I also am the kind of person who is VERY outspoken. You may be able to do things to me that I probably shouldn't "take", but at least I don't take it with a smile and a nod, I voice my opinion and let him and everybody else know I have a problem with whatever. And that is how it is with his drinking. So of course, naturally, since I voice my opinions, I am a B!tch and a psychotic among other things. It used to be the day after the drinking he would apologize and actually seemed to know he was doing wrong. As the drinking gets worse and worse (going from 1-3 nights a week to EVERY night a week), the remorse gets less and less. I finally had enough.
The Friday after Valentines day (which I didn't get even so much as a "happy valentines day"), I finally couldn't take it and I moved back to my parents house. He was pissed and thought he was in the right and that I was just being selfish and spoiled, but by the next week, he started to act like he wanted to work on things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he says he CAN quit drinking anytime he wants, he just chooses not to (I know, I know, what a line of crap). But I still gave him the chance.
Hi Lil and welcome to SR. This forum has helped me a great deal and I'm sure it will help you too. I am sorry that you are in this situation with your son in tow. I do not have children so I really feel lucky that I don't have to break out any "kid gloves." It must be very tough.
Let me just say that I've been married about 3 1/2 years. In the beginning of me and my AH's relationship, I too was very outspoken. I couldn't just pretend that things that were bothering me did not exist. This led to a lot of heated battles between us and never really got us anywhere. My AH would apologize the day after and some times not even remember most of it. We kept going around and around in this circle. My MIL who has been in recovery for years suggested that I detach from it and no longer participate in these arguments. She told me that I would need to learn how to bite my own tongue b/c there is NEVER any winning an argument with a drunk. Drunks are totally irrational. At first this was difficult for me b/c I equated not voicing my opinion and concern to "not caring." The whole reason I would argue with him was b/c I CARED! After a while though, I tried the approach and found that
for my own sanity, it really worked. It did put a great deal of emotional distance between me and my AH though.
Since coming here, I've learned that there are 3 Cs associated with recovery- you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it and you cannot CURE it. Only your AH will seek help and try to turn his life around when he is ready--- no sooner, no later. No matter what ultimatums you give him, he will not quit until HE is ready. You and your son have become 3rd place to him now- him first, his drinking second and your family bringing up the rear. It sucks, but it's true. My AH said that he COULD quit drinking at any time as well even though he said that he "knew" he was an alcoholic. Your AH seems to be denying that he has any kind of problem altogether (which is worse?). I've been
waiting for 3 1/2 years and just recently since he's "cut down" on his drinking for "the sake of our marriage," he flat out told me that
he never intends to quit. He will just set a 6 pack a night limit on himself and "be fine." My AH has a fine work ethic also and his attitude is "every man deserves some beer at the end of hard work day." Can you live with this forever?
You must do what is necessary to protect your child from the unpredictable and turbulant life that comes from living with an AH. You also deserve more for yourself. Please continue to post here as you will get great advice from those that have moved past this madness.