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Square One

Old 02-24-2006, 11:07 AM
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Square One

I have been drinking for about 12 years now since I was about 16. It started out as a social thing, and quickly turned into a lifestyle. I never considered my drinking to be a problem when I was in my teens and early 20's cause everone I hung out with also drank and did drugs and I always told myself that I was just "finding myself", "experimenting", "being social".

After about the age of 22 I realized that I was spending more and more time drinking alone and feeling like I was drinking alone even when with other people. I couldn't justify it anymore with the social thing and started to realize it was a problem. It was starting to cause problems in my life. I couldn't keep a job anywhere for more than a month or so. I never had money to pay my bills, yet always had enough to scrape together for alcohol. I jumped around from place to place never living in a place for more than a year. I decided to go to college and get a degree several years ago and almost got kicked out several times for poor academic performance and had to repeat several classes cause drinking all night was more important to me at times than doing what I needed to do (but luckly I stuck with it and will be getting my BA in Marketing this May, which I'm pretty proud of)

The last couple of years my drinking has slowed down somewhat from almost every night to about 2-3 days a week. But I still go through binges ever month or so where I will drink for a couple weeks everyday. I'm currently coming off of one of those binges now.

In the last year I have gained a lot of weight and am about 60 pounds heavier than I should be. I'm tired all the time. After drinking I started having really severe anxiety, heart palpatations, and panic attacks, along with a whole list of other symptoms. Finally the realization that I have to stop or it will kill me is starting to set in.

I made the promise to myself many times in the last couple of years that I would stop, only to go a few days and then binge. I think I failed so many times cause I have a fear of quiting which might sound silly but it is hard to imagine life without it after being a part of my life for so long. I'm trying to be a little more proactive this time in the hopes that it will help. I informed family and friends of my intentions. I found this message board and other support sites. I hope that talking with other people who are going through similar situations will help and that I can get some good info here.

So here I am on Day One
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Old 02-24-2006, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by BigPicture
I have been drinking for about 12 years now since I was about 16. It started out as a social thing, and quickly turned into a lifestyle. I never considered my drinking to be a problem when I was in my teens and early 20's cause everone I hung out with also drank and did drugs and I always told myself that I was just "finding myself", "experimenting", "being social".

After about the age of 22 I realized that I was spending more and more time drinking alone and feeling like I was drinking alone even when with other people. I couldn't justify it anymore with the social thing and started to realize it was a problem. It was starting to cause problems in my life. I couldn't keep a job anywhere for more than a month or so. I never had money to pay my bills, yet always had enough to scrape together for alcohol. I jumped around from place to place never living in a place for more than a year. I decided to go to college and get a degree several years ago and almost got kicked out several times for poor academic performance and had to repeat several classes cause drinking all night was more important to me at times than doing what I needed to do (but luckly I stuck with it and will be getting my BA in Marketing this May, which I'm pretty proud of)

The last couple of years my drinking has slowed down somewhat from almost every night to about 2-3 days a week. But I still go through binges ever month or so where I will drink for a couple weeks everyday. I'm currently coming off of one of those binges now.

In the last year I have gained a lot of weight and am about 60 pounds heavier than I should be. I'm tired all the time. After drinking I started having really severe anxiety, heart palpatations, and panic attacks, along with a whole list of other symptoms. Finally the realization that I have to stop or it will kill me is starting to set in.

I made the promise to myself many times in the last couple of years that I would stop, only to go a few days and then binge. I think I failed so many times cause I have a fear of quiting which might sound silly but it is hard to imagine life without it after being a part of my life for so long. I'm trying to be a little more proactive this time in the hopes that it will help. I informed family and friends of my intentions. I found this message board and other support sites. I hope that talking with other people who are going through similar situations will help and that I can get some good info here.

So here I am on Day One
First, we're the same age!

Ok.. I identified SO much with what you wrote. I always thought there was nothing wrong with my drinking and drugging because it was what I thought was the norm. It wasn't until I got sober that I realized there are people out there that don't drink to get drunk. (What do you mean? Isn't that the point of consuming alcohol?, I thought).

Another very important thing you spoke of is the lonliness of a drinker, I remember being in a big function room FULL of people feeling like I was the only one in the room and in my own little world where no one truly understood me. Then, I shook off that thought and grabbed another drink. I refused to get honest with how I felt. I was about 22 at the time.


When I started to get a bit honest w. thinking I might have a problem, but continued to use I started getting panic attacks. There is no worse feeling in the world.


I think the fear you're experiencing surrounding quitting is the fear of the unknown. But as someone your age, let me tell you that a sober life without drugs and alcohol is so much better than I could have ever dreamed of. I've been on this journey of becoming the person I always knew I could be, and even though it's been a rollercoaster sometimes, it's been worth it. Today, I look forward to the day when I get up, and I'm living an honest life and staying TRUE to myself.

Geez, I could go on and on about the benefits of sobriety. But I just want to say Welcome, and suggest you find some land support no matter what it is. I personally love AA. There is a HUGE young crowd in Boston and its amazing to see so many sober, happy people helping each other. We do alot of fun stuff together and more importantly, we're all sober and loving life...

Hope that helps a little..
Hang in there
Anna
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Old 02-24-2006, 04:05 PM
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Hi again....

Here is my suggestion...find info on the disease of alcoholism.

My favorite resourse on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon.

Take care...keep posting...ask questions we care.
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Old 02-24-2006, 04:14 PM
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I experienced that same feeling of fear of quitting because I didn't know what or how to replace the drinking. I went to AA and got the answers. There is life after drinking. I just had to give time, time to find out.
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Old 02-24-2006, 08:30 PM
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I remember telling my mom that I could not imagine a life without mind altering drugs of some sort. I definately could not imagine never having a drink again. It has been 4 years. Life is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. My twenties were spent in a daze of drinking & drugging. I am 36 & feel like I am still 22. I think that is because I have finally found the real me & since my twenties were not spent as the real me, I cannot relate to them anymore. Does that make any sense? I just would not ever give up sobriety for anything. There is nothing like it. There is nothing like the natural high that life itself can give you when you are able to experience it without the fog of being drunk or hungover. It is hard to explain, but BEAUTIFUL!! I thank God daily for my sobriety & giving me another chance at life ~ true life.
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Old 02-24-2006, 08:36 PM
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Welcome! Oh how I remember the many day ones. I finally made it stick by working a program. Good luck on finding sobriety. There is a solution...
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Old 02-25-2006, 02:58 AM
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Hi BigPicture,
I can absolutely relate to your post. I'm 27 and I first posted here in 2004 and yet I'm still drinking, I know it's a progressive disease and I know that it's causing me problems and complicating my life, BUT I still haven't quit....

I think I'm still under the delusion that I can control my drinking. I mean I don't drink every day and I can have two or three drinks without having anymore, BUT I do go out maybe once a week or once a fortnight and completely write myself off. It's madness. I just end up feeling terrible and doing remarkably stupid things.

I'm not sure of I'm ready to quit yet, but I don't want to hit Rock Bottom before I do!!!

I even quit for three months last year and it felt fantastic, my life was suddenly so much simplier and my self esteem was at near normal levels mainly because I didn't have to hate myself for what I was doing when drunk.

I also have anxiety disorder which hasn't really effected me for ages, but now I'm getting Panic Attacks when I'm hung over, its a self inflicted hell!!

The point is I want to congratulate you on Day 1. You've taken a step that I'm too gutless to take.

Good Luck and keep posting! I'm sure you'll be an inspiration for me.
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Old 02-25-2006, 12:01 PM
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Anna, I had the exact same attitude about the point of drinking is to get drunk and that there is no other reason to drink, and I guess I still do have that attitude in a way cause I can't just drink a few drinks and be happy. It is torture if I only have a couple and then can't have any more cause all I do is think about it the rest of the day.

Carol, I do want to get as much info as I can on this, that is good advice. I should have some more free time on my hands now and will use some of that to learn as much as I can so I deal with whatever situations come up.

Jen, I don't think anyone thinks you're gutless cause if we are all here posting on this board then we are in similar situations and know how hard it is. I hear what you are talking about with the delusion of thinking about controling the drinking.

Just last night I started getting really angry with myself. I was thinking about never drinking again and got pissed off at myself for putting myself in a situation where I would have to make a decision like that. There are many times when I go a few days without drinking, but I always know that at the end of those few days the alcohol will be there. Then I started thinking to myself that maybe I can just go a few months and get it out of my system, get my head clear, get healthy, and then be able to control my drinking after I get my life together. That is probably a huge delusion, I don't know, but I find myself really wanting that to be the case. I also found myself thinking about St Patty's day is coming up soon and it probably wouldn't be a big deal to just drink that one day cause that is what people do. I started thinking about my birthday coming up and graduating soon and started thinking that I can't possibly celebrate those two days without drinking. It's crazy. My mind is already starting to try to plan my failure for me weeks and months in advance. I realize now that this is going to be really hard.

Thanks for everyone wishing me luck and success and offering advice. It does help to know other people have been through this and got through this. I appreciate it and wish you all continued success as well.

Jim
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Old 02-25-2006, 05:00 PM
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Jim, my heart goes out to you. What you described about your fear of stopping is something very familiar to alcoholics. God knows I felt it! I read about it in the Big Book of AA (more good reading and you can read it online!). It is referred to as the "jumping off point" where you can no longer imagine your life with alcohol or without it. I had to get to that point before I would admit that I could not control my drinking, it controlled me and any attempts I made at moderation quickly ended in failure and a bigger drunk than before. I was terrified to quit, terrified of withdrawals but also terrified of dying. It was that fear of dying that propelled me into my first meeting.

I drank alcoholically for only 3 1/2 years but in that short amount of time the amounts and how often quickly progressed. I was one step off of kidney failure, I was yellow and bloated and swollen. Even though I drank a lot of liquid my body would not, or rather could not, get rid of it. I began every day with a hangover and a resolve to not do it that day. By the time I worked through the shakes, throwing up and other things and started to feel human again then I would rationalize that I just wouldn't drink as much as before and would try to quit "tomorrow". Tomorrow never came and instead things progressed til I had to have a drink in the middle of the night to fall back asleep, a drink in the morning to stop the shakes. Then I started having to go home on my lunch hour to belt down a drink just to make it through til quitting time. I was in total hell!

On August 8 of 2004 I decided that if I was going to go to meetings then it was time to make a real effort to get sober. So far I have been sober ever since and my life is so much better. I have rebuilt relationships with my kids, family and friends, I am sharp on my job again, I don't have a fear of getting a "come quick" call in the middle of the night and not being able to respond, I have a peace of mind even in the face of day to day problems and I have been through severe problems and I haven't had to drink over them. I have tons of friends in my AA home group and I get to reach out to the newcomers here. I have a better relationship with my Higher Power now and I can now look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I see.

I hope you will continue to reach out as you try this thing. Don't worry about St. Patty's Day, graduation, your birthday. Focus on today and staying sober today. You can do ANYTHING for just 1 day (or 1 hour or 1 minute if you have to break it down into smaller chunks at first). If you get hit by cravings, realize that they last approximately 5 - 7 minutes and get busy to keep your mind occupied. Jump on here and post or read a chapter on recovery or take a walk or a shower whatever you need to do.

I'm glad to see you here and wish you the very best in your quest for recovery.

Hugs,
Kellye
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Old 02-27-2006, 02:17 PM
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Thanks for the advice Kellye. It seems like I spend a lot of time regretting the past, worrying about the future, and being so messed up in the present that I am missing life. It is probably why the last 10 years or so have seemed to fly by. I'm trying to narrow my focus and just stay in the here and now. After all that is where life is lived. I'm on my fourth day and feeling good and energetic today. I sleep great last night for the first time in a long time. I actually had so much energy that I got in some exercise for the first time in a long time as well.
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Old 02-27-2006, 02:36 PM
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Hi Jim , a belated welcome to SR

Huge congrats on your 4 days , I am glad you are feeling better.

I drank alcoholically for 37 years, and even tho I was a 'functioning" alkie , ie I did not loose my job, or much materially, i lost my dignity, self respect, and my family ( son and grandies) . My thinking was insane, which I only realised after I got sober LOL.

I have used AA as my method of recovery, and not only has it taught me how to stay stopped, but to live a happy sober life .
i now have 2 1/2 years sobriety, and life has changed so much for me, it is unrecognisable compared to my "old" life

I wish you well

HUGX
Lee
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Old 02-27-2006, 02:49 PM
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Welcome and good luck to you! I relate to just about everything you said, except my spree was much longer. You can do this hang tough, have courage, have faith! *hugs*
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