in a hotel with the kids, coming back in the morning while he's at work and continue packing, repeat until friday. Is that drama creating?
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Old 02-28-2006, 08:50 AM
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(((((((((((sunshine))))))))))))))
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