Hi all. I'm new to this site and since I'm having a bad morning I thought I'd post and see if it helped me feel better.
I'm a 26yo mother of 1 (a 5yo boy) and have been with my son's father for over 6 years. We met when we were young and stupid and did alot of dumb stuff together (drinking) but when I became pregnant, I guess I was forced to grow up and I've been waiting for him to catch up ever since. I quit drinking right away, and even now 6 years later, still only have the occasional drink (more of a social drinker). We've been through alot of problems, including him leaving me twice (once for a younger girl) and alot of other stuff that I believe revolves around his drinking problem. He is still convinced that he doesn't have a problem and I'm just "stupid". (Oh, and btw, according to him - I'M the one with the drinking problem - "I have a problem with his drinking"
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At any rate, over the past 2 years (and especially this last year) it has grown increasingly worse. He has had 2 DUI's since the beginning of our relationship, the last one was a few years ago, but he continues to drink and drive. He justifies it by either saying he only drinks a few (which to him a few is a 6 pack) OR the fact that we live in a very small rural community so he says he's only driving a few miles down the road to his friends house or whatever. He's been drinking out in the garage all night by himself almost every night of the week, barely coming in to even say hello to me or his son. He works and he works hard and has a great work ethic, I give him that. He goes in at 5:30 am and comes home at 4:15 pm. But most of the time, I don't see him until several hours later, and even then, he'll stay out in the garage the rest of the night (10-11pm). He thinks there's nothing wrong with it. Please.
I also am the kind of person who is VERY outspoken. You may be able to do things to me that I probably shouldn't "take", but at least I don't take it with a smile and a nod, I voice my opinion and let him and everybody else know I have a problem with whatever. And that is how it is with his drinking. So of course, naturally, since I voice my opinions, I am a B!tch and a psychotic among other things. It used to be the day after the drinking he would apologize and actually seemed to know he was doing wrong. As the drinking gets worse and worse (going from 1-3 nights a week to EVERY night a week), the remorse gets less and less. I finally had enough.
The Friday after Valentines day (which I didn't get even so much as a "happy valentines day"), I finally couldn't take it and I moved back to my parents house. He was pissed and thought he was in the right and that I was just being selfish and spoiled, but by the next week, he started to act like he wanted to work on things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he says he CAN quit drinking anytime he wants, he just chooses not to (I know, I know, what a line of crap). But I still gave him the chance. I asked him to quit for 2 weeks. If he could quit completely for 2 weeks, then he would prove to me he DID have control. I knew he couldn't do it but I gave him the chance. I found out last night not only was he drinking every night, he was also bold face lying through his teeth to me about it. ("Had any beer tonight?" -- "No.") So we got into a big screaming match last night, and here I am today.
I just want him to realize what he's losing. He says it was MY decision to leave, and that our son will grow up to hate me because I left. I know it was my decision, but it was based on his actions. If he had been a normal person, I would have stayed. I say our son will grow up to resent his father instead, but at this point I don't know what to tell him about his dad. What do I say when he asks "where's daddy?" or "when are we going home"? I refuse to lie to my son, but I know I need to handle it with kid gloves also.
I am just so wrapped up in confusion and hurt and loss of control and a broken heart I barely know how to go on. Part of the fight I told him last night was that if he wanted us back, all he had to do was quit for 2 weeks (which I know he can't do). And if he wants us back to cal me after he's been sober for 2 weeks. Am I holding onto hope too much? Should I just give up on the person I have loved for so long and the father of my son? He says I don't care about him because if I did, I wouldn't "treat him this way" and I would (what, I don't know, just turn my head and ignore everything??) but it just kills me when he says that because I know I care and I do the things I do because I care - and I left because I care. I want him to realize and to get help but I don't know if it will ever happen.
Thanks for listening.