Anna, I had the exact same attitude about the point of drinking is to get drunk and that there is no other reason to drink, and I guess I still do have that attitude in a way cause I can't just drink a few drinks and be happy. It is torture if I only have a couple and then can't have any more cause all I do is think about it the rest of the day.
Carol, I do want to get as much info as I can on this, that is good advice. I should have some more free time on my hands now and will use some of that to learn as much as I can so I deal with whatever situations come up.
Jen, I don't think anyone thinks you're gutless cause if we are all here posting on this board then we are in similar situations and know how hard it is. I hear what you are talking about with the delusion of thinking about controling the drinking.
Just last night I started getting really angry with myself. I was thinking about never drinking again and got pissed off at myself for putting myself in a situation where I would have to make a decision like that. There are many times when I go a few days without drinking, but I always know that at the end of those few days the alcohol will be there. Then I started thinking to myself that maybe I can just go a few months and get it out of my system, get my head clear, get healthy, and then be able to control my drinking after I get my life together. That is probably a huge delusion, I don't know, but I find myself really wanting that to be the case. I also found myself thinking about St Patty's day is coming up soon and it probably wouldn't be a big deal to just drink that one day cause that is what people do. I started thinking about my birthday coming up and graduating soon and started thinking that I can't possibly celebrate those two days without drinking. It's crazy. My mind is already starting to try to plan my failure for me weeks and months in advance. I realize now that this is going to be really hard.
Thanks for everyone wishing me luck and success and offering advice. It does help to know other people have been through this and got through this. I appreciate it and wish you all continued success as well.
Jim