Originally Posted by BigPicture
I have been drinking for about 12 years now since I was about 16. It started out as a social thing, and quickly turned into a lifestyle. I never considered my drinking to be a problem when I was in my teens and early 20's cause everone I hung out with also drank and did drugs and I always told myself that I was just "finding myself", "experimenting", "being social".
After about the age of 22 I realized that I was spending more and more time drinking alone and feeling like I was drinking alone even when with other people. I couldn't justify it anymore with the social thing and started to realize it was a problem. It was starting to cause problems in my life. I couldn't keep a job anywhere for more than a month or so. I never had money to pay my bills, yet always had enough to scrape together for alcohol. I jumped around from place to place never living in a place for more than a year. I decided to go to college and get a degree several years ago and almost got kicked out several times for poor academic performance and had to repeat several classes cause drinking all night was more important to me at times than doing what I needed to do (but luckly I stuck with it and will be getting my BA in Marketing this May, which I'm pretty proud of)
The last couple of years my drinking has slowed down somewhat from almost every night to about 2-3 days a week. But I still go through binges ever month or so where I will drink for a couple weeks everyday. I'm currently coming off of one of those binges now.
In the last year I have gained a lot of weight and am about 60 pounds heavier than I should be. I'm tired all the time. After drinking I started having really severe anxiety, heart palpatations, and panic attacks, along with a whole list of other symptoms. Finally the realization that I have to stop or it will kill me is starting to set in.
I made the promise to myself many times in the last couple of years that I would stop, only to go a few days and then binge. I think I failed so many times cause I have a fear of quiting which might sound silly but it is hard to imagine life without it after being a part of my life for so long. I'm trying to be a little more proactive this time in the hopes that it will help. I informed family and friends of my intentions. I found this message board and other support sites. I hope that talking with other people who are going through similar situations will help and that I can get some good info here.
So here I am on Day One
First, we're the same age!
Ok.. I identified SO much with what you wrote. I always thought there was nothing wrong with my drinking and drugging because it was what I thought was the norm. It wasn't until I got sober that I realized there are people out there that don't drink to get drunk. (What do you mean? Isn't that the point of consuming alcohol?, I thought).
Another very important thing you spoke of is the lonliness of a drinker, I remember being in a big function room FULL of people feeling like I was the only one in the room and in my own little world where no one truly understood me. Then, I shook off that thought and grabbed another drink. I refused to get honest with how I felt. I was about 22 at the time.
When I started to get a bit honest w. thinking I might have a problem, but continued to use I started getting panic attacks. There is no worse feeling in the world.
I think the fear you're experiencing surrounding quitting is the fear of the unknown. But as someone your age, let me tell you that a sober life without drugs and alcohol is so much better than I could have ever dreamed of. I've been on this journey of becoming the person I always knew I could be, and even though it's been a rollercoaster sometimes, it's been worth it. Today, I look forward to the day when I get up, and I'm living an honest life and staying TRUE to myself.
Geez, I could go on and on about the benefits of sobriety. But I just want to say Welcome, and suggest you find some land support no matter what it is. I personally love AA. There is a HUGE young crowd in Boston and its amazing to see so many sober, happy people helping each other. We do alot of fun stuff together and more importantly, we're all sober and loving life...
Hope that helps a little..
Hang in there
Anna