New here, and struggling.

Old 02-27-2006, 06:20 AM
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Barely hangin' on...
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New here, and struggling.

Hi all. I'm new to this site and since I'm having a bad morning I thought I'd post and see if it helped me feel better.

I'm a 26yo mother of 1 (a 5yo boy) and have been with my son's father for over 6 years. We met when we were young and stupid and did alot of dumb stuff together (drinking) but when I became pregnant, I guess I was forced to grow up and I've been waiting for him to catch up ever since. I quit drinking right away, and even now 6 years later, still only have the occasional drink (more of a social drinker). We've been through alot of problems, including him leaving me twice (once for a younger girl) and alot of other stuff that I believe revolves around his drinking problem. He is still convinced that he doesn't have a problem and I'm just "stupid". (Oh, and btw, according to him - I'M the one with the drinking problem - "I have a problem with his drinking" )

At any rate, over the past 2 years (and especially this last year) it has grown increasingly worse. He has had 2 DUI's since the beginning of our relationship, the last one was a few years ago, but he continues to drink and drive. He justifies it by either saying he only drinks a few (which to him a few is a 6 pack) OR the fact that we live in a very small rural community so he says he's only driving a few miles down the road to his friends house or whatever. He's been drinking out in the garage all night by himself almost every night of the week, barely coming in to even say hello to me or his son. He works and he works hard and has a great work ethic, I give him that. He goes in at 5:30 am and comes home at 4:15 pm. But most of the time, I don't see him until several hours later, and even then, he'll stay out in the garage the rest of the night (10-11pm). He thinks there's nothing wrong with it. Please.

I also am the kind of person who is VERY outspoken. You may be able to do things to me that I probably shouldn't "take", but at least I don't take it with a smile and a nod, I voice my opinion and let him and everybody else know I have a problem with whatever. And that is how it is with his drinking. So of course, naturally, since I voice my opinions, I am a B!tch and a psychotic among other things. It used to be the day after the drinking he would apologize and actually seemed to know he was doing wrong. As the drinking gets worse and worse (going from 1-3 nights a week to EVERY night a week), the remorse gets less and less. I finally had enough.

The Friday after Valentines day (which I didn't get even so much as a "happy valentines day"), I finally couldn't take it and I moved back to my parents house. He was pissed and thought he was in the right and that I was just being selfish and spoiled, but by the next week, he started to act like he wanted to work on things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he says he CAN quit drinking anytime he wants, he just chooses not to (I know, I know, what a line of crap). But I still gave him the chance. I asked him to quit for 2 weeks. If he could quit completely for 2 weeks, then he would prove to me he DID have control. I knew he couldn't do it but I gave him the chance. I found out last night not only was he drinking every night, he was also bold face lying through his teeth to me about it. ("Had any beer tonight?" -- "No.") So we got into a big screaming match last night, and here I am today.

I just want him to realize what he's losing. He says it was MY decision to leave, and that our son will grow up to hate me because I left. I know it was my decision, but it was based on his actions. If he had been a normal person, I would have stayed. I say our son will grow up to resent his father instead, but at this point I don't know what to tell him about his dad. What do I say when he asks "where's daddy?" or "when are we going home"? I refuse to lie to my son, but I know I need to handle it with kid gloves also.

I am just so wrapped up in confusion and hurt and loss of control and a broken heart I barely know how to go on. Part of the fight I told him last night was that if he wanted us back, all he had to do was quit for 2 weeks (which I know he can't do). And if he wants us back to cal me after he's been sober for 2 weeks. Am I holding onto hope too much? Should I just give up on the person I have loved for so long and the father of my son? He says I don't care about him because if I did, I wouldn't "treat him this way" and I would (what, I don't know, just turn my head and ignore everything??) but it just kills me when he says that because I know I care and I do the things I do because I care - and I left because I care. I want him to realize and to get help but I don't know if it will ever happen.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 02-27-2006, 06:32 AM
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Hi lil, and welcome.
A LOT of what you said sounds familiar to me. My H and I used to drink together a lot. I don't have kids, but eventually I started to grow out of it. It just wasn't that fun anymore. I kept thinking he would too, but it never happened and only continued to get worse. Mine also has 2 DWIs, and continues to drink and drive. Worse, I've seen him passed out in his car with the engine on more than once or twice. I also just don't "take" whatever he deals me...if he's trying to manipulate or control me, I am very vocal about it and refuse too! All this to say, I understand EXACTLY how you were feeling. It sounds like you did a great thing by taking your son away from that environment. Not to be a downer, but I know from experience that mine was capable of stopping for a short period of time in order to convince me things would be different. When I would let my guard down, he was back at it full force. So be careful with the 2 week thing.
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Old 02-27-2006, 06:36 AM
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Thanks Texas. How did your situation end up? I understand about the 2 week thing. I know he *might* be able to make 7 days (well, now it seems maybe not) but I knew he couldn't make 2 weeks. I guess I thought if he could then maybe he really didn't have a problem. Well as usual, he proved me right.
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Old 02-27-2006, 06:41 AM
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Welcome lil

Sounds like you're going through a tough time.

You may want to try some Al-Anon meetings. This will help you understand the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Because you will be hearing A LOT that this is your fault.

Also, there are some good books. Co-dependent No More; Under the Influence and Beyond the Influence. Under the Influence will help you understand alcohol and its effect on people. One thing I didn't understand until I read the book is why A's drive after they've been drinking. It's because they feel absolutely sober when they get behind the wheel. It isn't until their BAL starts to fall that they "feel" drunk. I won't get into it too much here, but that book would be a great start on understanding the disease. Also the alcoholic information on about.com is very good. http://alcoholism.about.com/

Hope some of this helps. You will find some great support here at SR.
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Old 02-27-2006, 06:47 AM
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Welcome to SR!! There's loads of good folks here who'll help.

I don't have a whole load to offer because our situations are quite different but if I'd say anything it would be to give yourself a few days breather after leaving before you try to take the next steps for you. I bet you must be exhausted?
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Old 02-27-2006, 06:52 AM
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I also am the kind of person who is VERY outspoken. You may be able to do things to me that I probably shouldn't "take", but at least I don't take it with a smile and a nod, I voice my opinion and let him and everybody else know I have a problem with whatever. And that is how it is with his drinking. So of course, naturally, since I voice my opinions, I am a B!tch and a psychotic among other things. It used to be the day after the drinking he would apologize and actually seemed to know he was doing wrong. As the drinking gets worse and worse (going from 1-3 nights a week to EVERY night a week), the remorse gets less and less. I finally had enough.

The Friday after Valentines day (which I didn't get even so much as a "happy valentines day"), I finally couldn't take it and I moved back to my parents house. He was pissed and thought he was in the right and that I was just being selfish and spoiled, but by the next week, he started to act like he wanted to work on things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he says he CAN quit drinking anytime he wants, he just chooses not to (I know, I know, what a line of crap). But I still gave him the chance.
Hi Lil and welcome to SR. This forum has helped me a great deal and I'm sure it will help you too. I am sorry that you are in this situation with your son in tow. I do not have children so I really feel lucky that I don't have to break out any "kid gloves." It must be very tough.

Let me just say that I've been married about 3 1/2 years. In the beginning of me and my AH's relationship, I too was very outspoken. I couldn't just pretend that things that were bothering me did not exist. This led to a lot of heated battles between us and never really got us anywhere. My AH would apologize the day after and some times not even remember most of it. We kept going around and around in this circle. My MIL who has been in recovery for years suggested that I detach from it and no longer participate in these arguments. She told me that I would need to learn how to bite my own tongue b/c there is NEVER any winning an argument with a drunk. Drunks are totally irrational. At first this was difficult for me b/c I equated not voicing my opinion and concern to "not caring." The whole reason I would argue with him was b/c I CARED! After a while though, I tried the approach and found that for my own sanity, it really worked. It did put a great deal of emotional distance between me and my AH though.

Since coming here, I've learned that there are 3 Cs associated with recovery- you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it and you cannot CURE it. Only your AH will seek help and try to turn his life around when he is ready--- no sooner, no later. No matter what ultimatums you give him, he will not quit until HE is ready. You and your son have become 3rd place to him now- him first, his drinking second and your family bringing up the rear. It sucks, but it's true. My AH said that he COULD quit drinking at any time as well even though he said that he "knew" he was an alcoholic. Your AH seems to be denying that he has any kind of problem altogether (which is worse?). I've been waiting for 3 1/2 years and just recently since he's "cut down" on his drinking for "the sake of our marriage," he flat out told me that he never intends to quit. He will just set a 6 pack a night limit on himself and "be fine." My AH has a fine work ethic also and his attitude is "every man deserves some beer at the end of hard work day." Can you live with this forever?

You must do what is necessary to protect your child from the unpredictable and turbulant life that comes from living with an AH. You also deserve more for yourself. Please continue to post here as you will get great advice from those that have moved past this madness.
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:17 AM
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Welcome Lil,
You will find a great deal of advice and support from the everyone here. I am sorry to hear about your situation w/ah. I think that you have made the right decision for you AND your son by moving out. If he isn't seeking help to quit drinking, and isn't trying to quit, then you have to do what is best for you. I know that the pain, and the hurt is alot right now. I wish I'd been smarter, sooner. That I had opened my eyes to the life we were living. I have been dealing with A for a long time, w/o realizing it 'was' a major problem in our marriage. My husband quit drinking 7 days ago....do I think it will last. NO! Good Luck.. and keep posting. K.
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:29 AM
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I feel your pain and struggle. I married my highschool sweetheart, we have been together since I was 14. We married when I was 20 shortly after our son was born. Ever since I was 18 he has had adrinking problem, only it keeps getting so much worse. He finally stopped drinking after we were married for 5 years only to start 22 moths later. The 22 mths were heaven, we had 2 more babies and everything was white picket fence picture perfect. Until 3 days before Christmas, he got sick, took Nyquil, bagan drinking Nyquil and then went to alcohol. The next 2 years were pure hell, at times he stopped for a month, even 3, but he --kept going back, throwing away; freedom (jail- dui), friends, respect, his career, license, almost his life (attempt suicide), and eventually his family in some aspects. We finally separated after a year of hell. Against my better judgment I met aother guy, who has no addictions, just loves me and my kids. Here it is 2 years later adn my husbad wats us back. He has gone to rehab for the I don't know 10th time, even tried hypnotism. He says he guarantees he wont drink again! Do I give him a chance to ruin our lives again. My 8year old son has only had 1 Christmas when his dad wasnt drunk. Do I take the chance or move on. I feel my only guarantee for a healthy, stable life is to move on. Yet I made vows to my husbad for better or worse, in sickness and health. I don't feel good about divocing him now that he's "finished" rehab, but I dont think aything will change.
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:30 AM
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Welcome!

Hey Lil,

Welcome to SR! This place is full of people growing and supporting one another. Read the books, it took me a few times of reading Codependent No More, before I really understood it, but well worth the time.

Be gentle with yourself and put yourself first, you said that you just want hiim to know what he's losing. My guess is he already knows but in my opinion, alcoholics are not the types to pour out emotion, they prefer to drink any pain away. Fortunately we don't have to do that!

Someone here told me to stop trying to make sense of an alcoholic mind, you possibly understand their thinking. Once I figured out that they don't have the need to communicate emotion, they drink it away instead, it really helped me.

Best of luck to you and hope to see ya back!

Hugs,
~FaithChaser
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:37 AM
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Do I give him a chance to ruin our lives again. My 8year old son has only had 1 Christmas when his dad wasnt drunk. Do I take the chance or move on. I feel my only guarantee for a healthy, stable life is to move on. Yet I made vows to my husbad for better or worse, in sickness and health. I don't feel good about divocing him now that he's "finished" rehab, but I dont think aything will change.


You should take the chance and YOU RUN WITH IT! You deserve better, your kids deserve better. If you've made it this far, don't turn back.
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:56 AM
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wow, look at all those typos! Such is my life, one typo after another. I agree- my kids and I deserve better. If this were 20 years from now and my daughter was is in my shoes asking me what to do, I would give her the exact advice you gave me, Thank you!
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Old 02-27-2006, 08:10 AM
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KMag,
If you've found someone that you care about and that truly cares for you and your babies, you owe it to yourself to pursue a Better, Happier Life.
Yes.. you would give the same advice to your daughter... my mom is giving me the same advice.... I just haven't made it as far as you! Good Luck...
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Old 02-27-2006, 09:43 AM
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Well he just called me from work (and he's always sober at work) and apologized me and asked if we could "try again". So I said it was up to him, but that he had to admit he had a problem, to which he replied (again) that it wasn't him with the problem, it was me because "I have a problem with him drinking so much." That just enfuriates me that he is so gramatically challenged that he can turn the fact that I DO have a problem with how much he drinks (duh, don't we all?) into a sentance saying that "I" have a drinking problem. GRR. But the fact remains that I love him and I want it to work. I don't know what to do or to say to him. He's supposed to call me when he gets off of work, 4:15 tonight. One of the big problems is that all his buddies drink, and if they have a problem or not, they're the kind of "friends" (and I use that term lightly, although He doesn't) who say "Hey Dude, wanna beer?" and he can't refuse. I don't know, just more fuel to my already blazing emotions.
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Old 02-27-2006, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by lilqhgal
But the fact remains that I love him and I want it to work.
If by wanting it to work, you mean he gets sober, you have no control over that.

On the other hand, are you willing to make it work whether he gets sober or not? These are really the only choices you can make. Him getting sober is a choice only he can make. I realize that this is not what you want to hear, and not what I wanted to hear six months ago, either.

Maybe it would be a good idea to have no contact for a while, just so you can think without all the pressure. Counseling helped me a lot during that really stressful time of separating. Alanon has also helped many on this board.

Try to be gentle with yourself and don't let anyone coerce you into any snap decisions.

L
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