Jim, my heart goes out to you. What you described about your fear of stopping is something very familiar to alcoholics. God knows I felt it! I read about it in the Big Book of AA (more good reading and you can read it online!). It is referred to as the "jumping off point" where you can no longer imagine your life with alcohol or without it. I had to get to that point before I would admit that I could not control my drinking, it controlled me and any attempts I made at moderation quickly ended in failure and a bigger drunk than before. I was terrified to quit, terrified of withdrawals but also terrified of dying. It was that fear of dying that propelled me into my first meeting.
I drank alcoholically for only 3 1/2 years but in that short amount of time the amounts and how often quickly progressed. I was one step off of kidney failure, I was yellow and bloated and swollen. Even though I drank a lot of liquid my body would not, or rather could not, get rid of it. I began every day with a hangover and a resolve to not do it that day. By the time I worked through the shakes, throwing up and other things and started to feel human again then I would rationalize that I just wouldn't drink as much as before and would try to quit "tomorrow". Tomorrow never came and instead things progressed til I had to have a drink in the middle of the night to fall back asleep, a drink in the morning to stop the shakes. Then I started having to go home on my lunch hour to belt down a drink just to make it through til quitting time. I was in total hell!
On August 8 of 2004 I decided that if I was going to go to meetings then it was time to make a real effort to get sober. So far I have been sober ever since and my life is so much better. I have rebuilt relationships with my kids, family and friends, I am sharp on my job again, I don't have a fear of getting a "come quick" call in the middle of the night and not being able to respond, I have a peace of mind even in the face of day to day problems and I have been through severe problems and I haven't had to drink over them. I have tons of friends in my AA home group and I get to reach out to the newcomers here. I have a better relationship with my Higher Power now and I can now look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I see.
I hope you will continue to reach out as you try this thing. Don't worry about St. Patty's Day, graduation, your birthday. Focus on today and staying sober today. You can do ANYTHING for just 1 day (or 1 hour or 1 minute if you have to break it down into smaller chunks at first). If you get hit by cravings, realize that they last approximately 5 - 7 minutes and get busy to keep your mind occupied. Jump on here and post or read a chapter on recovery or take a walk or a shower whatever you need to do.
I'm glad to see you here and wish you the very best in your quest for recovery.
Hugs,
Kellye