I do believe alcohol addiction is a disease but the dictionary meaning of it which doesn't remove free will.
My concept is that it isn't a level playing field, I don't believe me and my husband physically ever did process alcohol in an identical way, and I don't blame him for that. But at the same time it's his will, his actions and his choices that have meant he hasn't drank in nearly 4 months - and before then they were lapses not full on drinking for a further 4 months. He choices are keeping him sober, his actions reflect what he's choosing.
For me it's about not judging - because I don't know what it's like to be him, I don't know if worse would have happened to me if I had his body and head but I know first and foremost he's a person and that means his decisions have a part to play too.
Time has done so much for us - so has communicating, not all at once but little by little and done forgiving each other when we both make mistakes - or when the other one is just simply being a bit thick!
Two nights ago I told my hubby that I sometimes remember things that happened, I know it's not anger I'm feeling but I don't always know what to do with what I remember. Things can hurt and even understanding whatever I can doesn't mean when I remember them I don't remember they hurt. I can't easily describe how we talk about that stuff but we do, gently because neither of us wants to go through a life of tabboo subjects!
It does take a while, and in our case understanding what each other has been through is ongoing, built bit by bit not a sudden flash. Sometimes we can both be a bit slow but we haven't given up and we're getting the pay off now.
Take care - let them make mistakes too without taking it too personally, no matter how much they love you it won't make them perfect either.